Poetry / If I Were (Analysis)

Loved it. The theme you used and the repetition in your pattern and style made it as good as it was. I like the unique viewpoint you take on each thing, each time emphasizing that you want to be free. Your writing flowed nicely and your words were beautiful.

This poem possesses a really cool positive energy. I really like it. The last 4 lines are my favorite. I can’t wait to read more of your work.  

I like this writing and the imagination in it. It interests me from the first, but I am a bit disappointed by the last line as the imagination suddenly stops and disappears.

“unsure of what I will become”

this last line should be a conclusion from all the imagination you have listed or imagined above it, or to push the imagination further above all, but it seems does not follow the path of the imagination in this poem.

If I were you, I would end the poem in this way,

“And if I were a girl
I should sit quietly
...

Dreaming, always dreaming
myself in other places
myself as other beings
like the flower in the meadow
like the rose in the snow.”

I hope this will help. Thanks.

I think this is good.  However, this line doesn’t seem to fit with the flow or the imagery of the other lines:

careful not to fly to close to the sun
lest my wings should melt and I perish

In your lines about other beings, there is nothing about caution mentioned. You could revise this to match the other lines, or revise the other lines to match this one.  Like the stallion could be snorting the air to smell the scent of predators or something like that.  Also, this line is more mythical than the others, as there is no way a bird can fly too close to the sun.

I liked how you joined it altogether with the last 2 stanzas:

And if I were a girl
I should sit quietly
and remember the times
when I was not myself

Dreaming, always dreaming
myself in other places
myself as other beings
unsure of what I will become

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July 09, 2008

by Valiantdie1z

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
23	76.9% (13 votes)	36.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	F	Santa Rosa, CA	February 02

Hi, thanks for the review. Those two lines you mentioned weren’t actually about birds. I was thinking about the story in Greek mythology (?) where the boy and his father are prisoners and make wings to fly away with. But he warns his son not to fly too close to the sun or the wax that holds the wings together will melt. The son disobeys and falls to his death. Does this make more sense knowing that now?

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I like your poetry.

It is a nice twist that you put the animals in action and you will sit quietly as a girl.

Maybe you can build this piece and write something about your soul searching.

im not sure what you’re looking for or what your writing experience is, but
this piece is pretty basic. not quite cliché, but close since none of the images
break outside the mold they’re cast in. birds fly, horses run, dolphins swim, etc.
the ‘if i were a girl’ part was surprising and opens up a several other possibilities – the last two stanzas could probably even stand on their own as
its own poem. but the rest suggests that you are a very youthful writer just
beginning to explore the poetic genre.

I liked this poem. very descriptive

I like the way that this progresses through the different images of the animals. It flows really well, and everything fits together very smoothly. The last two lines of stanza 2 come across as a bit cliche, but they fit into the rest of the poem and I wouldn’t change them. You should definitely turn this into your fair. :)

I love this!

It has grace,beauty, and all the touches of wonder I want to embrace. I love your wording and imagery within this poem it is fantastic! One suggestion though leave out the “And” in the second paragraph to do with the stallion and it’ll be great.

Overall 10 out of 10

I’m glad I read this.

Amy

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July 07, 2008

by Valiantdie1z

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
23	76.9% (13 votes)	36.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
21	F	Santa Rosa, CA	February 02

Hi! Thanks so much for review. Do you think I should leave out all the “and” in the stanzas or just that particular one?

July 07, 2008

by AmyWalker

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528	75.2% (165 votes)	38.3%

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23	F	Saint Helena	November 09

All of them actually…it reads off more freely and open to new horizons… but it’s your choice really… but I think your poem is definitely beautifu I love it!

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