Poetry / Paint What You Like

Very cool poem, but needs a little work.

“It rises faster than Jesus Christ.” What is “it” in this line? I suggest you clear this up to add further clarity and meaning.

Diction and syntax in the second stanza really need help:

“Phony things ring; real ones cast,
past isn’t present, later ain’t neither.
The blurry sun’s still right now”

Just a suggestion, but here’s how I’d rework these lines:

“Phony things ring; real ones cast,
past is not present, neither is later.
The blurry sun is still right now”

I’d drop the coma (,) after “weeds” the line break is sufficient pause.

While I understand you’re trying keep stanzas of seven lines, it would be a major improvement to have more information about the person being talked about in the last stanza.

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September 26, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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23	M	Chicago, IL	November 19

Thanks for the suggestions.

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What rises quicker than Jesus Christ? The buildings?
“Artificial, pre-assembled houses
march single file in fad fashion,
saluting all things the same.”

How do the houses march? How do they salute? What makes them all the same or diiferent from the other houses? These are objects. They set in one place. If you move them you must say how.
I am tryng to picture this. It is not cohesive. Too many metaphors and not enough concretness to know what you are implying.
Tumbleweed is one word.
Empty bags and tumbleweeds are a nice comparison. I can see them blowing or being wind tossed but you lost me when you used the word “freeze.” Why do they freeze? I know this critique sounds harsh but it is surely not meant to be. I am wanting you to really examine what you are telling your reader.
Think of a piece starting from a building block. Unless all other blocks are in place it will tumble. You must make this more cohesive and comprehensive.  All words need ot have something in common.

Pending decisions aren’t decided,
and indecision kills determinism: This is a perfect correlation.

“It rises faster than Jesus Christ.
Artificial, pre-assembled houses” . This is a disjointed idea. What is “it”? You talk about the curb and then the stagnant black sea in between(is this the highway? and then the houses. Do you mean progress rises? subdivisions?
‘Wires crucify the murky sky.” This is a nice sentence but listen to what you have said: The wires hang the sky. Crucify also means bigotry.
So day navigates the blue sea to night. No it doesn’t. The sea stays right where it is. Navigates refers to charting a course. Do you see what i mean?
You need to go back and think about the scenes you are creating. Stay with the description of the city or the neoghborhood. Picture what you are writing about then find accurate words that paint a visual picture. Good luck, Respectfully, Sandi

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September 14, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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I do not appreciate your reviews at all, they are disjointed from what my words convey, and you have wasted my credits before. You seem to be planted firmly in literal interpretation and have no figurative or imaginative skills. You ramble off insensible observations of very clear and logical steps in my ideas. If something misses you by this far again, I beg that you do not offer up a review.

F.Y.I.

The sky rises faster than Jesus Christ, it took him 3 days. The sky rises every one.

Houses march in FAD FASHION- Have you not witnessed subdivisions or suburbs with houses of mirrored design? (cookie cut) They line the street, marching in the idea of conformity. So they salute that very concept! That’s how houses march and salute. Again, I’m sorry it isn’t so literal.

Plastic bags freeze like all things do in any one moment. This is why you can pause a video or watch action take place frame by frame. If you put these lines into context you will have no other choice but to realize that I am describing a single moment in time. (the sun is still) (past isn’t present and later isn’t either)

If you payed well deserved attention to punctuation you would realize that “It rises faster than Jesus Christ. and
Artificial, pre-assembled houses”. Are disjointed ideas because they have nothing to do with each other. “It rises faster than Jesus Christ” is the end of the previous sentences thought. As “Artificial, pre-assembled houses” is the beginning of the next.

Wires do hang the sky in one of the many perceptions you could have. This particular line is a commentary on industrialization and the deprecation of all things natural in our society.

During the day the sky is blue. The sky can appear to be a vast sea. Day is given by to us by the sun, and the sun charts it’s way across the sky to night. It’s very clear.

I think you need to go back and give the pieces you review A LOT more time. The world exists in more than superficiality and materialism, such does poetry.

Thank you.      

September 16, 2008

by oknapp

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46	F	Salem, IN	November 23

Joel i am sorry. You are probably right. Feel free to get your credits back. I wasn’t trying to mean or hurt yor feelings at all. I resent you saying that i don’t give these pieces time. This is totally not true. I spent alot of time on this. I have given you good reviews before. I know i have, So don’t go there. I always take time on my reviews. I try to give the best possible help. Thisis what i do and this is what i am educated for. Perhaps you are right, though i might look to deeply. Sorry, Sandi.

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“Curbs cut an outline that frame/the stagnant, black sea in-between.” – great imagery and a GREAT way to start the poem; it already has me hooked. However, this should either be “Curbs cut an outline that frames/the stagnant, black sea in-between.” or “Curbs cut outlines that frame/the stagnant, black sea in-between.” A subtle, but necessary change.

That was really the only correction I was able to find. I LOVED the imagery in your piece! It was all amazingly vivid and – what’s more – it was all original! A very enjoyable read. 10/10 for both criteria! (despite the slight correction)

Amazing imagry.I Love how you present the imagry. Though I prefer more flow, This was very good work. Keep it up

I really really like the poem.
I understand your point about the title: “paint what you like” implies a choice, a decision to be made, but in this case, you mainly deal with the incapacity to choose. So maybe “Stagnation”, which is the idea you express through all the poem, could be more appropriate as a title.
I find the first stanza very brilliant. It’s the only one referring to a painting though. That’s another reason why you should change the title I think.
Second stanza is very good. Time is passing: “Phony things ring; real ones cast”, there’s genius here! But last verse “and indecision kills determinism” is absolutely useless. Indecision is the opposite of determinism, so you really don’t need this line. With your imaginary, you can be much more creative about this point.
Third stanza I think is the weakest part of the poem. You say nothing different than the prevoius stanza. There’s not a real conclusion and you lose a bit of your style here. Rivise it and this poem will be in my favourites for sure.

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July 25, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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Awesome. Thank you so much for your kind time, I’ll consider your suggestions.  

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It in the fourth line disturbs me. I would rather have a reference to  something tangible, as it is written it doesn’t refer to anything but it just hangs…I like the personification of the prefab houses saluting, and also the plastic bag acrobats. This is a poem from a city dweller. I think capitalizing cherry rose- she’s the one in pigeontoed boots-would help. I had to reread that last stanza over to make sure I understood that she was a girl in the ghetto with dreams and promises blowing around.
It’s a nice poem. It would be better if the last stanza were cleaned up- I’d put a period after lose and begin the next line with She instead of she, and change So to and. Nice poem. Lovely similes and personification.

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July 25, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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Thanks for the suggestions!

September 07, 2008

by PenelopeMV

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58	F	Vacaville, CA	November 15

love your work

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I like this, from it I am getting a sense of seizing the moment, becoming an individual and making choices for yourself, choosing your own destiny. I did not really like the last line, I liked the idea of choices, but “play”, to me, doesn’t really fit and I feel you could find something better the choices could be doing, and maybe even a better way to describe a night sky, than just saying “the stars of the sky.”

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July 17, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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I believe you missed out on the broader, more spiritual message of this piece. Although, you were spot on with the beginning of your review. You may take it as you like, and I do appreciate your review.
Choices do play though, in an infinite amount of possibilities- such as the number of stars in the night sky.  

July 17, 2008

by richardangelo

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i know, it just seems like a lot of people use the stars to represent that idea, and the rest of your poem was original and in your own unique voice, it seems to me you can expand that idea (even if slightly) to encompass the same essence but while keeping the voice you established throughout the rest of the piece.

July 18, 2008

by Joel_Mitt

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Alright, man. I see where you’re coming from now. I’ll definitely be working with this. I’ll take your suggestions into consideration when I do. Thanks for your time.    

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Your choice of words is phenomenal. They beautifully illustrate this piece of poetry. Your work is always so original and captivating! I love it!

“It rises faster than Jesus Christ.”

That line alone was worth the price of admission! I loved how this was worded. I don’t hand out 10’s very often, but this piece is deserving. Nice work! :)