Poetry / Incomplet Past

the last stanza is strong. i don’t like that you didn’t finish the sentence. the first part of the poem, up until the last 3 stanzas are good, however the rhyme scheme is almost too much. i think you try so hard to find words to fit in with the rhyming, it almost loses its emotions. then the last 3 stanzas, there seems to be no rhyme scheme at all. switching from constant rhyme to the ‘a-b-a-c’ in S7 & 8 then to none at all is too abrubt & inconsistent, it almost seems like 2 poems squashed together. i think you should go back through the first part, make it less so rhym-y, sing song-y, get your meaning across. i think you use the word ‘and’ too much throughout when in most places you could cut that word completely. i really loved the line “let the scars fall and peel”. the line “though they almost kill me dead” doesn’t make as much sense. i like the content of the poem, longing for the past, regrets, i love the last stanza but you should finish it, not leave it up in the air, if you truly want to get your point across, plus i think where your going there would be an emotinal punch that this poem needs, & a good way to end it.

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December 26, 2008

by lostthunder

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	84.0% (50 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	April 15

thank you much. the only point to the ending is that it leaves it up to the reader. its supposed to make them think about what they would do in the same situation. i agree with most of what you said, i reread it and grimace slightly. but those are the words that came up when i was inspired. thanx again

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If you only used the last three sections, I’d give this an 8 or 9, but I hated the part trying to rhyme everything.  With that said I really did enjoy the end.  The beginning kind of threw me off tho.  

Ooh, I really liked this. It caught my attention from the very first line and it held my attention the whole way through. I felt that I could definitely relate to it, as well. It was simple, but it still had a lot of depth to it. The only thing that kind of threw me off when reading was “if my dreams were truly real id not know how to feel”. Maybe change it to: “if my dreams were truly real i would not know how to feel”. When I changed that line in my head to that, it seemed to flow better and have a more consistent rhythm. Other than that, it was a fantastic piece. Great job!

i think you should keep the form you started in the first six stanzas.
the rhymes worked well together and made complete sense.
dropping the rhyming in the last 3 stanzas seems like lazy writing. it’s also distratcing to the reader because the focus is taken off of the poem. when they rhyming stopping i thought “hey where did the rhyming go” instead of continuing to read the poem.