any chance you could elaborate on “disturbing?” the verse is the imagery, that i havent come to terms with the fact that she is gone, forever. not broken up, not moved away, but passed from this life. to spell it out would not convey that. the verse is a feeling, the imagery is to express that. “i am sad shes gone” doesnt quite sum it up, does that make sense?
Lyrics / gone (Analysis)
this has something on me, its already owned me, honestly im waiting to feel what its like to not to be lonely.. the price of whats right is whats left to believe, that the sober soldier i am on my knees cant stand up to the bottle my ego needs, my evil, my greed, and the tears that wet the seed, of the facade they applaud when my wrists dont bleed; these shoulders and a rib cage under a mind no longer mine, holding the pages of a story of man after his time, tried and calloused from holding on too tight, to the vision of a blind man who could lead you to the light..
my mind cant stop the screaming until at night im smiling cuz your dreaming, i catch me freestyling to a beat that i imagine seems to need me, your heart the kick, your breath the snare, whispering softly into your ear beneath your long dark hair.. ill hold still forever if you never leave my chest, i know now youll never find the ring i hide inside the desk, with everything i give i never imagined what id get, thats why i dont have the heart to tell my mind youve left..
looking for sunshine to save me from my darkness, too blind to find myself im played for what my part is,constants changing and i hate it because i always lose when the truth keeps playing favorites, indifferent impatience keeps me stealing kisses from the pavement, barely breathing i keep screaming i cant take this.. adjusting the gain to numb the pain, crying back the time ive spent, selling my mind the words i rhyme are the ones you really meant.. i know i believed you when you told me you were leaving, but its still hard to understand that your not breathing.
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JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 2 -
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PenelopeMV reviewed Version 2 -
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Yoni reviewed Version 2 -
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Aura reviewed Version 2 -
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SoCo_Nes reviewed Version 2 -
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From reading this “verse” two times, I must say it grew on me. It has visual appeal, especially liked the on my knees can’t stand up to the bottle my ego needs…tells me that he needs liquor to aviod the current situation of being “dumped, someone in the past.”
In my opinion, it reads as a goodbye letter, reflection of the past, the present, and what has to be accepted in one own’s mind to move forward.
“to the vision of a blind man who could lead you to the light..” great line!
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vickiebellew reviewed Version 2 -
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I found this piece to be disturbing.You don’t complete any one picture, but jump from one image to another without rhyme or reason. You hint at several things but don’t connect them. work it some and see if it will flow better. Good luck
stephBALTIMORE reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed the flow of this piece. I could definitely see this transform into a song. i love the images that come to my mind. I especially love this image: ” holding the pages of a story of man after his time, tried and calloused from holding on too tight, to the vision of a blind man who could lead you to the light”
jewliestar reviewed Version 2 -
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Oh, how sad, I assume by the writing that someone close to you died. If true I am sorry and I say God bless you. The writing was very good.
Cherubim27 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the way you get the message across, this sounds like a song I would want to play a lot, but there are a few things in the beginning that leave me feeling stuck, like I have to re-read or re-sing it to make sure I am not missing something.”like to not to be lonely” doesn’t flow and the rest of the lines in the first verse need to be reworked just a bit. Keep writing, the lyrics and the flow are really good!
punkychick123 reviewed Version 1 -
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These lyrics are deep, man. I love how you used personification of human personas to a drum. I can tell that the last paragraph held many emotions that were easy to understand. Is this based on a personal expirience? The play with words makes it feel like it is. Overall, I enjoyed your work and can’t wait to read more of your pieces.
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Version 2
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