Poetry / DESERT OF EMOTIONS

This is just a suggestion, but maybe you could cap this off by returning to the image of leaves, explaining how they are carried away by the wind to strange places, breaking down to nothing, only so that their elements can be reassembled with new ones, forming something new—a death and a rebirth.

Wow this is some interesting words in this piece. There was a part in this piece like this line here that sort of made me stutter “and I’ll be forever thirsty on emotions.” I can see what you’re trying to say but I really can’t feel it coming from this one line… maybe try “I’ll forever thirst for emotions, unchangable through time” or just something like that, it’s too early in the morning for me to think straight to be honest so if it doesn’t go I hope you get what I’m trying to suggest.

The ending I thought could use alittle brush up too, if I may suggest maybe try “I will live across the barrier, with you locked within my heart, knowing that distance will never keep us apart.” I think changing it to “I” instead of But Heath yah da yah da… reads off better because it makes it sound more isolated, emotional and raw well in my opinion anyways. But these are only suggestions I wanted to share with you whether you use it or not is totally upto you.

But overall the poem was good but could be even better with afew more touch ups.

Thanks for sharing,

Amy

First let me say that I can relate to this poem, although on somewhat of a different level.  I wrote a flagship piece entitled “Desert of Tears” that eluded to a similar meaning. However, you could have done so much more with this to personalize it; make it belong to Heath.  I would have loved to have been able to smell the day old sweat embedded in one of his sweaters that still lingers, still making you “thirsty”.  ”Coz now you are locked within my heart” made me feel like you didn’t really care about the piece in general…be careful when you are doing the final evaluation and editing of your piece…I couldn’t understand how you could have made that mistake on purpose.  Just to be fair, I must say that the first stanza has SO MUCH potential as the beginning of a masterpiece.  ”we’re all  fragile as leaves when autumn approaches we can all grow cold and rigid” is magnificent writing. But don’t be afraid to use punctuation to bring forth the true meaning…We’re all fragile as leaves. When autumn approaches, we can all grow cold and rigid; undefended corpses on an autopsy table.”  Nice work.

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September 16, 2008

by anonymous

Thanks a lot for your review.
”Coz now you are locked within my heart”, don’t you like the whole verse or just the “coz”? because i’ve been receiving lots of reviews asking me to change that, which I will for sure. Speaking Italian everyday and not English, I didn’t think it sounded and looked so bad, but that’s what I need Urbis for, so thank you for telling me these kind of things.
I agree with you about the punctuation, according to the way you wrote my verses down, that is to say in prose, but I don’t like punctuation in poetry, I don’t think it is so useful and for this reason I will also drop the full-stops at the end of each stanza.
Thanks a lot for your help!

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Well, if you removed that it is about a celebrity, you might have something.

You start with strong phrases like “we’re all  fragile as leaves
when autumn approaches
we can all grow cold and rigid
undefended corpses on an autopsy table.”

That really shows that you have a unique beat, and are developing that voice.

But when I get to the lines that talk about Heath Ledger, it’s gone and here’s why. No matter how great of a person or actor he was, he still is not the glue that holds the universe together, do you see what I mean?

“But a world without Heath Ledger makes me shiver”. I guess if this was not there, and you left a reader the opportunity to maybe guess who this is, or just in general scrap it, the feel that I got in the first stanza would carry over.

Lastly: “coz now you are locked within my heart”.

“Coz”, really? Are you really using slang in this style of poetry??

Anyway, I do think, like I said, that in parts of this there is that unique beat I think you should work on, but like everything, it does need work.

Good luck, and, eehh, were you really with him?? :)

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September 03, 2008

by anonymous

I will correct the “coz” for sure. I just minded the sound when I wrote it, I didn’t know it was such a bad word in English, as I often read it in lyrics.
Heath Ledger inspired me in so many ways…This poem is for him only and I need this to be clear. Thanks a lot for you help!

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I like the imagery and controlling metaphor of leaves in the wind that goes through the first and to a lesser extent second stanza. However in third and fourth stazas when you idealize Heath Ledger you sort of loose me a little bit. The imagery is still strong and even the allusion to him is a strong support for your overaching theme, but I just don’t think it would be the kind of thing that would get you noticed or published. The poem is strong, very strong in fact but I think it might get you mislabeled as a grieving fan as opposed to a poet trying to express their feelings on the frailty of life.  

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September 02, 2008

by anonymous

Thanks a lot for your opinion. This poem is very intimate. I wrote it specifically for him, because he always inspired me so much. This is a follow up to another poem I wrote about him, when he was still alive. I didn’t mention his name then   and I thought the less I could do was to omage him in death. But this is not just about the fan/star relationship. To me he represents much more than this and I’m happy and proud this poem will be published soon in my firts book of poems titled “Infinite Union”.
Thanks for your review!

September 13, 2008

by Jollybob

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That’s great. It’s really cool to see that this site has some success stories. I might have to check it out, supporting the cause and all that jazz. URBIS of the of the world unite!

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Hi there,

First off, I am so sorry you lost a very important person in your young life. Heath started with next to nothing and made a great name for himself thru shear determination. It didn’t hurt that he was physically beautiful either. So, I am indeed sorry for you but did enjoy the fact you were strong enough to write this to remember him by. Your descriptions of the morgue are a bit chilly but draw a clear picture. You were unfortunate to love someone and lose them not to another, but to death itself, quite difficult. I am glad in the last stanza you found a way to lock him forever in your warm heart. me…

Good Job,  I would like to see more imagery like in the first stannza to make this pop.  I do think you are on the right track though.  What a great performer he was.  

Nice.
Great lines in there…”immortal gold impressed in the silver screen.” GENIUS!!

I don’t know if you meant to do it on purpose or not…
but “coz?” even if you meant to write ‘cuz’...it doesn’t go with very
well fully spelled piece.

All in all…a very VERY good piece..
Good for you! Congrats :o)

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July 30, 2008

by anonymous

I often see “coz” in songs. I don’t know if it’s vulgar, slang or whatever, because English is not my first language. I used it for the first time here, just for the reason it was shorter than “bacause”. Thank you for your review!

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I have found that a lack of punctuation can contribute a great deal to a poem, or, make it confusing. If there was no punctuation at all I think this would be fine, but you use a period at the end of each stanza, which makes each like its own sentence. If this is the case, you have written a series of run-on sentences. I am bothered by “coz” and “desertification” seems a difficult word to make “poetic.” What I mean is it takes from the flow of your poem.
I do like the idea of “undefended corpses on an autopsy table” and the idea of losing someone and therefore having a lasting thirst for them.
Perhaps continue this piece with dry, arid imagery and make your poem around that, especially with the title. Maybe you keep out imagery of leaves and screens and use more sand, dust, desert images.

This is a very beautiful way to honor the memory of such a talented man. In short Heath was a sort of an enigma… he was golden, and in the words of Emerson “nothing gold can stay”. This should be published. The emotions in which you feel and or felt , are vividly expressed here which keeps readers interested. Seek an agent.

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July 29, 2008

by anonymous

Thank you so much. It will be published soon in my first collection of poem titled Infinite Union! :)

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