Poetry / drink and dream

I like the second stanza, especially the last four lines. It has a tone of ambiguity which is interesting. It hints at a story. The rest of it I did not like because it comes across as clicheed statements about love. Overall I think you could improve this poem if you said more about the ambiguities and less about your longing for your lover.

This poem has a raunchy-ness to it. It is upbeat, makes me think of song lyrics as it kind of sang to me. You should market this as a song lyric. To add to this your lyrics make sense with truly deep meaningful words. You are one clever poet. This story is universal – a tale of unrequited love. I picture a person in love with their best friends partner. Bravo P.S. I would not change a single word, to me it is perfection.

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August 08, 2008

by lostthunder

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	82.5% (40 votes)	100.0%

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26	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	November 17

perfection ??? i wouldn’t go that far. but thanx for the words. it is, of course, appreciated. LATER

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I like it but it still feels somewhat unfinished. Some of your lines deliver a good break but other ones seem like you just used filler words cause you couldnt really crank out what you had in mind. come back to this. Good work though.

If love corrupts why does he want her forever? I guess he must be glutting for punishment. I get it. Is he saying that he knows she is bad but doesn’t care and wants her anyway?
the feeling of yearning
for something so true
the feeling of sorrow
for not knowing you
what you have to offer
and the things that i seek
i found all at once
when you kissed my cheek
perhaps its not intended
to bring about this thing
He doesn’t know hwe, then why does he want her? How can you yearn for someone you don’t know. Perhaps he is in love with the idea of her? You don’t really express this. The poem seems contradictory. He says that he knows she is poisoness, yet he says he doesn’t know her. He gets close enough to kiss her but yet he doesn’t know her. How does he know what she has to offer? Do you see ehat i mean? I am trying to help not hurt. Hey i am not much of a poet, so you might want to get a second opinion. (See my stuff and you will know) However i am asking questions. These are the things i wnt ot know as the reader. Respectfully, Sandi

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July 20, 2008

by lostthunder

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	82.5% (40 votes)	100.0%

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26	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	November 17

think of a friendship that you wanted to be more than that. and knowing the kind of rep someone has, but wanting them despite that. i think that was the frame of mind i was under at the time.

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