First of all, thank you for the areas for editing, Johnsienoel. Teeabu’s age has been presented previously in the same chapter. This is a segment of Chapter One. Urbis isn’t set up to follow a story easily while critiquing. I like your suggestions, they’re well laid out. Of course, I would be glad to have you continue reviewing my stuff. I’ll be installing another segment called Chapter 1.2 in the Sci Fi & Fantasy category, either tonight or tomorrow. God speed.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Chapter 1.1b-The Captured (Teeabu & Train)
Bleep…bleep…A whirring noise came from behind Teeabu then hard metal pushed against his leg.
“Hey, Jerron. Stop it.” Teeabu dropped his fruit wrap onto the platform where they stood just a few feet away from the train. White light-emitting diodes striped along the length of the platform and craggy tunnel walls, allowed Teeabu clear visibility of the boarding area.
Teeabu swung around. “You’re messing with my leg. Stop—” A round green contraption tickled his leg, swept up the bread wrap, and vacuumed up the smaller pieces of fruit.
“Jerron…look what made me do. Made me spill my snack,” Teeabu whined.
“I didn’t do nothing.” Jerron pointed down at a Maintenance Mini Unit (MMU). “It’s that thing. It’s gotta do its job.”
Bleep, bleep. The little round unit projected small robotic arms, searching for more trash, spills or anything to clean. It passed Teeabu. Rushing like a green bug, it skittered along the platform toward the mono-rail train. Long and wide, the smooth curves of the train accented the glass on top and a brown stripe near the bottom. It waited for its passengers in the underground tunnel within the mountain.
Distracted by the immensity of this machine, Teeabu didn’t speak, did not move. He gazed at the train appearing luminous from the LED green lights, reflecting off the smooth surface. It was an uncommon excursion to travel outside of Irema’s proximity to the Dome Complex. For Teeabu, every moment of this rarity made him appreciate the trip even more. He took in the sight before him and marveled how privileged he was to experience the beauty of this moment. While he soaked in the sound of the crowd traffic, the lights, and the luminous train, for those few seconds, he closed his eyes and forgot about his spilled fruit and his friend. Those few seconds flickered by, broken by Jerron’s voice.
“Look. I always wanted to see what those buggers do. Come on, Teeabu, let’s follow it.”
Teeabu turned to Jerron and pulled his friend back by the arm. “We board over there.” He pointed west, toward the first few cars of the train.
“Come on. I gotta see the junk this thing picks up. It’ll be fun. Train won’t leave till ten minutes from now. We got time.”
“We’ll get in trouble for this. Dag it, Jerron!”
“Just because you’re taller than me doesn’t mean you have to act older. Come on, are you old as Methuselah?”
Teeabu threw up his arms. What else could he say to convince Jerron? “Old as Methuselah?” That priest lived for nearly nine hundred years, old beyond compare. Was he acting that old? Shaking off the thought, Teeabu decided he didn’t want miss out on this little adventure. He watched the MMU skitter around the legs of people waiting, people not ever flinching from the little bug’s mission to clean. This technology—accepted like trains, holographic images, automatic lights—was a norm, not even noticeable. But the boy in Teeabu wanted to run, find mysteries, and play.
He didn’t want to argue anymore.
“Let’s do it,” Teeabu said. He slapped Jerron’s raised palm with his sticky hand. It was their own private gesture.
They sprinted after the little contraption while it scurried in circular motions finding treasures of fallen papers, small hair pins, food scraps. Teeabu and Jerron laughed as they traced the MMU’s path. The waiting crowd, mixed with children, students, adults gave way to the two boys, trotting after the contraption. They bent over, touched it, teased it, and watched it pause for the next treasure.
The bug zig zagged until the crowd parted near the train and Teeabu stopped, holding Jerron back with his arm.
“Wait a minute. What?” Teeabu recognized Delah surrounded by two boys. Her fruit wrap spilled all over her favorite outfit. She held the empty bread wrapping unrolled in one hand and with her free hand she wiped at the red, orange and yellow gooey fruity stuff. The crowd seemed to have an intelligence of its own, giving room to his little cousin and the two boys. Without letting her know he was there, he watched and listened. Something was wrong.
A boy a little taller than Delah glared down at her. “You got us into trouble, girlie. You’re gonna pay.”
Delah’s forehead crinkled and her eyes glistened. She was quiet. Teeabu’s heart jumped. She was ready to cry. But why?
“Why is she so upset?” Teeabu said aloud without realizing it.
“News gets around here fast. I heard those two shiadungs nearly pushed your cousin over the rail.”
“What?”
The MMU had already cleaned up the gooey mess on the platform and skittered away for another treasure. Teeabu and Jerron let the critter go for its next find. They listened to see what would happen next.
Delah finally spoke, “You’re the one that got yourself in trouble. Not me. You’re the stupid one.”
“Stupid? You, freak, can’t talk to me like that. I need to teach you a lesson.” The boy pushed her. Teeabu started to take a step toward her, but Delah didn’t budge.
The boy backed up and with a good heave pushed her again. She stood pouting, not moving a muscle, not moving an inch, like a stone pillar.
“You dirty, dark—” Delah pushed him with her ten finger tips and he flew six feet backwards into a woman, causing the lady to tumble with him.
Delah turned to the other boy, walked up to him, and got into his face. He squirmed in his shoes as she stood eye to eye with him. The boy quivered, his hands fisted by his sides.
“I thought you were different. But you’re not. You’re afraid of him and me.” She paused, looking at the boy.
Teeabu scanned left to the fallen boy who had already gotten up, rubbing his mouth. Delah’s voice drew his attention back to her.
“You disappoint me, Jakin,” was all she said. She turned with her purse, climbed the small non-skid step stand, and entered the train.
The other boy that troubled Delah sneaked behind Jakin. “I’m gonna get her real good on the train. She won’t see daylight after I get through with her. I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve.”
Teeabu poked Jerron in the side. “I’m getting on here. Coming with me?”
“Nah, not on the kiddie train. I’ll let Elder know.” Jerron frowned. “Teeabu?”
“What?”
“Don’t do anything crazy. You know how you get.”
“Don’t start that.”
“Your only voice of reason is speaking…here…I mean, I’m already feeling sorry for those two.”
“Go on. Just tell Elder where I’m at.”
“You want me to warn those two so they’ll have a chance to live?” Jerron grinned, waited for a reply.
“They’ll live.” Teeabu smirked and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t know about you. You’re the one that made me spill my snack.”
Jerron snickered. “Always blaming me aren’t you,” he pushed on Teeabu’s shoulder.
“Better leave or I’ll get you and the other two.”
“Yeah, right. Better blame it on the critter. I’m off!” Jerron smacked Teeabu on his shoulder, laughed and ran to disappear in the crowd.
This train carried passengers from southwest to west Irema through the mountain range to connecting underground stations. Teeabu boarded after a few children. He was going home from a special day full of excitement, adventure, and achievements. He loved to sit at the window seat and see the landscape, underground tunnels, above ground train rails curving into the rocky terrain and mountain cliffs. He felt he had the power to do anything, conquer, be a part of great expectations after the prophecy. But not now. He needed to tend to some business for his cousin.
This train, different from Araidia’s infamous shuttle train that pumped prisoners and off-worlders to Araidia, was part of a transportation network in and outside of Irema’s parameters. For added safety against attacks of Granulups and hostiles, underground travel was the solution to destinations like the Dome Complex. The route spanned the Algathgama mountain range that half circled Irema.
Teeabu walked down the isle. Window seats on both sides easily held four people across so that meant it took ninety-six people to occupy one compartment. He looked at the crowd of faces, the teacher of the younger students sitting on the front row. Nearly every seat was filled. Thank Adoini, he didn’t need to look for Delah within a multitude of five hundred students, taking up the whole six-compartment train, booked for their excursion.
His eyes searched in the lit train and noticed Delah sitting in the back with her arms wrapped close around her, as if she were cold. Pressure lightened on his chest. She was safe and sitting alone with no one bothering her. With finding Delah resolved, he searched the middle of the car and found the two boys with a girl sitting together.
He stood in the isle a couple of seats away.
“Did you see the young priest guy? The one with the long braid down his back.” The girl, no older than eight, flipped her black hair. “Oh, he’s so the man. Good looking, too. I wish I were older, I’d—”
“Not so loud.” The boy, cruel to Delah, pushed on her shoulder. “He’s standing right over there.”
“Oh, oh, oh, Borell, let’s ask him to sit with us.” Teeabu pretended not to hear, looking in another direction, seeing them out of his peripheral vision.
“Sis, nooo. Don’t be stupid. We’ve got Jakin sitting here. Don’t you like Jakin?”
The girl sat forward and touched Jakin. “Let him sit with us? All right?”
“Why can’t I sit here?” Jakin asked, looking at Lanish.
“Just go to the back,” Borell said. The boy jabbed Jakin with his elbow into Jakin’s side, pushing him out of the seat into the aisle. “I’ll let you know when to come back.”
Jakin glared at Teeabu, sulked then bolted to the end of the car and plopped in a seat a few rows ahead of where Delah was sitting.
Teeabu still stood a couple of seats from the boy and his sister when the train lurched forward.
The girl pushed her brother out of the seat. The brother pushed her back and quickly sat down not to be thrown backwards from the forward momentum.
“Hey you, priest. My sis wants to talk to you,” Borell called out.
Teeabu looked around, feigned he didn’t hear Borell. Then Teeabu pointed at himself and mouthed, “Who me?”
“Who else I’d be talking too.”
Teeabu smiled, grabbed the head seat railings and walked against the forward movement. He finally sat next to the boy and his sister, squeezed the two closer to the window side, leaving just enough room on the seat for one more to sit.
“I’m so glad you can sit with us. Borell, let him sit in the middle next to me.”
Borell’s faced reddened, his mouth fixed into a thin line, and he harrumphed while crossing his arms.
“Here’s fine by me,” Teeabu said, smiling, scooting closer to Borell and Borell scooted closer to his sister.
Finally the brother spoke, “She thinks she likes you.”
“Yeah? Do you like me, uh…your name, please?”
“Lanish,” she said, giggling.
Borell pushed against Teeabu. “Get out of here. You’re taking up too much room.”
“I am?” He squeezed closer, pushing Borell and Lanish into the window side. “You like me. But why don’t you like Delah?”
Borell laughed then sneered in Teeabu’s face. “You haven’t figured it out? I thought you priests were smart. Something’s gotta be wrong with you because she’s nuthin’ but a Raidy.”
Lanish sat forward. “She’s a spy. She hasn’t got nothing to do with you.”
The train jolted into higher gear and moved swiftly forward. At the jolt, Teeabu slammed into Borrell’s shoulder.
“Oops, kind of a rough start, right?”
“Get out of my seat,” Borrell gave a painful jab with his elbow into Teeabu’s side. The young priest ignored the pain and refrained from stomping on the boy’s left foot. Borell yelled, “Hey, did you hear what I just said? Get out of my seat.” Heads turned. Teeabu put his right arm on Borell’s shoulder, smiled at the suspicious faces, and pulled Borell closer to him.
“Borell, if I ever catch you saying one bad thing about Delah. No. If I catch you even looking in her direction, I’ll use some of that good priestly training I learned. You know that fancy kick and fist move you guys love so much. I even got some good elbow moves, too.” Teeabu wanted to grip Borell’s hand and twist it. The hand, pale to his copper skin, was tempting to grab. A wrist thinner than his sat right there for his special twist move. While looking at Borell’s wrist, a thought came to his priestly aid. It came to his mind and stopped his next action:
He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding has a cool spirit.
As fleetingly as it came, it escaped. Then another violent thought came, a move taught to squeeze the opponent’s esophagus, Borell’s in this situation. The boy wouldn’t yell or anything else. Invading his thoughts, Teeabu’s constant studying of holy writ fought back his base emotions.
Before an act of violence, this one proverbial came to his remembrance:
He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from troubles.
Teeabu’s heart constricted in just that second not wanting to cause trouble. Remorse set in for what he desired. No, not now, Adoini, violence will not live in me. I surrender to you.
In this fleeting thought, he no longer resorted to the violent thoughts and held Borrell’s hand down. Peace was the more profitable and untroubled path to pursue, especially now that he was a priest.
Eyes locked and Teeabu never looked away, never moved from his seated position of pinning the two against the window.
“Borell, you never need to be afraid of Delah or me. But do not insult Adoini, yourself or your classmates with vengeance. Never resort to the company of fools, for Adoini sees you even in your most quiet moments. I do forgive you for what you’ve done. But be wise because you will have me, God’s law, and the school to answer to. I’ll see to it. Understand.”
The boy’s face flushed and his hazel eyes narrowed. “I don’t need to listen to you.”
“Stoooop,” Lanish tried to push her brother aside with her hip, “you’re squishing me. Give me some room, now.”
Teeabu scooted over to give more room and spoke softly in the boy’s ear.
“I’m Delah’s cousin. If you have anything to say or do, come after me.” Teeabu got up and saw Borell frowning and Lanish pouting.
“Borell,” their teacher’s voice reached Teeabu’s ear. Surprised, he turned around to see the Master standing next to him. “Borell, you had better listen to this apprentice. You’re already suspended. Best not worsen things or I’ll have to expel you. I’ll know if you commit any other acts against Delah. Keep that in mind the next time you contrive anything suspicious. And your parents will be contacted about this. Understood?” The tall Master clasped the handrail of the headrest in front of Borell’s seat, his body swaying while the train turned on a curve.
“Yes sir,” Borell said, slowly then pursed his lips, balling his fists.
The Master nodded to Teeabu and gave a longer nod to Borell then returned to his seat up front.
Teeabu, glad he took the path of peace, bent over and reached out to shake Lanish’s hand. She slowly proffered her hand. Teeabu gave it a gentle squeeze, a normal gesture of thanks.
The young apprentice priest bowed and said, “I’m glad you both enjoyed my induction.” He turned toward the back of the compartment and headed that way.
Delah’s arms were still crossed and still alone with no one harassing her. The other boy, Jakin, had sat a few seats up.
She sat in the last seat at the window on the opposite side of the isle from Borell and his sister. Teeabu plopped down beside her, holding on the seat railing in front of them.
“I can take care of myself,” she said, frowning. She turned away from him.
“You saw and heard everything, right.” She said nothing. “Can’t keep anything from you, can I?”
When she turned to him, his heart sank. Her eyes weren’t sparkling. “How can I take care of myself if you keep interfering?”
“I can’t help it. I heard those two nearly pushed you over the railing.”
“So.”
“So? I don’t believe this.”
“You need to mind your manners and stay out of my business.”
“Delah, you need to zip it shut. I didn’t see any manners when you pushed that boy.”
“I couldn’t help it. He’s been bugging me the whole day. I had to do something.”
“You had to do something, right? Well, do you think I can stand by and let that happen to you?” He waited for a response. She sat stone still. “Who do you think I am? Some numskull that’ll let his cousin keep getting hurt?” She wiped her eyes. “I didn’t think so.”
Could anything appear more broken down than she did at that moment? Her head lowered, eyes still drying from tears. He looked away at the back of the heads of Borell and Lanish. They weren’t animated anymore and sat quietly, not even showing sibling rivalry. The dark blue seats felt comfortable, contrasting Teeabu’s discomfort.
She finally spoke, “You could’ve made it worse.”
“I don’t think so.” Teeabu crossed arms.
“I got my purse and permission slip back.”
“Hmm?”
“They were the only things that fell over. After your ceremony, the MMU attendant returned them to me. Wasn’t that nice? Nothing broke or got lost.”
Teeabu grinned. Delah made small conversation about the tour and going to the Food Court afterwards. She mentioned nothing spectacular, but it made him feel better to hear her chit chat and see her smile.
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fruityness12 reviewed Version 3 -
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I like the world you’ve created here, the plot is believable, and so are the characters. I love the named!
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JalaranDeVine reviewed Version 3 -
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ok I have to say I love her spunkyness – Delah
Could anything appear more broken down than she did at that moment? - Think I’d look at the wording on this one, it just doesn’t flow, makes me come to a small stop in the story, not a good stop, a stop where I have to figure out what you mean by it. Because I’m sure many things could appear more broken down , perhaps even the train they are on.
Overall it’s a very nice piece of work, very readable, I enjoyed it a lot.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 3 -
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I have not had the opportunity to review other chapters but I found this a very engaging and engrossing read. Thank you for the opportunity. The narrative and dialogue are well crafted and despite the genre have a realistic quality. The reader is easily transported into this alternate universe. Well done. Here are some polishing points that jumped out to me during the reading:
P1 – ‘diode striping’ – consider reversing to striping diodes for easier readability.
bleep-bleep – but then you describe the sound as whirring. If there are two different sounds occurring than I think that needs to be clarified in the narrative.
underground tunnels [within the mountain] – could probably scratch []since that is implied by underground.
‘distracted by immensity of machine’ – at first I was confused because the only machine I had read about was the little green robot. Maybe change machine to locomotive.
‘every moment of the rarity/beauty of the moment’ – strike one of the ‘moments’ out of this sentence as they are redundant.
PG2 – West – consider left or right since we are underground and at this point lack a sense of direction. We need orientation has it relates to the current surroundings not an implied horizon
taller = older? Is he or isn’t he? feels like a convoluted thought and since Teeabu is later referenced as a boy and then a priest I became confused by his actual age.
PG3 – ‘skittered away for another treasure/let go for its next treasure’ – scratch the second and have the sentence be “Teeabu and Jerron let the critter go.”
PG4 – great propulsion of the story through dialogue
PG5 – and ran to disappear in the crowd. consider – ”...and ran off disappearing into the crowd” The way is is currently worded sounds like an intention to disappear rather than the byproduct of running off.
scratch [southwest] and replace to connecting with by or via connecting
‘special day’ – are these achievements in previous chapters? if not maybe a brief recap about what made the day so special
in and out[side] of Irema’s
attacks [by] Ganulupes
underground travel only? – but in previous paragraphs landscapes and above ground train rails are mentioned.
PG8 – “the hand, pale to his copper skin, was tempting [to be] grabbed.”
proverbial – change to proverb
PG9 – squirmed – lying prostrate – these are contradictory images as are slowing down – abruptly.
PG10 – again a contradiction in this trains path. I was under the impression this was all underground to avoid attack but here we are presented with green rolling fields.
PG11 – should be [He wiped his ahnds while his little cousin…”
again I am confused by ages, she was only a kid compared to Teeabu? yet Teeabu was referred to a a boy.
PG12 – headrest [cushion] – implicit of headrest so I think you can delete
hissing sounded beneath their feet – again you could delete what follows since it is already implied in what is stated.
PG14 – dialogue for the first time feels a tad convoluted:
if they healed his mind why doesn’t he know what is in their native nature; if their nature is criminal would healing his brain not bring it back to that state?
“Wrong is our foundation…” – I found this entire paragraph difficult to read. Too much going on in a tightly bound sentence structure. Maybe break it down into a more realistic pace. Also, wouldn’t Yal already know this history? So maybe instead of dialogue to explain narrative would suffice.
the sentence needed clarification – The sub-officer from behind at a row terminal councils:
The sub-officer from behind a row of terminal consoles….
Overall, again, a really great and engaging read and I would certainly read more.
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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I can clearly see the little maintenance machine. Very well written.
Come on, are you old as Methuselah?” You act as old as Methuselah? ? Maybe. It would be a statement but a comparison.
What chapter is this? I remember the first ones. I need to review them i think. I will read over them to catch up.
“Borell, if I ever catch you saying one bad thing about Delah.
One is an extra word and is not needed. This sentence sounds flip. How about, Borell, leave Deliah alone. Keep your unkind words to yourself. This is a priest who would be sophisticated in verbage. I don’t know how old he is but he would still be educated.
I like the sophistication of the priest’s voice on the next page.
Teeabu never moved from his seated position of pinning the two against the window
Teeabu did not move from his seated position….. I thought this sounded better.
I am happy to see the entrance of Irema into the story. You have introduced the readers to the characters now you are beginning to build around the plot this is very good. This seems to be a character driven plot meaning the characters move the reader toward the plot and not the other way around. Very good images. You have a marvelous way with descriptions. I will continue to look for more excerpts, Sandi
You capture the voices of the youths very well. I am impressed.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 3 -
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What can I say? This gets better and better. I can honestly say that for the most part and can imaging reading this in a published novel at a bookstore. It has a nice smooth flow and clips along.
“Like a green bug, it skittered along” I’ve always loved this description. It’s not necessary, but you could take it even further, by saying what kind of bug. I picture a large beetle, or scarabs like in the mummy.
“Distracted by the immensity” I wonder if distracted is the best word. Consider, struck, awe-struck, amazed, awed, mesmerized.
“gave two sticky backhanded slaps. It was their own private gesture.” …slaps, their own private gesture.
“Delah sided by two boys.” Suggestion, standing between two boys
“gooey fruity stuff.” gooey fruit
“Without letting her know he was there,” suggestion, Without drawing attention to himself,
“glared down at her.” It might just be me, but when I think of someone glaring down at another person I usually think of them being significantly taller, like at least six inches.
“The MMU had already cleaned up the gooey mess on the platform and skittered away for another treasure. Teeabu and Jerron let the critter go for its next treasure.” This is a nice little beat of descriptive action among the dialogue.
“His cousin had always mentioned not to interfere with her affairs.” Suggestion: He knew his cousin hated it when he interfered with her affairs. Or He’d been asked by his cousin not to interfere with her affairs more than once.
“Why can’t I sit here?” That’s a good question. If each seat holds four people, why does Jakin have to move?
“Teeabu wanted to grip” Suggestion, Teeabu resisted the urge to
“Teeabu got up and saw Borell frowning and Lanish pouting.” You don’t need to say the Teeabu saw them, this is his pov. Consider describing what Lanish is doing. Are her arms crossed over her chest? Is she sticking her lip out?
“his body swaying while the train turned on a curve.” Great little detail.
“went to return” returned
“lights blinked” the lights
“Thrown backwards by the train losing power, he knocked down the Master, falling on top of the teacher.” Awkward. The train lost power knocking Teeabu backward. He crashed into the Master and followed him down landing on top of the teacher.
“Screams, students crawling over each other, and poor Master Fontell squirmed beneath Teeabu.” Screaming students crawled over each other as poor Master Fontell squirmed beneath Teeabu. Or Students screamed and crawled over each other as Master …. Or Students screamed and crawled over each other. Master Fontell squirmed beneath Teeabu.
“Teeabu hopped up, found the teacher lying prostrate.” This is Teeabu’s pov, since you already told us he fell on the Master then Teeabu already knows the Master is under him. Maybe… Teeabu hopped up and helped the Master to his feet.
“blurted out what happened.” I’m not sure what they are blurting out. Are they stating what happened, a power failure or are they literally asking “what happened?”
“What Teeabu felt as normal when he’d sit on the train was gone. Persistent humming of the train and thrumming through his legs from the power units below the floor panel had stopped.” This kind of overstates the obvious. I would suggest combining the two sentences to read something like… The Persistent humming of the train and thrumming Teeabu had felt through his legs from the power units below the floor panel, was gone.
“now darkly tinted” dark tinted
“they’d be stranded.” I think we need some more details, what’s the big deal about being stranded? Are there no other modes of transportation? What are the dangers out here? Etc.
“with nods and a yes.” Unless only one student said, ‘yes,’ I’d say ‘yeses’ or say, ‘with a nod or a yes.’
“The teacher pointed Teeabu to sit.” He either motioned or gestured or pointed Teeabu toward a seat. ‘Pointed Teeabu’ is awkward. Maybe something as simple as ‘pointed to Teeabu to sit.’
“Delah looked at him, her eyes darting back and forth.” Maybe this is being too picky, but her eyes darting back and forth to me sound like she looking everywhere, so I don’t’ think she can look at Teeabu at the same time.
Something just occurred to me. Jerron told Teeabu that both Borell and Jakin tried to push Delah. Why does Teeabu not threaten Jakin? If he figures Borell to be the ring leader than it wouldn’t hurt to mention that Teeabu thinks that if Borell is under control Jakin won’t be a problem.
“His wiped hands” This doesn’t make sense.
“I heard those two nearly pushed” It sounds like he’s talking about Borell and Lannish. But it was Borell and Jakin that pushed her wasn’t it? You never mention Lannish being present.
“She’s deluding herself, he thought.” The italics indicate thought and this Teeabu’s pov. Delete ‘he thought.’
“the darktly tinted” darkly or dark
I love the changes you made in the conversations on the train, well done!
“and takeover by” taken over by
“Instead of us giving” delete ‘us.’
“The sub-officers from behind at a row terminal councils, had locked in the coordinates.” Awkward. Suggestion, ‘Te sub-officers locked in the coordinates from behind at a row of terminal councils.’
“helmets on and” on, and
makemebreakme555 reviewed Version 2 -
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Hm. Is wonder if this story is going to have some type of love triangle. There seems to be some flirting in the story. Also did you make up some of the sentences in italic? Overall i liked it, the story had it’s own uniqueness. Delah seemed kind of bold in a way. Also independent. She doesn’t want people to think that she is weak.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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Dag it. Do you mean dang?
The crowd seemed to have an intelligence of its own, giving room to his little cousin and the two boys. Without letting her know he was there, he watched and listened. Something was wrong. This needs fixing. It is confusing. you are speaking for several people, here, as in “crowd”. Whose cousin are you referring to?
This is very well written. The banter is good between the characters. The transitions are smooth and interesting. I only have one problem here: it needs a little more action. This is a fantasy piece and i have been keeping up with it, But i think you need to start building around its plot. You started with Delah almost falling over the railing and then touched on how she is different from the rest of the young adults. You must now start building action and give her something to do. Okay. Good luck. Keep me posted Sandi
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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The strength of this chapter is its structure. I like the device of the robot leading the boys to observe the conflict between Delah and the two boys. There is the middle with the children on the train and then the end with Teeabu and Delah talking at the end.
On the train, much of the description of where the children are sitting and pushing and scooting could be condensed. It becomes distracting after a while.
Proofreading Notes.
walls, allowed Teeabu = allowing ? Or you could change striped to striping and delete the comma before allowed.
I would delete Rushing: “Like a green bug, it skittered . . .”
LED green lights = green LED lights or LEDs
A high-five doesn’t sound like a private gesture. Is there a way to make this gesture more original?
zig zagged = zigzagged
Who says “News gets around . . .”?
“Teeabu started to take a step . . .” (The relationship between Teeabu wanting to help Delah and Delah’s not budging could be clearer. Why would he not come to her rescue simply because she was standing her ground? Wouldn’t he still join her to give her support?)
“You dirty, dark – ” Who says this? If it’s not Delah, then her action directly after this line needs to be on another line.
that troubled Delah = had troubled
laying prostrate = lying (intransitive)
where I’m at.” = where I am.” (I know this is dialogue and these boys don’t always speak grammatically, but this is a common mistake that shouldn’t be perpetuated, especially in a book meant for teenagers.)
“Always blaming me aren’t you,” he pushed = “Always blaming me, aren’t you?” He pushed . . .
isle = aisle
I would delete “His eyes searched in the train”
brother spoke, “She (comma should be a colon)
As fleetingly as it came . . . (The word fleeting is about how long something lasts: how fast something ends rather than how fast it comes.)
Although Teeabu tells Borell that Borell doesn’t need to fear Teeabu or Delah, he goes on to give him very good reason to fear them. This would make more sense if it were contingent upon Borell’s actions: You don’t need to fear us IF . . .
glad he took the path of peace = had taken
Teeabu are you unharmed?” (insert comma after Teeabu)
I’m not sure at all what happened when the lights blinked off and the train slowed. Why did this happen? And why does everyone fall all over one another? Teeabu says that he’s sorry he did it. Did he cause the train to stop or slow?
shutdown = shut down
SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Another solid and entertaining installment. Each draft if better than the one before! Your hard work and dedication shows and is paying off.
“A whirring noise came from behind Teeabu then hard metal pushed against his leg.” Suggestion: Teeabu heard a whirring noise and then felt hard metal pushing against his leg.
“Hey, Jerron. Stop it.” Teeabu dropped his fruit wrap” seems like he would drop his wrap first and then yell at Jerron.
“White light-emitting diodes striped along the length of the platform and craggy tunnel walls, allowed Teeabu clear visibility of the boarding area.” I think this sentence should be moved to the beginning. Otherwise it seems odd that Teeabu (the pov character) would stop in the middle of this exchange to notice the lights and tunnel walls.
“an uncommon excursion to travel outside” Why was it uncommon? It seems like a place people would frequent.
“people not ever” not even?
“was a norm, not even noticeable.” Maybe ‘nothing noteworthy’ or ‘exciting.’ They would notice a holographic image, they just wouldn’t think anything of it.
“sticky hand. It was their own private gesture.” sticky hand, their own….
“Teeabu scanned left to the” scanned makes it sound like he’s searching for the Borell. But, he would have seen where he fell I would think.
“You know how you get.” This reminds me of an episode of Boston Legal, where they tell Brad, ‘not to go all Mannix on them.’
“searched in the train” delete ‘in.’
“Pressure lightened on his chest.” Suggestion, ‘The pressure in his chest lightened.’
“With finding Delah resolved, he searched the middle of the car and found the two boys with a girl sitting together.” Suggestion, ‘Having found Delah, he searched the middle of car and spotted the two boys sharing a seat with a girl.’
“no older than eight,” I would take this out. It’s a little awkward and since we know these are Delah’s classmates, we will assume they’re her age.
“The boy, cruel to Delah,” This might flow a little better if you say, ‘The boy who had been cruel….”
“looking at Lanish.” Does Teeabu know her name? If not and the name hasn’t been mentioned yet you can’t use it yet.
“that good priestly” the priestly. Good implies that he also received bad priestly training.
“desired.No” desired. No
“Eyes locked and Teeabu never moved from his seated position” His eyes are locked where? With Borell’s. That seems kind of awkward. They must be sitting side by side and if he’s squishing him against the window it would be pretty hard to make eye contact.
“The Master nodded to Teeabu and gave a longer nod to Borell then went to return to his seat up front.” Not necessary, but consider, ‘The Master nodded to Teeabu, gave a longer nod to Borell, and then ….’
“found the teacher laying prostrate.” How else would he find him after falling on him?
“Check to see if the person” Are the lights still off? Can they see?
“I’m sorry I did that,” Sorry he did what, fall on the Master? Why would he be sorry it wasn’t his fault? ”
“streaking by as the train sped. If the power didn’t return, they would be stranded.” How can the train still be speeding without the power?
“The teacher pointed” Teeabu motioned for Teeabu
“The other boy, Jakin, had sat a few seats up.” We already know this, unless you tell the reader otherwise we will assume he’s still sitting there, plus it’s not really relevant at this point.
“His hands were shaking” I don’t understand why his hands are shaking. Why would he be upset?
“When is this train starting up?” Why is he asking this now to Delah? How would she know?
I really like the addition of the blackout. It’s well done, but I think you need to take it even further. It doesn’t seem that out of the ordinary. I would suggest a little more chaos with the kiddies. If this has never happened before they’d be upset.
Nice ending.
DragonQueen reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Once again great work. YOu fully had me pulled into teh story as if watchign a movie. Below i have a few examples this timei managesd to pullout.
“Borell, if I ever catch you saying one bad thing about Delah. No. If I catch you even looking in her direction, I’ll use some of that good priestly training I learned. You know that fancy kick and fist move you guys love so much. I even got some good elbow moves, too.”
this is when the audience cheers and soem looseres say burned. well done.
Before he touched her fingertips, lights blinked off. Thrown backwards by the train slowing, he knocked down the Master, falling on top of the teacher.
Teh audience gasps and becomes slience, whats going on? well done witht his as well
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Version 1
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