Poetry / Endless Night

The ryhymes are sophmoric and simple – nothing to brag about.  The rhythm is thrown off with the third stanza as well as the last.  The idea is vague, you don’t use concise concrete images to potray it.

For example what is “endless night” is it death?  if so, then how can you actually write the rest?

Who is they?

Here is some suggestions to help you:

Forget rhyming.

Establish your idea firmly in your mind.  Use strong poetic devices like imagary, metaphors, and allusions to paint your idea for us.

Realize that your readers don’t read your mind so please eliminate any sign of vagueness or thing only you know (they).

Good luck.

I enjoyed this a bot because I suffer from depression and anxiety. I used to write stuff like this all the time, and still do, so I can relate to it. It’s kinda dark, and I dunno… while reading it, I pictured somebody whispering it in the middle of the night, I don’t know why. Just gave me that feeling, like at the beginning of a movie. Just my logic.. haha. But yeah.

I like the general idea (awakening in endless night), but the means of conveying it seems a bit contrived. I would worry less about rhyming, more about the right word. I swear by Roget’s International Thesaurus. It works miracles in any kind of writing, but it is a must-have for poets.

I like this piece of work, it actualy remind me of a piece I created on my sister poetry site, titled Equiblem Requiem.

I love the metaphor in this piece, it flows with real energy and I began to feel your pain and rage, as I have this way of working…tend to put a bit to much feeling in my work some times.

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July 15, 2008

by goofygoober168

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not constructive

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Content-wise, my problem with the poem is that one has no idea why the person is in endless night. I think it would be better as a longer poem that details what brought about the hopelessness.

Stylistically, I think there are a number of words you should cut out:
Line 2: “your”
Line 7:”for you”
Line 12: “the”

also stanza #4 is not clear to me; who are the Mourners and what are they mourning? Is this line supposed to emphasize your aloneness?

I think there is a lot of emotion here that perhaps could be channeled in a way that would make it more relevant to others.

It’s an interesting poem in that there is a dark tone to it. There are hints here and there of a larger scheme; namely, the mention of the Mourners. Technically: the poem is well punctuated. Rhythm seemed rather lax though. In line 3, “against hope” could be left out… though it would slightly change the tone. The fifth line of the third stanza (line 13) really hurts to say out loud. I’m sure there’s a better way to write that stanza so that it flows better. Stanza 5 incorporated the 5th line very well, making it more a part of the poem than an tacked on piece. Overall, the poem struck me as vague and unpolished, but there is definitely some good ideas in it.

Strong stanzas

weak title

after reading this several times I believe this is about someone who is blind.

great cadence and rhthmn since you use soft consonants and nouns.

Interesting you don’t use question marks since you ask a lot of quetions.

Not much of a critique, sorry maybe some more imagery, like what the subject can’t see?

Very hard poem to critique. Blessings, Gregory

This did not flow to me. The idea is a good one, but some of the lines seemed a bit awkward or forced to me. There are quite a few cliches in here, which can either be very good for or very detremental to a peice. You have a good start here, it just feels like something may be missing or could be reworded.

I LOVED IT!!!

I COULD TOTALLY RELATE…AS AN INSOMNIAC READING THIS..
WITH A “HOPE AGAINST HOPE” THAT I CAN FALL ASLEEP SOMETIME SOOOOON!!!
I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH..

IT FELT LIKE ONE OF THOSE COMMERCIALS..FOR DRUGS.
DO YOU SUFFER FROM…..AND I’M SAYING, “YES!” “YES!” TO EVERYTHING!
Hehehe…

Good Piece..very relate-able :o)

I like your poetry. I see a lot of my thinking in your writing, and that’s great. I love the feel of the writing, and I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing.