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Short Story / 30 Days to Live - Chapter (18, 19, 20?)
Being a man makes one blind to part of existence. You only see things from what is called a practical point of view. I suppose the same would be true if I were a woman. Although it would be the emotional side that I would have privy. Imagine, if you’ll humor me, what it would be like to be complete or whole. Image thinking and feeling and living either like a man or woman. That is how I think God is. He/She is not a man nor a woman but a true asexual divinity. He/She is practical yet emotional, otherwise why create us? Not as pets, dogs or cats would fit that bill. Not as children. He/She has the angels for that.
No, It created us in order to understand itself. Simple. So It broke Its essence in half and create man and woman, thus creating souls. It watched as humanity struggled to find their place in the scheme of creation. He/She watched us constantly seeking to become one again forever only to fail over and over again. We would climax and thus be allowed to feel for a brief moment the completion of union. But the climax dies with a sudden shudder and gasp and we realized that we failed once again to join. And the punishment of that failure was the continuous splitting of the divine soul. Thus for that moment we are allowed to be Godlike and create something from our union.
Imagine what it would feel like to be in a perpetual state of climax? Where two sundered soul shards form a whole. Where we can see existence like God? Now imagine realizing that you are only feeling a smidgeon of what God feels or has felt because your union only joined two souls. Multiply that feeling by about 5 billion times and then you might be able to understand God. If this happens God would finally understand itself.
Interesting idea no? I think so.
For seventeen days now I have struggle with the idea that I probably will not have the opportunity to become part of that understanding. That my soul will have to leave its present living quarters. But where to? Purgatory? Don’t believe in that. Religion made that up as it did the concepts of heaven and hell. So where will it go? I believe it joins what is left of God. It takes all the knowledge, pain, sins, and doubts back to God. It downloads itself into God’s conscious to be processed and then it is re-assimilated. There it stays until it is needed again. Until another human couple fails in its fruitless quest to unite forever and fissions off another piece of God’s soul.
What makes my philosophizing even more interesting in facing my eventual death by brain tumor, is the fact that I am beginning to see the tumor in a way I imagine my wife saw our children when she was carrying them. It is my baby. It is something very much alive being fed through arteries and veins. Nurtured by my blood that is pumped to feed it by my heart. It is feed, it grows, it pulses, and it pushes and kicks around in my cranium. It gives me moments of great pain and displeasure and some moments of sheer bliss. It thrusts itself against its prison pushing everything out of its way. Its parasitic nature saps my energy, my memories, my nutrients, and, more importantly my life. It is crude, not realizing that in the end it is causing irreparable damage to me to the point I will die. And when I die, so it will as well. Because, unlike a fetus, this tumor will not have an escape. It will not be born. I will not have contractions and push it out of my head to pop out from my ears or nose, or eyes or any other orifice so it may live. No. It will stay in me only to die when my brain can no longer command my heart to pump the precious blood it needs to live. And then I will have my sweet revenge. Because my soul will join God and know union and wholeness again, but it will never have that as it is soulless.
I sit in my easy chair watching Karen fret over the children as I smile from this final thought. She catches my smile. I can see her returned smile the toll that my condition has taken on her. She makes me proud. They all do. They know what is going to happen to me and they are scared. Scared to have to live a life without me. Scared because they don’t know what that means to them. But they don’t show it. They try to make my last days easy. As I have tried to make their lives without me easier as well. They will not need money. I took care of that. My business has been sold to larger chain which netted enough money to create trust funds for each of them so they can live off the interest for the rest of their lives. Karen will have all the property and not have to worry too much about inheritance taxes. My lawyers and accountants covered that for me as well. That is the man side of me of course.
But since thinking of this tumor as a child growing in me, I have began to see things a little differently now.
I wipe a tear away from my cheek as I look upon Karen and my children. I realize… no, not realize, but feel the love that we have for each other. The love joins us. Unites us. Makes us more whole than God will ever hope to accomplish with his little human lab rats experiment. My family walks around. My wife – the half of my soul that make me complete – she is taking charge becoming more practical. She is taking on my role and my way of thinking. She is becoming whole. My children, who haven’t yet had a chance to find their missing soul half, have also changed. The love that runs through each of us like the strands of a spider web, connects us and somehow we share more than we have with each other. We are a unit.
I know how it is to be God. And it is Love.
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strikedotdot reviewed Version 1 -
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When i began reading, the concepts of being a man or woman made me doubt, because a man is not necessarily practical or a woman isn’t always emotional. But the direction you took afterwards was positive for me, it’s pretty interesting how you talk about God, the climax he is in and all, that was good. After that you have this sentence, ’’What makes my philosophizing even more interesting in facing my eventual death by brain tumor”, if there’s need to stress that the person has brain tumor then it is fine, but in any case the first part is redundant… makes one doubt, like ‘was the philosophizing really interesting?’, and then the word philosophizing is kind of negative for me.
When he speaks of his death and the death of the tumor, it is good how you describe it being alive and fed, and then how its life ends. You speak about it like it’s your baby, it gives you bad and good moments. Why then do you say that you will have your sweet revenge. It seems that the person is already sort of in peace with his illness. And if you speak of revenge then it seems that more should be written about that. It turns out that he wants revenge. I think the reader will want more about it.
I also like when you speak about his wife and that she is becoming whole. But on the other hand it takes the reader somewhere else… so the woman can actually be whole if she’s also practical, or if she both takes care of children and things like finance, so she can be whole as well… it is connected but steps aside form your philosophy described. You probably should either continue it or better take it out.
In general this was interesting to read, especially your thoughts concerning the soul and approach towards God. Thank you.
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W_Guerrant reviewed Version 1 -
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While I have only read your chapter of this colaborative writing project, I was enthralled with it. There are only two things I want to point out.
‘It is feed’ should be ‘it is fed’
and
‘Because my soul will join God and know union and wholeness again, but it will never have that as it is soulless.’
I liked the point of this line, but I feel it could be better worded, it seems to straight forward to me, a minor rewording and it wil fit in with the rest of the story better.
All in all I really enjoyed this chapter. Good work.
LisaMelony reviewed Version 1 -
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i found your opening paragraphs very gripping and thought provoking, I agree with you statements re god not being male or female but being both otherwise why else we be constantly searching for that closeness of souls. It made me want to read more.
The next paragraph’s really delth deep into the mind of someone who is amongst other things scared of dying and is trying to rationalise his imminent death being male he attempting to think logical. it is sad to imagine how a terminally ill person thinks in there final days, even more so because i have experienced a loss like this in my family where my nan died of cancer and believed that she may have felt like this but on a more emotional level as she was female and a christian.
i found this piece totally compelling i was almost brought to tears not because i have been through this situation but through your writing i know that she had a moment of clarity and real peace before she passed though she was in real pain.
i think this book could be really usual for people who have lost someone due to cancer and could be a vital part of the griefing process. i can’t wait to hear more please feel free to send them to me personally.
hinton reviewed Version 1 -
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I have struggle-
(struggled)
What makes my philosophizing even more interesting
(This is an awkward sentence, and you should also not tell your reader what makes things more interesting, you should just make things more interesting through action or dialogue)
I will die. And when I die, so it will as well
(I will die, and when I die so will it)
My business has been sold to larger chain which netted enough money to create trust funds for each of them so they can live off the interest for the rest of their lives. Karen will have all the property and not have to worry too much about inheritance taxes. My lawyers and accountants covered that for me as well. That is the man side of me of course
(This is a massive info dump and it makes me feel like I am listening to a life insurance broker.)
This is an ok story, but it starts out with a heavy philosophy lesson that reads more like a sermon and less like good writing. The story is all tell and no show, I really don’t feel a lot for the POV because he is just sitting back and preaching. There needs to be some real action and then etch in the philosophy. As it reads right now, it doesn’t feel publishable.
specjalista reviewed Version 1 -
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“What makes my philosophizing even more interesting ”- I particularly don’t like this line, and don’t think it fits the rest of your style well.
” will die. And when I die, so it will as well. ”- so it will too, would sound better.
“she is taking charge becoming more practical”- taking charge- becoming more practical
I would rewrite the last line it doesn’t have the ffect I imagine you intended it to.
Overall, good writing, clear and concise. It really portrayed the viewpoint of the narrator well.
Jambel reviewed Version 1 -
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Very difficult to critique this piece as have not seen development of any of the characters and have no visual of the main character or any insight into his background.
Phrasing: Great descriptions of what the tumor has become for this man, like the analogy of it being like baby.
Presentation of theme: The question raised about whether we were split in half at some point in time is an interesting one, but shouldn’t you somehow reference the origins of this idea (one being Plato’s Symposium) and perhaps have it in a more dynamic scene, such as in dialogue with another person as opposed to just the dying man’s inner thoughts. Also, the idea that men and women categorically think in one way or another seems dated.
Plot: From these chapters can’t see where character has been (what has been significant about his life) and cannot see what real tension will develop to keep a reader’s interest. The last lines seem out of place given the musings that have just been relayed.
Character development: So far, all I can see is a dying man who is lecturing us about death in a detached philosophical way as opposed to experiencing and struggling with his own pending demise. Where is the story? Cannot visualize or sympathize with this man except for his concern about his family. Perhaps you should try letting the dying man interact with Karen as opposed to just watching her.
Grammar: Just a few problem areas. 2nd line use of “privy”; the use of the He/She is awkward and the switch to “It” for God is also awkward.
Best of luck,
lxlloyd reviewed Version 1 -
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The way you make use of short sentences among the paragraphs (e.g. “That is how I think God is.”) gives it a sense of dialogue, as though you’re following somebody’s reasoning, which is definitely positive when linked to the content.
I think that rather than using “He/She”, the repetition of the word “God” would bring emphasis to the thoughts expressed, and make the prose seem more natural- “He/she” has a tendency to remind the reader (Me, at any rate) that they are reading, which gives a disconcerting affect in which you (I) find that the first paragraph cannot draw you (Me) in as much as I feel it could. I understand the reluctance/unwillingness to enter straight into “it” though, as the content of the first paragraph is clearly noting the connection between humanity and divinity, and so I would personally not advise you to replace “He/she” with “it”.
The second paragraph could use some variation in the verbs… a gerund/present participle perhaps. Just to…mix it up a little? I’m not sure, i just feel it needs something to make it have a more natural. Another supposition or short mental note? that could work to break the structure up.
The “re-assimilation”/”fission” imagery is good. (“It takes all the knowledge, pain, sins, and doubts back to God. It downloads itself into God’s conscious to be processed and then it is re-assimilated.” and “Until another human couple fails in its fruitless quest to unite forever and fissions off another piece of God’s soul.”) It may have precedent, but you have used it subtly and, i think, effectively. Go you!
As I have said, the style is very effective through its clarity and your use of structure that can easily be followed, like good reasoning.
(a note on content: The fetus-tumour idea is creepy but strangely endearing. Actually, I had to look it up to ascerain that the US spelling is “fetus”. (I’ve always been taught Phoetus/foetus, the commonwealth versions.) )
Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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The opening sentence is striking. It will rattle the attention of all readers and force further probing. I found some issues in the writing. They appear in the right order below:
I did not see the need for the “from what is called” in the second sentence, unless you intend this to be sarcastic/sardonic, in which case I feel inverted commas around “practical” would be more apropos.
The third sentence is a tad confusing given you have introduced this “practical” POV as being the sole reserve of men. You seem to do a U-turn and then say the same thing about women, having left this realm exclusively to men. This distinction could stand to be clearer.
I was unsure about the phrase “have privy” here. To use it as a noun, it would either refer to a lavatory or the legal phrase “privity,” in which case I think it is too esoteric for most readers to gauge the meaning of. To use it as an adjective, I believe the meaning of “secret” is somewhat archaic, unless used in the phrase “privy to.” I would perhaps re-write this sentence, replacing this word for something simpler.
I understand the meaning of the sixth sentence, but I think it should be rephrased, as most people are able to think as a man/woman, whereas I think you mean putting yourself in the opposite sex’s shoes.
You use “He/She” but then say God is neither man nor woman. Wouldn’t these terms then become redundant?
I was confused by the meaning of “true” asexual divinity. Perhaps chop this word until you explain your line of thought in greater detail (also, what is meant by asexual here? This word seems ambiguous in the context of the piece.
I would lose “yet” since you seem to be inferring that men are defined in terms of being practical, or that if someone is in possession of one quality, they cannot be in possession of the other. I think if you are going to define man/woman with these two qualities, you should make this very clear from the beginning. Also, I would argue it is the woman who has the more “practical” traits than man.
The word “we” is missing in the next sentence.
Double space around “simple” = intentional?
“create” = created
I would use “its” instead of “their” when you are referring to humanity.
Why do you change back to “He/She” in the next sentence, when you have discarded these terms? There should be a comma after “constantly” and “forever.”
Do you mean “climax” in a non-sexual sense, as in reaching a state of completion? I think you should perhaps preface this word with a little more explanation.
You shift tenses in the next sentence with “dies” and “realize” and I was unsure about what exactly it was we “failed to join” here. I find it all rather vague here as to specifically what it is you are talking about.
“sundered…” = I like the phrase, but found the sentence a tad clunky, having to be read a second time.
“smidgeon” = smidgen, smidgin (I think it is too informal a word for the language you are using).
I wondered if it is possible to multiply a feeling in the sense you describe here. I think you mean multiply the extent or severity of this feeling rather than the feeling itself. I think you should lose the word “times” as it is out of place in the sentence.
“itself” = Itself, when referring to God?
“Interesting…” = I dislike this sentence, it is terribly pleased with itself
“struggle” = struggled
“Don’t believe…” = the shift from ruminative to almost personal, blog-style tone here is a little shift, but at any rate I think you should put an ‘I’ at the beginning of this sentence.
The next statement is also a strong declaration of opinion. For the piece to be informative, it might be better to remain impartial so as not to alienate too many reader with staunch beliefs.
The remainder of the story I actually had little problems with. I think the revelation about the brain tumour is quite surprising and will catch the reader unawares, and the resolute voice of the narrator is quite touching and very strong.
I think the actual character himself for me was a little more successful than the explanation of his religious thoughts, but this is tricky territory. It is a dense piece, definitely and to be more successful it will have to be more accessible to the reader from the beginning.
The more we understand his views on religion, the more powerful the revelation about this approaching death will be.
Claire_D
SymphonyMarie reviewed Version 1 -
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I hope this is what you mean when you ask for critique of the writing!
In paragraph one, I would join the sentence beginning with “although” to the previous, as it’s a fragment standing alone, and somewhat distracting. I also found the he/she distracting. One way to fix this might be using “He or She” to begin with, then referring to God simply as God, rather than as He/She (or It, which I found distracting, as well). Also, in the sentence “Not as pets, dogs or cats would fit that bill”, the comma should be a semi-colon. In the sentence “He/She watched us constantly seeking to become one again forever”, I wasn’t sure whether the one seeking was us, or God. I would phrase it differently so it doesn’t confuse the silly reader, like me.
“Interesting idea no?”, I would add a comma after idea. It’s more like the natural pause in speaking.
“It is feed” = “fed”.
The tumor gives moments of pure bliss? I would expand on this. It’s a strange concept, and I don’t quite understand what the narrator means.
10pfrw06 reviewed Version 1 -
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A great analogy between your wife carrying your childern and the tumor. I am confused how it can be of sheer bliss, though I think it’s connected to the next line. Do you feel the bliss by pushing everything out of it’s way? Possibly a little more description. A fantastic chapter.
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