i’m pretty sure this poem is about a relationship not bulemia.
you should read more carefully and pay attention to literary decives like metaphor, which was so skill fully used in this poem.
Poetry / to stomach:
when you were a bird
i choked down chunks of fruit to quiet you
or you squawked all night in a ribcage
that hardly contained you
(then called you beautiful in your desperation!
those mesmerizing clipped wings!)
when you were a fish
and flopped from kidney to kidney limply and
frantically i rushed to gut you
with nervous hands that
left you empty and still
and when you were a lap dog
i let you come begging at metaphorical feet
and turned you away with no new tricks
you’d be too old to learn and me
too old to teach.
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sparrow reviewed Version 1 -
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i lvoe you and your bird and your fish and your dog
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bulletwithbutterflywings reviewed Version 1 -
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i honestly think this is a creative, unique write. i love the content. you writing to a stomach that keeps expanding as time passes by, as if it were these different creatures. very intriguing & witty. I don’t have much in the way of critiquing but here’s some. stanza one, i think you can get rid of those parenthesis around the last 2 lines. stanza 2, line 2, i think you can leave off both ‘and’s at beginning & end. one thing that bothers me is the last 2 lines. I think you should move ‘me’ to the last line. this will make more sense, & keep the flow smooth. other than that, a witty write.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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I did not get it, which is not to say it is bad poetry or that you do not have talent. I think I understand where you are going with the metaphor but the examples throw me each time. First verse leads me toward the stomach changing relation as the body grows older but then we are inside a fish by the second verse and then a dog in V3.. Are you attempting to portray different stomach experience to equate an overall vision? If that were the case, and introductory verse and concluding verse might help, but I’m groping here. May be just too esoteric for the average reader to get.
intimate_le reviewed Version 1 -
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I read your poem as I read it I was ok what is she taking about. When we get right down to it you have talent but I read your poem and when you wer finished I had no idea what you were talking about. Were you talking about food. Stages of age it was all over the place but your piece had great form and that is about the only good thing I can say right now only because I read it 5 times and was still left in a state of confusion. Or maybe even a child this piece just left me with to man questions.
Loba reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a pretty solid poem.
i would change some of the last words in the lines to highlight the subject in the line/stanza.
ex s2
... kidney to kidney
limply and frantically i rushed
to gut you with nervous hands that
but that’s an issue of personal taste.
in s3 l2 i’d take out the “metaphorical” it’s an unnecessary distinction, the whole poem is filled with metaphors, why point that out now?
Cail reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure I completly understand this. What I’m getting from it is a beautiful, emotive piece about an eating disorder. The idea of using animals to describe the stomach is wonderful and unique. Your writing style is clear and fluid. This is a pleasure to read aloud, its as though the words propel themselve off the tongue.
thepastinfuture reviewed Version 1 -
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I like very much the images, and the structure, but am left empty myself as to the purpose, the meaning meant in these words. A great surrealist painting of words, aesthetically pleasing but upon leaving it behind all I have is an image, a ghostly image of a bird staring dead eyed from behind the bleached bones of a ribcage.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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lovely metaphor and imagining as usual. i loved choked down chunks, stanza two is near perfect (delete frantically? it might scan better and its a repreated almost with a ?synonym rushed; last line could be more powerful???)
some thoughts: your desperation or my desparation. the latter makes a little more sense to me, but i may be misunderstanding.
for most ‘mesmerizing clipped wings’ would be good but for you this is quite an ordinary image
‘at metaphorical feet’ could be something else entirely, the come begging and the lap dog give the idea, why not try something else? what is it they come begging to or for?
but, as ever, beautiful…
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