Poetry / Euphoria

I like you how mixed up the rhyming between stanzas, it made this “sound” very interesting while I was reading it.

To me this reads like a very powerful excoriation of drug abuse, told by the abuser/abused.

I really liked the image “An anemic man’s iron cuff” because of course the cuff that binds the anemic is the lack of iron, whereas I would say the cuff that binds the addict is the lack of the drug, a very interesting parallel.

Very solid overall, with good choice of words and imagery.

My advice to you would be to continue writing and find your individual poetic voice, a way that you can say something in your own way (a way only you would say it) and other people can understand it. All great poets can be recognized by simply reading their work, you don’t have to look at who wrote it to know, you can tell because of the voice they have established. Reading this, I feel like I am reading a poem that I have read many times before; find a way to convey your thoughts in a more unique way that pertains to your perspective on life.

People are often under the impression that a good poem should always be obscure. I am against that. The idea should be simple and open to many interpretations. I didn’t actually get the gist of your poem. It sounds good, or even brilliant I would say. However,it is not understandable.Then, can i ask what you mean by ‘mother superior’?. Nevertheless, I liked the first stanza which goes, “There’s a poison creeping/And its killing me,/A desperate man’s vivid dream./There’s a ghost singing/And its calling me,/Soothing into endless sleep”. They are quite appealing. There is a definite rhythm and i appreciate that. Altogether, the poem is cool. Keep up with the great work!

I really like this. It’s very strong but I dont understand the whole thing about the anemic guy and the iron cuff? It seems kind of random. Maybe there’s something I’m not getting. But keep writting!

This seems incomplete to me as it never actually gets to a point in my mind.

I am actually oppsosed to the use of Ing words in poetry it tends to weaken an idea.

use of I and me also weakends the power of the words.

In your first line why not -

there’s a poison, it creeps
to kill and destroy

if you continue on in the same manner taking out the me and I and Ing words and replacing them you get a much stronger version of the words.

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November 26, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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30	M	Portland, OR	March 03

You shouldn’t toss “rules” around unless you have a strong reason behind them.

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This is actually pretty good, with some interesting word choices and images. I’m not sure that I would find a “ghost’s singing” to be very soothing. Perhaps “lulling” would be more suitable, as it can mean, “to give a false sense of security; cause to be less aware.” I realize that it takes away from the alliteration of “soothing” and “sleep” in that line, but you would still have internal rhyme with the repeated “L” and “S” sounds of “lulling”, “endless”, and “sleep”. I hope that you find this useful. :)

Stanza 1 lines 2, 5 and stanza 3 line 2 – “its” shoulf be “it’s”
But I think it would read much better if you just took out those “its”, try and see how it sounds.

“And the human rind lies twisted” – if you take out the “and” the rhythm of this stanza improves and the overall quality as you don’t want to start the line with “and” for no reason.

I would shorten the last 2 lines of the 2nd stanza this way “Empty hollow, -Time’s forgotten- murder.” -it doesn’t seem needed and the rhythm improves.
This stanza has beautiful selection of words, I especially like how “bled” and “leather” rhyme imperfectly – very nice.

There’s the opiate teasing – “an” instead of “the”

Overall the poem sounds excellent but in my opinion lacks details that would steer the reader in your desired direction. I can presume it’s about death, but the ending of the poem doesn’t lead me to any conclusion. The title either.
Nevertheless, a beautiful piece of poetry.

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November 26, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
767	87.6% (475 votes)	46.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	M	Portland, OR	March 03

I really thought it was about drug abuse, especially given the “Anemic in iron cuff” image.  Anemia deals with the body’s inability to process iron, and “cuff” of drug abuse is that the body feels like a slave to the drug, but only when it’s not there.

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i love love LOVE the detail in this. you just made it so easy to understand and imagine. so you never had me bored. the imagery in this is awesome.

my one suggestion would be to make it longer. although it is good as is, i feel that it would have more significance if it was a little longer.

other than that, no changes. good job. i hope you take my suggestions into consideration. :D

keep writing. youre awesome. stay awesome.

-molly-

dear Creator,
This write was very creative indeed…I see the death and rottening of people inside this write…give me a sort of timid feeling as I remember times of being in a circle of intimidating friends going on the wrong path…like in this write my hands are tired and I can not hold the hands of the wicked any longer and prayer is a definite possibility…

slongentl

its differnt to say the least, but a good poem is never easy to write, and you sure have wrote one here.  The rhyme scheme is unique but amazing and it flows brilliantly.  I love the imagery, very compelling and enthralling.  good work i wouldnt change anything,

cheers

-Carson