Haiku/Senryu / Sandpaper Kisses (Analysis)

This is first time I’ve read a bloody Haiku.  Nice. Good job

Not being a Haiku groupie makes me a poor critic. However, the 5,7,5 rule has been adhered to and there is a message in the words,which is admirable.
This piece did raise images, which is what good writing should do. What it failed to do for me was to join the three lines together with sufficient conviction to make it a whole piece.
I think I am probably being really critical but that’s what happens when you write something with just 11 words. A novel will have at least 80 thousand so a glib response to a couple of years work is normal, but to choose just 11 words is quite different.
The words reflect a life spent cleaning on a number of levels and this is the chain that binds the author to an unsatisfactory life.
I predict the author of this piece is British and female, and probably a mother or grandmother.

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July 05, 2008

by candice

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
17	20.0% (5 votes)	19.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Brooklyn, NY	August 27

22 year old African American female :)..no kids ! lol.I thank you much for your comment because it did provide me with much to think on when writing haikus :)

July 22, 2008

by MisterP

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
159	70.6% (68 votes)	39.0%

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46	M	United Kingdom	November 21

It would be even nicer if I could count.
Glad it was of some use.

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Wow! What a great deal of intensity you have packed into those syllables! I would dearly love to know what prompted the creation of this piece as it surely would make for one hell of a short story. But of course I will leave that to you, if you are of that bent. The structure was crisp and the imagery powerful. Excellent, excellent work. Thank you for this one.

First of all, I love the title, without it some readers might be lost as to what the meaning of the haiku is. I love the creepy feeling I got while reading this. It makes me want so much more from the writer, like a short story. I want to see more from this perspective instead of just a glimpse into the writers potential. But for what it is, its brilliant. I love it.

that is one of the darkest haiku’s I have read. Very nice, I would change nothing, it’s great.

Hmm… this one is well written but for me it’s kind of hard to decipher what it really means. Oh well… maybe it’s supposed to be that way ^{^;;. Anyways, I like this tiny number, not bad. I hope you keep writing ^}.

thought shift at the end really isn’t a shift, it’s tied to the opening line, therefore this isn’t a haiku..

WOW, VERY REVEALING AND PROVOCATIVE, BUT SUCCESSFUL AND THRILLING, YOU GOT ME WITH THIS, NICE JOB.

GREAT WRITING, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

CARSON

Dark, my friend.  But I like it.  Very grim imagery.  Thanks.

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July 02, 2008

by candice

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
17	20.0% (5 votes)	19.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Brooklyn, NY	August 27

thank you very much :)

July 05, 2008

by Marvin

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
391	91.6% (214 votes)	65.5%

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31	M	United States	November 22

...and you are welcome.

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