Poetry / Cricket Song (Analysis)

Very evocative, nice imagery. I notice a typo or two, maybe get a proofreader to go over it for you.

The overall effect is nice, the ending brings it all home. The middle may be shortened, you dwell on the rain a lot. I felt the metaphors for rain were maybe a bit overdone, I guess. Take these two stanzas:

“Summer showers fall, to cool the thickened air.
No lights shine, from the burdened sky.

Clouds blanket the stars,
They echo each drops that falls.”

Don’t they seem to say almost the same thing?

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July 24, 2008

by Sweettouch

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In a description of what is around you aren;t they the same thing yet each very different – I think it is very much like saying I love you – it can be said a million different ways and often times repeats in a love poem – repetition is a poets tool!!!

July 28, 2008

by teaddub

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True, and I use it often. I usually use it as an alliterative and rhyming piece though. This is not quite repetition, since you don’t exactly repeat yourself, it is more a redundancy, which can also be a poet’s tool, but one I am not very familiar with.

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I like the use of the nature words. It really sets the mood, bringing the reader in.

This was a great show of the tenants for imagry poetry. It was clear and put out there to bring pictures to the mind, and it did just that. I wasn’t sure at first if you were going for more free verse, since you kind of jumped between rhyming and not, and my only suggestion would be to keep it entirely free verse if that was your intent. (The phrases I’m thinking of ended with “soul” and low”) so just watch that, though overall I don’t think it’s that big that you’d have to change it.

The other thing is the title… I felt like the poem was more focused around the storm than the cricket’s song itself. I would either change the title or incorporate the crickets more throughout the poem.

Thanks for sharing this piece!

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July 19, 2008

by Sweettouch

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Cricket Song is the title because a night such as this is never complete without the constant sound of the crickets and that would be one of those things people would infer from the piece. ;-)

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Summer showers fall, to cool the thickened air.
No lights shine, from the burdened sky.
I love these lines.  

They echo each drop that falls. (You probably already noticed that)

This is a beautiful and calming piece.  The end was much more rhythmic and lyrical than the beginning.  From “A summer night awakens….” through the ending it reads almost as a seperate poem.  It could even stand on its own. I would work on the flow at the beginning a little more.  

I look forward to the rewrite, but it is already beautiful.

You’ve got a very, very lyrical way of writing that I enjoyed a lot. It’s very interesting how you can take something as commonplace as a thunderstorm and turn it into a beautiful, lyrical poem like this.

“Two dance naked among the clouds/Branches etched in shadows.” Was that meant to mean lightning? At least, that’s how I saw it. Great image.

I know you said in your reviewer notes that you punctuated it so that the thoughts wouldn’t run together. I understand to a point, but you should go with your first instinct in punctuating. I don’t know how it was originally, but the way it’s written now makes it feel a little too fragmented for my taste. And this fragmentation made it a tad bit passive, and less engaging than it can be, especially with its lyricality.

Good job, though.

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July 15, 2008

by Sweettouch

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Actually this is the first write straight off the cuff from me outside with myy trusty companion the laptop. I usually do not punctuate it is against my ideas on poetry but with this piece I did as my thoughts came out.

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Your descriptions make the poem.  There are flow issues but that will come with the rewrite.  Sounds like a peaceful moment around the fire.  You set up the for the final ‘performance’ and deliver.  Good Work!

Flow issues:
  1. Two dance naked among the clouds, – humans, elements, or crickets?
  2. No lights shine, from the burdened sky. – everything else has a peaceful tone.  An interesting use of burden; doesn’t seem to fit with your ‘zen’ atmosphere. Were you trying to describe the sky as working too hard to never have a break or a relaxing moment?  
  3. Clouds blanket the stars,
  They echo each drops that falls. – I know you are talking about rain but it seems that with this description and the positioning of the statement the sky is falling.  
  4. by the steady tears of gentleness – consider revising.  This doesn’t make sense.  Gentleness doesn’t have a state but it is a state and here it seems that you try and use it as if it were an object.  Gentleness is an idea, a property, a thought, and/or a state of mind. Do not remove gentleness from the sentence but consider a redesign of this sentence using structure.
   example: by the steadiness of gentle tears

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July 15, 2008

by Sweettouch

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the two dance naked are the trees outlined by the lightening that was off in the distance. Several reading this love this line and explanation so it will not change.

burdened sky – yes it was holding the full clouds of rain that fell – the rain and clouds were dark and full – burdened = full, overloaded.

no the clouds echo the drops that fall and that is self-explanatory.

I totally disagree with you about gentleness – the drops of rain are god’s gentle gift and without bringing god into it this is conveyed as natures gentle gift.

In poetry word use is not limited to the conventions you try to impose upon it and please read my profile it will explain my opinions on such.

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Your poem has a spiritual, organic feel. It makes the reader feel peaceful. You’ve conveyed the awesomeness of nature and reminded the reader to slow down and observe.

I’m not a fan of rewrites for poetry. IMO, poetry should come from fresh feelings…rewrites can seem contrived. I wouldn’t change a thing in this one.

I like your economics. Your lines are short and concise. I would ask that you condense them into 4 or 5 line stanzas for an easier read.

I like that the cricket is brought in the 2nd last stanza instead of the beginning. It is unique that you do that.

“Tinkle softly,” sounds too kiddish, crafty. Tinkle reminds me of a kid peeing. Something like, maybe, “chimed,” and, “quietly.”?

“Thunderous applause,” is cliche. Maybe, “cracking thunder.”

For the subject matter you have done a great job. I picture a nighttime scene, in nature, spirits of native Americans, nature in commune with outsiders.

I hope this helps you. Blessings, Gregory

What was really neat about reading this is that at the time, it was storming outside. A summer storm, one of the kinds that make you feel as if anything is possible. The flow is great, the imagery superb. I really liked this; it’s a fantastic poem.