Heh heh! You have never seen the furnaced pulchritudes of Romania! This turn of phrase referred to her beauty having been pre-dipped in a scorching hot furnace to achieve either hideousness or gorgeousness. I left that one ambiguous! Thank you for the stranger review! I hope our friend McWeird is doing well!
Flash Fiction / x + y = x - y
Theresa Everglade, dipped in the furnace of pulchritude, rode a full-blooded Pomeranian in the dog races at Fat Rock, Minnesota. In the crowd, David Frunmam sat and smiled at the undulations of her breasts and pockets of cellulite under her arms, imagining himself in a room with her, performing tongue-licking sexual foreplay rituals with the droopy hangings of skin, then performing intercourse with her while the dog watched, barking with canine envy.
Jesus, I need to snap out of this. I do algebra, that’s my raison d’être. I have no call to be fancying some attractively plump dog-riding elf in this bizarre freakshow. God, I must be mad…
The race ended. Theresa came first, which David thought was an apt metaphor for the intercourse they were having in his mind, and for his own sexual incompetence. During his last sexual rendezvous, he tried to remember the chord sequence of Eric Clapton’s Layla, thus neglecting to satisfy the woman with whom he was becoming intimate. She left to vague mutterings of “C, D, G#, B7.”
This time, if I get the chance, I’m going to think about the finest sexual algebra I can. I am going to perform a sexual routine along the lines of this: x + b + r2 = xb – r2 (if r is a constant, penetration should be tantamount to four quadratic subdivisions of the same variable).
David met Theresa in the lobby. She brushed past him after he swallowed an opening gambit along the lines of: “Hello, I adored your riding and congratulations on the win. I don’t mind if you are of miniature proportions, would you care to accompany me for a yoghurt?” He left in a taxi. She left in a stretch limo.
Oh well. Maybe next time. Perhaps next time I should appreciate that an x + y formula can often result in a x – y outcome. In fact, it seems it does most of the bloody time…
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think that with a bit of tweaking, this could develop into something quite amazing. I’d say it’s near brilliant as is, but not quite fully there.
For example:
“which David thought was an apt metaphor for the intercourse they were having in his mind, and for his own sexual incompetence” isn’t necessary in this sentence, any reader will generally catch it on their own, and it’s better without or perhaps along the lines of: “Theresa came first, in the race, of course.” something much simpler and less “HEY LOOK WHAT I DID HERE!”, you know?
Anyway, a lot more along the lines of mystery. There are a lot of unanswered questions left in here, but not a lot of mystery if that makes sense. Try alluding to things in a semi-concrete way rather than fully omitting them or stating them blatantly.
Other than that, I really enjoyed the piece, sort of reminds me of Nathaniel West, back in Dream Life of Balso Snell days. Not as allegorical, but you know.
-lu.
- add/view comments (2)
malapropist reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Does pulchritude have a furnace? Can someone or something be dipped in a furnace?
Loved the paragraph Theresa came first. Best of show. Witty, clean prose.
I appreciate the difference between the wild narrative prose and the slightly more subdued character voice. The italics were a little distracting, given it’s such a short piece, but it’s a minor concern.
Also minor: switch the order of the sentences She left… and He left…
Clever piece. Good stuff.
MisterP reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Brilliant. Sex is so often glamorised and shown to be the province of the beautiful, its refreshing to read about something different and not treated as perverted and disgusting fantasy.
The characters are bizarre and well drawn and accompany a rich descriptive dialogue that I wish I could write!
The use of algebra as a vehicle for the X and Y chromosome was well inspired.
I’d like to see this piece expanded to a full blown novel.
A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is odd and weird and bizarre and yet I love it. The guy constantly thinking of algebra references was awesome, particularly the one at the end (and your title is really eye catching!), and the way it relates to the story. You really gave a nice flash of the character in such a short amount of space, but I kind of wish you’d explained why algebra is David’s life. Anyway, nice story!
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
While I don’t understand your ratings, I thought this was interesting. A man crushing out on a woman that normally wouldn’t be considered attractive in society. Interesting concept. I think he’s thinking entirely too much about sex, or how to distract himself from it.
I know they say the world works in mathematical aspects, but can one really put a formula to intercourse? Poor thing. Just relax and it’ll happen. Makes me wonder if he only liked the woman because he too would be considered a “freak”?
Interesting, indeed.
penny2204 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Nicely done Don’t ask for a refund yet! I’ll find something wrong with this! LOL…that’s your fault for elevating my mood!
Seriously now, this is a really funny piece. (Did I just say that?) The first line, with the image of Theresa riding the pomeranian reached out and grabbed me out of Urbis hell and snapped me right back into my usually sunny state of mind. Thanks for the rescue! I love David, who probably finds Theresa somewhat less than perfect, but wants to sleep with her anyway. And any dog-owner who has ever tried to have sex gets (all too well) the part about the jealous dogs! Great characterization!
And finally, someone’s sexual fantasy that is actually INTERESTING! This is one that I enjoyed reading about, although I can’t share the fantasy. You have mad skills and talent. Obviously a mad imagination as well. Is this what math nerds think about? Forgive my use of the word “nerd”. I am madly in love with one right now and if this is what he’s thinking then my perspective has been permanently altered. I’m laughing my butt off right now!
‘The race ended. Theresa came first, which David thought was an apt metaphor…”—really funny, really clever stuff. Probably an apt metaphor for the experiences of many of us, much of the time.
The use of chord sequences and mathmatical formulas as a tool to enhance sexual performance is priceless!
The line ‘I don’t mind if you are of miniature proportions, would you care to accompany me for a yoghurt?’—really, really good. The voice with which you speak is interesting, unusual, and humorous. Very nice.
‘He left in a taxi. She left in a limo.’—short and sweet, and gets the job done with good style.
Finally, the last equation making the point that ‘an x+y formula can often result in an x-y outcome’...funny and insightful at the same time. A good metaphor for life itself. I enjoyed this ever so much!
I cannot offer any nit-picks or edits. The piece is well-written and complete in my opinion. What I can do is give you the really great ratings that you deserve and hope it helps move this piece up the proverbial ladder. Good luck and thanks for a great read. P.
tarleisio reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Had I known that there are, indeed, testosterone-driven men out there who are turned on by flabby feminine flesh, I would never have bothered with all those agonizing triceps Pilates.
And had I known that somewhere, out there in the aether, there were phrases such as “dipped in the furnace of pulchritude” floating around in the twisting and convoluted spaces between someone else’s synapses, I should immediately have become far more than chartreuse with envy.
Dude, this puts the flash in flash fiction. A simple situation, lust, licentiousness and an overheated imagination can lead to the most wondrous and weirdly beautiful words.
I may live to regret that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to twist the English language into such gorgeous Gordian knots. I may even live to regret that I now have the triceps – and biceps – of a former East German swimmer of dubious gender.
But I will never live to regret that I have been privileged to read something so creative, so original and so heart-breakingly funny.
And in less than one thousand words.
Yours, speechless with admiration!
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love the in-and-out motion of interior monologue and exterior narration. Very well done. The hapless, bumbling lover + the quirky and non-plussed female character = Excellent characterization.
That chord progression sounds familiar. Hmmmm.
Proofreading notes:
Tense problem: “The race ended.” sets up the time frame in the paragraph so that “During . . .” needs to be in the past perfect: he had tried, she had left. Also, a connection maybe to the laps of the race and last rendezvous might be pleasing here.
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
You depicted Theresa as fat, yet riding on a Pomeranian?! You meant Chihuahua, right?
She left to vague mutterings of “C, D, G#, B7.” – any Clapton fan would leave to this grossly wrong sequence. It’s something like “d, Bb, C, d”
His thinking of the equation is a bit random but somehow produces nice balance with the sexual fantasies. Or is that the same for him? :)
Nice work, bizzare to the bone but with nice underlayer of rejection and sexual frustration.
Enjoyed.
Oh, yeah, Salt The Sinus!
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m reeeaaally curious what kind of drugs you all are keeping secret over there in fantasy Russian province of Omsk.
Algebra to figure out foreplay and good sex…and to then not proceed with his imperfect calculation…
I wold run if someone started reciting the chords of a Clapton song. Music is one thing…
Ohhh! G#, yesss! D, B…Oh God yeah, B7, that’s the chorus baby! B, D G#...Wow! Was it good for you?
“Learn to strum the notes, asshole!!!”
:D Sorry, I had no idea how else to review this ;P
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
11 Reviews 16 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 214 Times
Skipped: 16 Times
Ratings & Rankings
