Ah…sorry you didn’t like it. Not sure many of my dreams ever really end so it is difficult to be very dramatic or have an exciting ending.
Thanks for the read though.
Poetry / An Oneiroi (Analysis)
In the mist of my waking
wafting about the edge of my vision,
I drift towards the cloud that is my memory
to the figure wrapped within.
Willing myself back into the night
I tumble ever deeper,
to reach what is not there.
Silently I slip softly alongside and
gently caress the mystery of her.
Breath ever faster
I strain to see her through the haze.
The almost touch, sensing the fragrance,
the white satin snugged
to reveal the gentle curves beneath
My loin cries out in anticipation
Clear now; white on white, satin on satin.
Cobalt hair scattered on her pillow
Back arched and breasts poised beckoning
Hips pound to take my manhood until dimming,
satin turns to darkness and white to black.
Beauty fades to sameness,
fragrance gone.
Only the dream catchers memory remains.
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Brian reviewed Version 3 -
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Loved the alliteration “Silently I slip softly alongside….” All the ‘S’ noises make me think of whispers, and snakes (i.e. temptation, like in the Garden of Eden). I love the line “Beauty fades to sameness…” awesome image for the waking moments.
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ScorpionHunter reviewed Version 3 -
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Boring and anticlimactic overall—but I really liked and deeply appreciated the use of alliteration.
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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Bravo. If you have ever read anything of mine then you would understand why i like this so much. It has some of the same elements of description i use, only i think it is done much better. Blue Eyes and Willow are both very good poets.
This poem is full of passion. The scenes are well drawn and are very tasteful. The fourth stanza is wonderfully realistic. Reading it is akin to watching a white hot flame slowly flicker and die; first passionate and then spent. I love the haunting mystery and how she fades. This is definitely one of my favorites. You could publish this. I can’t find fault with it, sorry. It’s best not to mess with perfection don’t you think? Respectfully, Sandi
ElFaught reviewed Version 3 -
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Thank you for giving me to opportunity to review your work. It’s an honor.
In the second line of the first stanza, you use the word phrase “In the mist of my waking”. Did you intend to use the word “mist” or “midst”?
That’s a very creative use of the word “wafting”. Usually, when someone is wafting, the first thing I think of is when someone is wafting their fart. ;-) hahaha OK Back to being serious.
When you use the line, “I drift towards the cloud that is my memory” did you consider using another word for “cloud”? It tends to be way over used. How about haze or mist? You may want to tweek that line a little as well. I think that it needs to flow a little better. Kind of like, “I drift toward the cloud representing my memory.”
Your poem is very abstract. It’s the Van Gogh approach to literature. You experience the emotions of that which feels like reality, but you know, all along, it’s not attainable.
In the fourth line of the second stanza, you wrote, “Silently I slip softly alongside…”. You have to be careful of the over use of adverbs. I feel that you need to reduce “silently” and “softly” to using only one adverb. Instead of “Silently I slip softly alongside…”, you could write, “Silently I slip alongside…” or “I slip silently alongside…” or “Softly I slip alongside…” or “I slip softly alongside…”. Do you see what I mean? I feel that it flows better. But, if I were all that, I would have written a book and been rich by now. Right? So, please know that all of this is just in my own humble opinion.
In the fourth line of the third stanza, you wrote, “the white satin snugged”. You might want to change that so it demands more of a mental image. Like, “The white satin snuggly clad”. It’s just an idea.
In the first line of the fourth stanza, you wrote, “My loin cries out in anticipation”. Did you consider the use of another word for “cries”? maybe “yearn”? Also, in the third line of the same stanza, you wrote, “Cobalt hair scattered on her pillow”. Can you please explain the cobalt hair? Maybe it’s for the imagery effect.
All in all, you did pretty good. You had a good use of imagery. Thank you, once again, for allowing me to review your piece. I appreciate the opportunity. Take care and God bless you.
KRIS84 reviewed Version 3 -
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Wonderful use of words and vision…Too bad it was a dream, eh?
JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 3 -
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“My loin cries out in anticipation”
I loved this except for this line. I would say ‘my loins cry out in anticipation.’
gbryananderson reviewed Version 3 -
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A wonderful original title for a poem. Is “an” necessary since Oneiroi is a noun for the boys? Well constructed stanzas and lines. Will look good on printed page.
Silently I slip softly alongside : nice allitration, but does it border on cliche’?
I’m not sure of the blue hair (cobalt)
Hips pound… intercourse?
Just not sure how this involves Oneiroi. Is the whole thing a dream. It is hard to determine if the narrator is male or female.
Of course you could get this published in an anthology.
Clarity is poor.
poetry overall is middle. You did great with line and stanza constructs.
Theme and subject are unclear, except it is a dream. Also remember OneIroi are twins, so maybe if you stuck a double entrendre in there it would help. For example” the white satin snugged with a reference to white satin, sung by what group? damn can’t think of the group.
Blessings, Gbryan. And, forgive my grammar.
Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 3 -
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WONDERFUL use of imagry, but with out the first note, about what inspired this poem unless the reader is well versed in greek mytholgy, they wouldn’t understand .. well done
sadpoet reviewed Version 3 -
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In the mist of my waking…maybe awakening is a better suited word as we are about to embark upon a journey of some kind.
I drift towards the cloud that is my memory…I drift amongst sounds better as you are discovering the figure wrapped within. It sounds and feels so much more dramatic and visual. If you added color and vision it would create a magnificent scene for a magnificent story.
to reach what is not there…What about to reach for what is not there.
Consider the descriptive part of “her”, draw me in to her and make me feel her heart’s passion. Let me smell your desire to know her. Use the senses and draw me in with you; into this dream!
Breath ever faster…heavier
I strain to see her through the haze.
The almost touch, sensing the fragrance,
the white satin snugged
to reveal the gentle curves beneath…you’re almost there…I want to see more, feel more, smell more, unravel what she is!
My loin cries out in anticipation…brilliant!
Clear now; white on white, satin on satin…visual!
Cobalt hair scattered on her pillow…I see the illumination of the colbalt, a powerful color!
Back arched and breasts poised beckoning…excellent!
Please let me know when and if you revise, it is a very beautiful and magical piece! I can imagine! Thank you for the opportunity!
Shelby reviewed Version 3 -
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Many of the lines in this poem bring me to that “place” somewhere between a dream and what once was. “Willing myself back into the night” is an extremely strong line, universal I think, to all of us who have fought to stay in that “place”. “The almost touch” is also a wonderful line describing how “real” a dream can feel. The poem is sensual in more than one way, by both making you feel you are there and feeling the memory as well.
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