Journalism / Ego-Economics and the Strain of the Modern Friendship

You came really close to paralleling Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning.” His premise was that the only genuine sources of meaning are relationships, activities, and religious faith. In the absence of one of these sources, a person falls to existential crisis and is certain to develop a neurosis in the form of addiction, aggression, or depression. Your comments about being adrift in a boat with a monster were especially powerful.

On the writing, the voice seemed a bit condescending. If that’s what you intended, fine. But you could use two techniques to connect with the reader more intimately. 1) Turn some of the statements into questions. 2) Instead of writing in broad generalities, get into a character point of view.

Example: “Ask yourself, do you have true friends or just a collection of co-workers and business associates? Mary Johnson felt safely cocooned in her clutch of pals until she lost her job to the maw of globalization. Her social network dried up faster than her bank account….” Then go into the destructive effects of the ego.

I hope that helps. Good work.

What can you say?

It would be too obvious to suggest that you find the middle way. Because clearly life throws too many obstacles up to meet you. Alistair Crowley always thought that no amount of excess went too far when it came to gaining experiences to enrich your life. But even too much self reflection can be a trip in the wrong direction.

“noone” – “no one”
“A feeling, of acceptance” – no comma

“Most people aren’t even concerned with acceptance” – I strongly disagree with this statement.  If people didn’t care about acceptance, there would be no fashion industry, just to pick an example out of thin air, because no one would care if they were dressing in a way that would gain them acceptance from other people.  There would be no emotional turmoil associated with being a young teen, because there would be no worrying whether one was ‘accepted’ by one’s age-mates.  There would be no politics – why would anyone care what another person thought about an issue, or try to gain that person’s acceptance of their own views?  Also, that should be a semicolon, not a comma, after “with acceptance”.

“from others. Drugs and money” – “from others: drugs and money.”  And again, I strongly disagree with this statement.  But maybe I’m just a socially deviant weirdo, since I’ve never wanted to get drugs from anyone…

“owards” – “toward”
“they avoid you…”  And this is a bad thing how...?
“outcast of” – “outcast from”
“situation arises, is” – no comma
“than you are a terrible” – “then you are…”
“square that isnt” – “square who isn’t”
“becuase” – “because”
“the Jones’s” – “the Joneses”
“sense of self, at least” – semicolon or period, not comma
“month long” – “month-long”
“random passers by” – “passers-by”
“noone’s” – “no one’s”

“that is noones business but your own”  Oddly enough, that is someone else’s business, since there are laws against that sort of behavior… I would also think that the sort of people who are drawn closer by that kind of behavior aren’t exactly the best people to be friends with.  Friends help you move; good friends talk you out of doing things that would make moving a body necessary.

“Sadly in todays” – “Sadly, in today’s”
“selfloving” – “self-loving”
“becuase” – “because”
“one of two things… you’ll never” – “two things: you’ll”
“out to sea you” – comma after “sea”
“Oh sick twist of fate.” – probably ought to end this with an exclamation mark instead
comma after “water runs out”
“just make sure” – capitalize “Just”
“becuase” – “because”

It seems to me that the real problem is not that all people are extremely selfish and only care about what they can get from everyone else (we wouldn’t have words for ‘altruism’ and ‘generosity’ and ‘empathy’ if they didn’t exist, would we?), but that the author of this piece has had many bad experiences with people who were not real friends, and has made the assumption that this is how all people behave.  I cannot offer a solution to this problem, other than ‘Stop hanging out with, or trying to hang out with, people who think they need drugs and excessive alcohol to have fun.  Don’t assume that a real friend is someone who doesn’t care what you do, because a real friend cares very much if you are harming yourself.’

That said, I quite liked your extended metaphor of a ship at sea, beginning with the phrase “change in the tide of thinking.”  The part about a monster in the boat was particularly vivid – and unexpected, which I think made the metaphor work even better.

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October 09, 2008

by fantomas777

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	11.1% (9 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Pensacola, FL	October 09

well you do have to realize that this was written on a ‘spur of the moment’ basis under extreme intoxication… so take it as you will.

October 18, 2008

by Weaver

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
664	90.0% (210 votes)	28.3%

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36	M	Lexington, KY	November 04

“Spur of the moment” is irrelevant… Writing should be judged on its own merits, not based on how long it took the author to write it or whether the author was drunk at the time.

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“These days, people are so concerned with keeping up with the Jones’s and having a flashy car that they lose their sense of self, at least that’s my experience.” I had a writer teacher once say “Never say my experience, or I think, because it devalues what you say.” Now, I do the same thing, but it’s food for thought. This reads kind’ve like a letter to an editor. Yet you bring up things for no reasons. Why is someone an alcoholic if they don’t fall into a happy medium? Why bring up alcoholism at all? It didn’t read bad, I was just confused. Like I said, good ideas, and feels like a letter, but needs some clear explanations of what you mean. Say something, and you can spend the day backing it up. I have worked as a journalist, and learned that the hard way. Thanks for letting me read this. I wish you luck.

Not journalism, but I’m not going to hold that against you. I think this would be an excellent song. Seriously. The entire time I was reading this, there was this weird trance beat going on in my head that seemed to work well with the words. When I say song, what I really mean is something like the Trainspotting theme—I think it’s called “born slippy” or “two months off,” something like that.

As far as content, outside of paragraphs, there are a few spelling errors that I noticed immediately. You left a “t” off “towards” in the fourth line, it should be “self-loving hypocrites.” These are common errors for just typing too fast. If you want to submit it as an actual written piece in any genre, it needs some retooling, but I say, stick with the song.

I’m not really sure why I am rating you as a 10 :-) but I do!  10 for honesty.  I dig what you say bro (or sis!).  The truth of why this is happening is even scarier than the fact that it is happening.  Anyway..we can shelve the scare mongering for now and stack this within the perspective of dynamic and static quality (http://www.shelfari.com/books/11131/Zen-and-the-Art-of-Motorcycle-Maintenance-An-Inquiry-Into-Values)

Those who choose to keep up with the joneses and acquire the latest status symbol gizmos are also pursuing quality however they allow themselves to be deluded into believing that this is where its at and end up being caught in a static value web where everything is defined and which will slowly grind itself down to oblivion.

Keep seekin…!

First of all, you communicated your feelings fairly well. However, I think you are misdirected. I am a person who enjoys drinking and sometimes highly indulgent behavior with alcohol and drugs. However, I have friends that are highly religious and who’s morals differ from mine. This makes no difference in our friendships. I do not use them, nor judge them and they are the same with me. Maybe you have had some bad experiences with people, but I think it is important not to generalize everyone into the same category.

Also, this is not considered journalism, journalism is based in fact. This would be more along the lines of diary and blogging. Good luck.

This piece has potential but needs a lot of work. Along that same vein, its in the wrong category. This is meant more for the journal category. That being said, you have to redraft this with the intent of issuing contructive rather than destructive perspective. This entry has merit but borders on the lament of a pissed off preacher. But even he has God.

Quick personal life advice:
Stop judging. Be yourself. People are people and that’s pretty much it. Sometimes they surprise you. Othertimes they disappoint you. Appreciate the here and now. Let life happen for you. It will. It always does. What you do with the opportunities present speak long of your character and your desires. Perhaps with some self reflection, you will be able to find the true voice of this piece. Good luck and keep writing.

edits:
typos—oward, noone, themselves (got to spellcheck before you submit.)

When you don’t drink or drug, they avoid you because you are not one of them. (or do drugs. Again in the next line. Do use drink or drug. It comes across hackney.)

This piece is coming off preachy, bordering on in-your-face preachy. HOwever, you added “this is my experience” which resolves the reader somewhat ofyour blame yet you still need to temper this.

self-loving

Example of casting judgement (putting off the reader to the voice of this piece:)
So low in fact that if you do set sail, it had better be a solo journey becuase more than one person on board will surely be more weight than your vessel can handle

The following two paragraphs are unneeded. If anything, they detract from the piece.

Overall you have a nice agruement here. A interesting take on the ideas. It would be strong if you added a few breaks to help the reader. Also: You have a typo and missed placed comma here and there. “Drugs and money,” what about them? You probably were refering to the line before it, but who’s to know? “drink or drug” again I think I know what you are going for, but as it stands, it sounds as if your saying if you drink or drug (to drug someone). adjust phrasing or add “use.”  Overall this is interesting, just needs to be cleaned up a little. Good Luck!

First off, I love the title.  It certainly sums up the ensuing piece.

But you write with a great deal of bitterness here.  If that’s what you’re looking for here, then fine.  Otherwise, I’d try to dial it back a bit.

You have a few spelling and grammar errors here (most notably, in the clunky use of “noone,” which I would change to “nobody”).

Also, you bounce back and forth from thought to thought in each sentence, and you post this as a single paragraph.  I would break this into several paragraphs by bringing together the sentences that are related in their ideas, and then elaborate on the themes you present, such as your feelings about how hard it is to find true friends (which have always been hard to find; this isn’t a new phenomenon, as you suggest, because people have always been primarily concerned with their own comforts), and the tradeoff that seems to come from being one extreme or the other.

Good luck with whatever you intend to do with this.