Non-fiction / Beautifully Broken Part 17
Every step I took left me with two options. 1: I could turn around and go home before 12:30am and go to bed or 2: I can meet Nathan, bring him back to my place and tell him I love him. My feet chose option two. Each step put more and more strain on my stomach. The first night was easy; it was only my mother at home. But this time was a different story. This time my father was home. My father was a former Navy man. He has a nose like a trained police dog and knows if something is not right in our household. I was scared like you wouldn’t even know. But I had come this far. My heart was racing as I reached the park. I was early. Anticipation was killing me. Every second felt equal to an hour. The wait felt unbearable. I couldn’t turn back now.
I waited. I started walking further hoping maybe we’d meet halfway. I waited at the top of the hill, and then walked back down. The dark was making me nervous. My palms were sweating. So I tried wiping them on my hoodie. Flashbacks of the last rendezvous entered my mind and suddenly I feared the “night monsters”. I decided to just sit on the sidewalk where he told me to wait. I felt awkward sitting there. I was surprised it wasn’t cold. I tried to look out in the distance to see Nathan. I couldn’t see out that far. I thought I saw him a couple times but it turned out to only be shadows of the trees.
Finally, I saw something in the distance. It was coming towards me at a fast pace. I quickly stood up. At about ten feet away, the figure stopped running and started to walk. I looked at him and immediately recognized his round glasses. It was Nathan Doorough.
“Hi.” He stopped in front of me.
“Hi.”
(To be continued)
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There is alot of action in this story! Nice wording.
Cary
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Nicely done! Anxious to read more of this. You’ve captured the whole parent/teen fear relationship quite well and accurately. My attention was held and focused on this piece of quality writing. Keep it coming!
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I’m sorry but the only thing I got from this was fear. Fear of your dad, fear of the dark and tension in the family. I hope that’s the point you were trying to get across.
I liked the narrative, and the imagery is good. Particularly during the description of the father, and his relationship to the narrator. There are some good, strong active sentences, but the piece could flow a bit more smoothly in some parts, especially when the narrator describes the nervousness, sweaty palms, etc. A few of the sentences got a little bit choppy there. Overall, it’s well written and held my interest, but you could heighten the tension through much of the middle of the piece by working on creating more flow.
I love how you began, with the options. It just slams the reader into the story which is great. Every so often, like when you said your feet picked the later, I don’t know, it sounded to be a bit young. Also, why would you take anyone home when the father was there? Why couldn’t it be done there at the park? Also, describe some of the flashbacks.
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