The Village of the Last Ways
Dusk set early, bathing the deserted countryside in twilight. The dust-grey road and the lonely, wind-bitten meadows enclosing it became indistinct, seemed to merge. Here and there a crooked tree or foundling stood out – deep blue and unexpectedly sharp cut – against a sky lit by a surreal glow.
The hour of the elves, that was what her old nurse had used to call dusk. Latinivé could hear the echo of her voice inside her head – drowsy and monotone, and yet strangely soothing. The hour when elves crept out of their caves and swamps, longing for victims, misleading tired travellers and finally killing them… The hour of demons and devils. The hour of the cursed ones and those to be cursed.
Just take care, my little lamb. You are a strong one, you will see, nothing will happen to you…. Just don’t stay outside and don’t let the elves take you.
The once soothing voice seemed to mock Latinivé. The elves had taken her – her home, her family, and finally the truth she had been raised to believe. Taking away the certainty she had been used to was perhaps their biggest crime. Maybe it had all been a lie, but it had been a comforting one. Knowing the truth was a cheap exchange for comfort of doubtlessness.
Zedonée, Blessed One, I have gone so far from what I used to be…
The taste of blood on her tongue brought her back into reality, a cold, damp and gloomy reality. Latinivé realize she had bitten her lip, whether out of anger or to suppress the tears, she did not know. Furiously she shook her head, as if she could drive away those unbidden thoughts by doing so. At the same time she was aware it was only her anger giving her the strength to walk on.
Fenris shot her a peculiar glance and for a moment Latinivé was sure he would say something. But then he averted his eyes and walked on.
Neither of them had spoken more than a few words since their argument in the morning. Absorbed in their own gloomy thoughts both of them trotted along, only exchanging a few words and even fewer glances.
The silence became unnerving.
With the dwindling light a soft drizzle started, dampening their clothes and hair, making it cling to their bodies. The road which had already been poor before the rain had started turned into a puddle of mud. After only a few steps Fenris and Latinivé both were completely soaked and covered in mud. The promise of yet another chilly autumn night spent on the wet ground, without a fire and in soaked clothes, did not help to lighten up their spirits.
The rain poured down now and darkness had long swallowed them. Latinivé did not know how long they had trotted along like this – rather stumbling than walking, their eyes half closed, silent. It might have been hours, a whole night. She was only vaguely aware of Fenris, walking ahead of her, in safe distance. It was hard enough to concentrate to keep in track and not too loose the road, but walking now came automatically to her, even as fatigue tried to take over. One step, followed by another, and another. Her thoughts trailed off…
Out of a sudden, Fenris stopped dead and Latinivé almost bumped into him. It might have been still early in the night or even close to morning – she could not tell, she had long lost track of the hours.
At first Latinivé did not realize the cause for this interruption. A noise, strange yet familiar, was added to the well known sounds of the night. Then she followed Fenris’ gaze and she, too, saw the lights glowing not so far away in the darkness.
It was a village.
In a not-so-distant past, Latinivé would not have given this place a second thought, now its very view released a warm feeling inside her stomach. It had been too long since she had last seen a normal village inhabited by humans.
“There are villages, here, so far behind the Wall?”
It felt awkward to break the silence, but Fenris only smirked at her. “It is only for you the wrong side of the wall” For a moment his face tightened before he relaxed again. He eyed his sword hilt and shrugged. “It is called Village of the Last Ways, by our people, and is in fact the last village this close to the Wall. It was built by your people, but it is far away from your country… now it doesn’t belong to either… but at least you should be welcome in there”
Latinivé was not sure what to make of his last remark
“Why did I never hear of it before?”
Fenris only glanced at her. “We’d better get there before dawn…”
Slowly drawing closer, they got a better view of the village. It was situated in the place where the road they were travelling on joined another. A few crooked, thatched houses and rickety barns cowered in a small sink, fenced in by scrub. Poverty seemed to be the most common visitor. Yet, through the distance, she recognized the sounds of rough singing, laughing. Bright, tall bonfires had been set up on a clearing outside the village, sparks dancing through the air like fireflies. In the flames men-like schemes were burning, their silhouettes distorted by flames and smoke, and yet still human enough to send shivers down Latinivé’s spine.
Still shuddering, she averted her eyes from the Koori-dolls burning in the flames. Those tall straw dolls created to portray men and demons had always scared her, as a child, and even now she still did not enjoy the celebrations held to honour Innyr, the blind god.
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This 116 word review has not been unlocked.
From a spelling punctuation and grammar point of view this was an extremely competent translation. There were a few examples of sentences where the words were in a slightly strange order, but since I’m late reviewing this, I’m sure these will have been picked up by other reviewers so I won’t waste your credits.
Story wise, this is a fairly short excerpt, but even so there wasn’t much going on until the very end. You need to add more action in here to give your writing a point. You have managed to get some backstory and description of settings in here, and have done so subtly and with some skill, but you need to progress the story on more at the same time, either through action or dialogue. The only actions for the most part were of them moving down a road, and the manner in which they were moving seemed a little inconsistent – they walked, then trotted (which in my mind is along the same lines as jogging), then they were stumbling, then trotting again, and then towards the end they were back to walking. These inconsistencies, along with the lack of any other action until the very end, left this as a bit of a nothing chapter. Every word should work hard for the story (either developing plot or characters) and this didn’t seem to be. It reminds me of writing I do when I’m not really sure what to write and I’m waffling until I get a good idea.
The remedy this is simple – make more happen! The actions you add in needn’t be hugely eventful, but they could vary it a little and provide a bit more interest, or even tell us something more about the characters. L could trip up due to extreme tiredness and cut her knee, and F could carry on walking as if he didn’t notice, then eventually stop and turn but not help her thereby showing her weakness and his dismissive manner towards her. These sorts of small events will enrich your writing and the characters and provide more interest for the reader.
Good luck.
This 64 word review has not been unlocked.
The dust-grey road and the lonely, wind-bitten meadows enclosing it became indistinct, seemed to merge.
I don’t think seemed to merge should be here… it sounds ackward
Its a litlle choppy, You say this, plus this, and this in one sentance.
Sorry I don’t have example but I couldn’t find it a second time.
besides teh flow it was good
The only corrections I can advise are:
“The dust-gray road and the lonely, wind-bitten meadows enclosing it became indistinct, seemed to merge”
became indistinct – I didn’t feel these words worked in this sentence. The sentence works better if you took them out.
“It was hard enough to concentrate to keep in track and not too loose the road, but walking now came”
to keep in track – doesn’t seem to fit, how about if you took them out…
It was hard enough to concentrate not too loose ..
“Out of a sudden, Fenris stopped dead and Latinivé almost bumped into him”
Did you mean – All of a sudden?
Overall – Nice work
So this is a translation? From which language? It is quite evocative and well-paced. Your use of language, rough in places, is very nice overall, very gritty and tactile. You create a good sense of place as well as appeal to the senses with the rain and the dark night and the cold. I would read more.
Nitpicking list:
page 1—dusk is the darkness as the sun sets so it doesn’t actully “set” itself and it would actually steal away the twilight. But the setting sun, on the other hand, makes your introductory statement correct but a little cliche.
“dust-grey” doesn’t need a hyphen.
”...a crooked tree or foundling stood out…” how is “foundling” used here? Orphaned or abandoned child? If so, the image doesn’t make sense. If not, well, I don’t know.
The biggest problem you seem to be having here is with punctuation rather than words, particularly in incorrect usage of ellipsis. For instance, “killing them…” delete the ellipsis and just use a period.
page 2—”...dampening their clothes and hair, making it cling to their bodies…” “it” hair? Are their bodies hairy?
page 4—”...In the flames men-like schemes were burning…” “schemes”? This doesn’t make sense.
You’ve managed to create a dark and gloomy atmosphere, but I was wondering where did you get your inspiration from. I recognize a few things from the Celtic culture, and some things look like they were taken from games like Diablo or Warcraft.
Please continue your story as soon as you can, because it’s starting to become interesting. As a final note, I think the passage from the dark atmosphere to the bonfires is a little bit abrupt, the story might get better if you come up with something to fill that gap.
All the best!
This was a little hard to critique because I don’t have any idea what part of the story it is, other than it’s not the beginning and it’s a very short piece. What I read it seemed interesting. I liked that elves were evil creatures that snatched people. It’s a different take on elves than I usually see, so it’s refreshing.
“Dusk set early, bathing the deserted countryside in twilight.” Dusk and twilight have the same meaning.
“seemed to merge.” seeming
“for comfort” for the comfort
“Fenris shot her” This is a jarring surprise. It seems like Latinive is alone and then Fenris appears out of thin air. I would at least mention that he’s there earlier on, unless you’ve already mentioned it in an earlier chapter.
“too loose” to lose
“but walking now came automatically” I would rephrase this. Walking automatic to all of us unless we are just learning to walk. Maybe ‘ something like walking in this sleep-walk state’ or ‘walking half asleep.’
“Out of a sudden” All of a sudden. I would delete this phrase. It warns the reader something is about to happen. Let it be a surprise.
“It is called Village” It’s called the Village
“by our people, … It was built by your people” Which is it, ‘our people’ or ‘your people?’ Do Latinive and Fenris have the same people?
I liked it I really did. There was a couple problems I noticed that are listed below, but it is good. I will look for more.
wind-bitten meadows enclosing it became indistinct, seemed to merge.
This last part seems odd. It reads incorectly.
The taste of blood on her tongue brought her back into reality, a cold, damp and gloomy reality.
Try this : The taste of blood on her tongue brought her back into a cold, damp and gloomy reality.
The two realitys don’t sound well in the smae sentance, to repedative.
OK the good first. You are very intune with the characters feelings and you have a distinctive fragmented writing style which can be very good. Also your use of description and emotion is nice. Good job and I would say you definitely have talent.
OK some critique. A little too fragmented in your thoughts has caused me as a reader to get lost and question what is happening. I feel you need to give a clearer setting as to what is happening and not so much on the character’s emotions. The emotions are good but not at the expense of confusing a reader. I understand the setting would have already been set but tell me what is happening then what the character is feeling. Hopefully you understand what I’m saying. Overall good job. Keep working on it.
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