uh…it’s fantasy. There are very few things in it that aren’t impossible.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Slayer's Heart: Escape and Farewell (Analysis)
Sufoh was taken, immediately, to Lord Jayis’s dungeon in the cellar of his palace. He couldn’t be locked in an ordinary prison. With his skill and a little determination—which he now had—no ordinary prison would hold him for more than the length of time it would take him to make up his mind to escape. Lord Jayis’ dungeon was at least guarded by the most elite forces in the tribe—with the exception of Sufoh. Most would believe him to be powerless at this point, however. Not only were his hands tied behind his back, but a shackle and chain on his right leg also bound him to the wall.
He sat in a cold dusty cell. The air was frigid and the smell of rusting, wet metal lingered in the air. Sufoh didn’t complain. He sat quietly while everyone prepared for his trial the next day, where the remaining Macari lords would sentence him to death and stone him immediately. It was a fitting end to the life of this merciless killer, and though Sufoh accepted it, he had no choice but to avoid it. There was no one in the world that could defeat those demons but him, and he knew it. That was why, as he sat in the dark, dank prison, he plotted his escape.
”Sufoh.” Kidja’s voice sounded in the hollow echo of the dungeon. Sufoh watched her squeeze though the barred window and leap to the floor. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. We have to get you out of there.”
Sufoh stood. “Kidja, you are forbidden to see me. How did you get in here?”
”I’m an assassin,” Kidja said as she tried to break the enormous lock on the cell door with a rock, “getting in here was easy. Now, all we have to do to get out is—”
”You are not an assassin,” said Sufoh, “and I am afraid it will not be that easy. Meet me outside of the Forbidden Forest in the northern part of the village and bring Eana with you. Lord Jayis’s officials think I stole my new sword from him and I have no doubt that it is in his armory on the palace’s third level. I will retrieve it and make my way to you by early sunset. Now go, there is not much time.”
Kidja ran off and Sufoh touched the chain that bound him to the wall.
”Every chain has its weak link,” he told himself. He soon found that chain’s weak link, and with one hard jerk, he snapped it. The ropes that held his hands together would have to remain until he found a way to cut them.
Sufoh turned his back to the cell bars and wrapped his fingers around them. Slowly, he pushed himself up the numbingly cold bars with his feet and climbed up to the top of the cell where a large piece of the ceiling was broken. He crawled out of the hole and slowly made his way to the other side of the room, walked silently up the stairs and peeked through a knothole in the wooden door. There was only one guard standing outside of the door. He was staring down the long hallway, toward what Sufoh believed to be the only way in or out of the area, leaving himself completely open to an attack from behind. The guard had never even considered this fact, as there was no way that the prisoner could scale the cell wall—or so he thought.
It seems I am blessed with good fortune today. Killing one guard without the use of my hands should be easy.
Sufoh kicked the door and the guard drew his blade. He had taken the bait easily enough. The second he stuck his head in the door, in search of where the sound was coming from, Sufoh kicked the door against the guard’s neck, entrapping him between the heavy door and the doorway. He held the door in place with his right foot, and before the man could shake his panic and call for help, Sufoh jumped up and kicked the guard’s head with his other foot, snapping his neck. The dead guard dropped to the floor and Sufoh stepped over him, out of the dungeon, and pulled his sword from his belt.
”Well the easy part is done,” he thought aloud. “Now to cut these ropes.” As Sufoh readied himself to complete the task, the sound of footsteps caught his ear. They were heavier and slower than Kidja’s. Of all times to escape, he had done it during a shift change.
The second guard was a lot bigger than the first, and he carried two swords on his belt. The second he laid eyes on Sufoh, he drew both his swords. He is a courageous one.
Sufoh continued to try to cut the ropes as the guard drew closer, but he knew he would not get it done in time.
This is not working. It looks like I will have to take care of this one first.
Sufoh stopped trying to cut the ropes and faced the guard as he swung his swords. He kicked the hand that held the first sword, sending it into the air, as he sidestepped the second and bit into the guard’s arm. He then yanked the guard forward with his teeth, positioning him right under the airborne sword before it came down and staked itself in the man’s head. The guard’s face went blank as his corpse hit the floor.
When he was sure the guard was dead, Sufoh picked up his clean sword and used it to saw through the ropes on his hands.
”Much better,” he said, rubbing his sore wrists. He then took the keys from the dead guard’s belt and unlocked the shackle on his ankle. “Now to get to that third level. Things should go smoother if I do not make my presence known.”
Sufoh took a sheath from the corpse and slipped it into his belt before making his way down the hallway. He put his back to the wall and peered around the corner. There were two guards patrolling the hall. Apparently, they did not want to take any chances on me escaping.
They were armed only with spears. Sufoh walked quietly to the end of the hall and grabbed one guard while the other had his back turned, cutting his throat. By the time the second guard realized what was happening, Sufoh was already standing behind him. He cut the second guard’s throat and proceeded to the end of the hall. In the middle of the next corridor was a staircase that led to the second level. It was guarded by two men with giant wolves sitting beside each of them. One of the wolves began to sniff the air. The second did the same and the two guards readied their weapons.
”I smell blood,” said one of the wolves. “Slayer has escaped.”
”Alright,” said one guard to the other, “you go alert the others. We’ll stop him right here.”
Sufoh shrugged and drew his sword. “So much for not making my presence known.”
As Sufoh stepped out of hiding, into full view, a wolf pounced at him. He sidestepped and tore into its ribs with his blade. The animal howled in anguish and Sufoh jumped up to the side of the wall to avoid the oncoming attack of the guard, then rebounded from the wall and, as he came down, sliced the man in half, down the middle.
Sufoh yanked his blade from the body and flung the blood from it, each drop pattered on the floor like a dozen tiny whips. He sheathed his sword, but soon after, he heard the light sound of wolf paws padding behind him. He turned to cut the wolf and his sword was caught in its teeth with a vibrating clang.
”It’s me,” mumbled Jorah, letting go of Sufoh’s sword.
”Jorah,” said Sufoh, surprised, “how did you get past the palace guards?”
Jorah lowered his head. “Apparently, the same way you did. Now get on.”
Sufoh jumped on Jorah’s back and he ran up the stairs to the second level. There was a small militia of guards and wolves, waiting for them. Most of the humans quivered at the sight of Sufoh, and Jorah had the exact affect on the wolves. It wasn’t hard to tell that they weren’t going to attack unless they had to.
”How many?” asked Jorah.
Sufoh took a quick look at all of them, counting. “Thirty. Twenty men, ten wolves.”
”Thirty against two,” said Jorah. “Those are bad odds.”
”True,” replied Sufoh, “but you can not blame them for trying. Things seem pretty even, how about I take the men and you take the wolves.”
”No way,” Jorah declined. “Those men look like they’re ready to run away crying. Why do I have to take on ten wolves? We both know wolves are many times stronger than a human.”
”Jorah, you are at least ten times as strong as the strongest wolf,” Sufoh argued. “It is ideal for both of us. I am the tribe’s strongest warrior and you are our tribe’s strongest wolf. I will take the twenty warriors and you take the ten wolves.”
”I’m fighting half as many as you are. Are you saying that you can take more warriors than I can wolves?”
”Okay, okay,” Sufoh said. “I will take ten humans and five wolves and you will the same.”
”That’s better,” the wolf finally settled, “let’s get this over with.”
Sufoh and Jorah rushed in at the group of fighters. Aright cowards, which one of you will attack first?
Sufoh picked up enough speed to run on the wall until someone threw a sword at him. He caught the weapon in one hand and sprang upward from the wall, twisting when he hit the ground, instantly killing five of the men and creating some fighting space for himself. Someone tried to cut Sufoh from behind, but he put his sword behind his back to block. He kicked the man in front of him and turned around, decapitating his first attacker and taking his sword and jamming it upward through the head of an attacking wolf.
He jumped from the chest of another soldier—after stabbing him through the heart—onto the back of a wolf and stuck his sword straight into its head. He rolled off of the wolf’s back and sliced straight into another man’s chest, spraying his blood onto Sufoh’s body.
”Hey!” Jorah barked. “That was one of mine.”
”Sorry,” Sufoh yelled back. A soldier tried to thrust his sword at him and he dodged it, impaled his stomach, and threw him to Jorah. “Here, take this one.” Jorah caught the poor soul in his mouth and crushed his body in his jaws.
Sufoh ran right into the open mouth of a wolf and planted his foot on its lower jaw, pushing down to snap the hinge. He cut into the wolf’s head and let it drop to the floor then continued running until one man tried to sidestep his attack. He spun around cutting off his head in one smooth motion. Sufoh then continued running until a wolf tried to jump on top of him. He dropped to the floor and slid on the blood that soaked the tile with his sword pointing upward, cutting into the wolf, leaving a trail of blood and organs falling from its body. While still moving, Sufoh got to his feet and found himself faced with the fangs of his fifth wolf. He propelled his sword into its throat and jumped over it. The second he landed, the sword came through the other end of the wolf and he caught it just in time to drive it through the face of the final human.
Sufoh again flung the blood from his blade as Jorah finished of the last of his enemies. When Jorah was done, the two took a look down the hall. The door to the third level was unguarded.
”They’re making this too easy for us,” said Jorah.
”Maybe so,” replied Sufoh, “but if we go through that door, I would not doubt that every soldier and wolf that remains will be ready to fight us.” He pointed his sword toward the window on his far left. “We will make better timing if I climb out of this window and up to the third level. It should lead me straight into the armory.”
”What am I supposed to do?” asked Jorah.
Sufoh jumped onto the window ledge. “Find a way to entertain yourself until I get back. Perhaps you could run around the courtyard or something.”
Sufoh climbed out of the window, grabbed onto a loose brick and started on his way up. As he climbed up to the window of the armory, he could see and hear the wolves and their masters congregating at the bottom of the building like a colony of colorful ants.
It looks like word of my escape is spreading fast. After I get my weapon, I will have to find a way to get past all of them if I want to meet Kidja in time and get away without being followed or having to fight my entire tribe.
Sufoh finally reached the window he was searching for and climbed though. The armory was a small room filled with shelves, which were covered mostly with swords, some given to Lord Jayis and some that he had won in battles. In the middle of the very bottom shelf on the far wall was Arza. He tossed the sword he’d borrowed from the slain guard aside and sheathed Arza, then made his way to the door on the far end of the room. He could hear the voices and footsteps of the guards outside, waiting for him to come out. Opening the door wouldn’t be wise if he planned on getting out of the palace without being followed or killing anyone else.
Instead, Sufoh unsheathed Arza and jumped out of the window. He jammed the sword into the wall on the outside, and hung from the building.
He pulled it out and let himself fall a short distance, then jammed the sword into the wall again. So far, the soldiers at the foot of the palace didn’t appear to have noticed. Sufoh looked down and saw that there was a balcony beneath him. He dropped to the balcony and ran into the palace. He was now in Lord Jayis’s training room. He took a few seconds to reminisce on his fight with the demon lord, but he tried to stay focused on the task at hand. There was another window on the other side of the room. At the bottom of that window was the courtyard. It wasn’t likely that there would be any guards there since the only people that ever went there were Lord Jayis and his courtiers.
Sufoh ran to the window and dove out. His hair and clothes rippled wildly against the resisting wind as he freefell from the palace. Sufoh mustered his strength and twisted his body, slicing though the wind and power diving, headfirst, toward the rapidly approaching ground. When he was at what he felt was a good distance from the ground, he flipped himself over, turning his body upright momentarily, and stuck the tip of Arza into the palace wall. A storm of sparks erupted from the blade of the enchanted sword as it was buried deeper into the wall with each cubit that Sufoh fell. Steadily, the descent began to slow and Sufoh came to a stop, only inches from the ground, just as Jorah stopped right next to him.
Jorah lowered his head, fixing his eyes on Sufoh. “You know, you could have just told me to meet you in the courtyard. It feels like I’ve been running forever.”
”I know,” said Sufoh, “but then you would have fallen asleep. Now let us go meet Eana and Kidja. It is almost dusk.”
Sufoh and Jorah reached Kidja and Eana at the edge of the Forbidden Forest just as the sun was beginning to set. Jorah stopped running so that Sufoh could dismount.
”Why did you want to meet us here?” Eana questioned, immediately.
”I just wanted to bid you both, farewell,” said Sufoh.
”Farewell…” she paused, stunned. “You’re going to leave the village?”
”Why, Sufoh?” Kidja whimpered, her eyes already full of tears. “Why are you going to leave?”
Sufoh knelt down before his sister and wiped her tears. “Please, do not cry, Kidja. Lord Jayis has been murdered by my hand. When word gets to the rest of the tribe, there will no longer be a place for me here.”
”That’s not true,” Eana said, making an effort not to cry, so as not to upset Kidja even more. “There is always a place for you here. You can’t leave because you killed Lord Jayis. We will tell the other lords what has happened. They will understand.”
Sufoh shook his head. “They will not, and that is not the only reason I am leaving. My murdering Jayis has freed the Zorbrians. I have to find them before they can do any damage to our world.”
Kidja stumbled into Sufoh’s arms, sobbing and crying, her tiny voice despairing the whole forest with her sorrow. Sufoh’s leaving was as hard for her as it was for Sufoh himself. Since Kidja was only an infant when their parents died, Sufoh was all she had. He held his sister tight, wishing never to let her go. But he did. He had no choice.
”Listen to me, Kidja,” Sufoh said to Kidja with the power and sincerity she knew she could trust him for. “I promised you that, no matter what happens, I will stay alive, and that is a promise I will to keep. I will return to you, but until I do, I need you to be strong. Let nothing hold you back and never give up. Fight until your body can draw no more breath, and beyond that, if necessary. Now dry your tears, and shed no more for me, Sister.”
Kidja wiped her tears away with her sleeve and looked into her brother’s eyes, summoning all the strength and all courage she could from them. “I will, Sufoh. I promise I will.”
”I know you will.”
After one final embrace, Sufoh took Jorah and strode reluctantly, but boldly into the Forbidden Forest, leaving and Kidja and Eana in his past, as he pulled away from his home.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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The story frequently changes tense between past and present. I would decide on which you would like, then do a newer draft of the whole story just fixing the tense. Then you know you’ve got that right.
The description of Sufoh dispatching the guards is implausible. He wouldn’t be stood behind the second guard if the first had noticed him. Or if it is possible it needs rewriting to clear it up.
Having a talking wolf is interesting, but he needed more character. What kind of accent did he have? What kind of life has he lived? Flesh him out more.
A grammar check will pick up errors, particularly during the discussion of taking out wolves.
The characters are so blas’e about killing the wolves, so casual, that no tension is built for the reader. We want to see the characters being challenged.
What kind of sword can be jammed into a brick wall and have a 70kg human hanging off it? Wat s the wall made of? This is the story’s biggest implausibility.
I’ve read a lot of fantasy stories on here. This has potential but isn’t going to stand out without major changes.
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zeldatroy16 reviewed Version 1 -
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hmm its very good but i think some to the thing this guy can do are impossable to do also the setting is a little vauge i think if u do get this book publish that u sould incould some type of map
EvadBelBurgh reviewed Version 1 -
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Your ideas are pretty good, I have to admit, and the piece could have been amazing, but I have to tell you that I got no emotion at all from Sufoh. He was a very one-dimensional character in the piece (in my opinion), and hardly ever reacted in any way that showed us what was going on internally. And everything also seemed so easy for him. :-( If it was so incredibly easy for him to eascape, how on earth did he get captured in the first place?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that Sufoh doesn’t have enough humanity in him for us to identify with. Once again, this is my opinion. :-)
I would put in a lot more of what’s going on inside of him; we need to be able to put ourselves in his shoes and see through his eyes to believe in him as a character, and as it stands now, Sufoh is black and white, not colourful.
All my opinion. :-)
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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I have always been a big fan of science fiction and fantasy stories and I was not disappointed by this tale. It is well written with just enough dialogue to keep me interested in the characters. You paint a rich landscape with your words, presenting a nice background for your characters to stand out against. Technically, there were a couple of areas where the punctuation seemed a little off, and a few spots where things could have been worded a bit better, but they were not enough to detract from the story at all. Overall I found this to be an intriguing story and I hope to have the opportunity to read past as well as future chapters of this saga. Nice work. :)
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