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Poetry / America The Unbeautiful (Analysis)
My summer soldier has frozen to death
The ice of winter has crystallized his breath
My sunshine patriot has sadly run away
The thunder rolls in and rain dampens my day
My faith has grown weary of my future to come
I’ve lost both my soldiers and now I’m ready to run
I’m stuck in this crisis and I’ve no clue what to do
I can no longer stand proud to the red white and blue
Every day is a struggle to get out of bed
In my dreams you’re all to clear in my head
In the presence of company I fake a smile
Trying to be coy, hold back tears for a while
My heart strings pull to play a song
And I try to pretend that nothings wrong
And as the burning tears begin to fall
I’ll hold my head high and I will stand tall
Ignorant America; fighting fire with fire
You both lost your lives in a war of which we tire
And as days begin to pass, I feel incomplete
I want to fight this crisis but I must admit defeat
My soldiers lay manically in a grave six feet under
And I’m left here defenseless to weep for their slumber
Vulnerable and empty; my boys gone away
I’ve run out of rhymes, and I’ve nothing left to say
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CarsonLeonhardt reviewed Version 1 -
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well i love it, very different and the unnatural structure adds to its uniqueness, i would love to review the 2nd version to see how you changed up the last couple lines, unfortunately i have no clue how to do, let me know?
keep writing!
Carson Leonhardt
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CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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Poetically, its alright. I’d like to see more structure to it. However, you developed your idea and emotions effectively, which was the best part, by far. On the subject, I am in the military myself, and find some of your ideas disagreeable. But alas, your sentiments towards this war and America/Americans is not up for the critiquing.
The poem could use a little work on its structure, maybe separate it into stanza’s, and keep a flowing and consistent rhyme theme.
sreed98 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very profound and well written about a terrible involvement America is in. Good job and keep up the good work.
JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 1 -
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That piece was incredibly depressing, because it was so damn realistic. I am a sort of ‘chaotic neutral’ when it comes to answering the question ‘am I an American?’ This poem tugged at my heart and reminded me why I am against the war as well as the idea of war in general despite the rational behind it in any case. I felt for the narrator and wants to pull them into my arms. This piece successfully shook an emotional response out of me the reader, and will likely stick with me a while.
JamDive reviewed Version 1 -
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It expresses your outrage over our national sins very well. There’s a few problem areas, such as:
My sunshine patriot has sadly run away
The thunder rolls in and rain dampens my day
Sunshine patriots are the ones who sneak home when things get rough. That is, they run away. You may want to slightly re-word that.
“In the presence of company I fake a smile
Trying to be coy, hold back tears for a while”
Coy usually has a flirtatious conotation, considera substiturte word.
“My soldiers lay manically in a grave six feet under”
Manically doesn’t work well here.
“My faith has grown weary of my future to come” is a little clumsy; recommend you re-work that as well.
It is unclear what parts are directed at America as a whole, and which are directed at the two soldiers (presumably the authors’ children?) A little more structure/focus would help bring this together into a more harmonious piece. It’s a bit wordy in spots; try to tighten it up a bit where you can. For example “I can no longer stand proud to the red white and blue” is a good thought, but might be better expressed as “I no longer feel pride in the red, white and blue.”
But I hate the war too, and that emotion was communicated very well. Best of luck!
NathanD91 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice piece. IT’s one of those that there are going to be people who love it and agree with it, and those that hate it and don’t agree. I myself agree. I understand.
“I want to fight this crisis but I must admit defeat
My soldiers lay manically in a grave six feet under”
This is probably one of the best lines I’ve read in poetry, and it’s one of my favorites in this poem. I really don’t see anything to say for you to change. I think it’s fine just the way it is.
But if anything I think You should take out the very last line. I kind of think there will be a better impact on people if you take it out. But it’s your choice.
Undone reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! What a powerful piece it definitely pulled at my heartstrings. This is a sad piece and my heart goes out to you if this is your expierience. I feel it is written wonderfully and you brought me in with the power. However I do feel the last line takes away from the rest of the poem. You could take that last line out or maybe add another last line just my opinion. I really liked it though. Peace be with you and good luck. I really think this piece should be published.
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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My main suggestion would be to focus on the meter/syllable count for each pair of rhyming lines. The meter is off throughout the poem, and this throws off the rhyme as well. I am also partial to punctuation. The last line of the piece has got to go! “I’ve run out of rhymes…” There has got to be something better that you could put in its place. The story/message is a good one, and it deserves a more fitting ending than what you currently have. I hope that this helps. :)
karrina reviewed Version 1 -
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This is truely beautiful. I’m sure many Americans can relate to this. I’d love to see this in a book. You had one error in spelling but besides that I could find nothing else to fault. Amazing work. Please keep writing. I’ll have my friends review this for you as I’m sure they will love this as well.
KRIS84 reviewed Version 1 -
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Beautiful peice…sry to hear of your losses.
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