Poetry / Should I Go Or Should I Stay

I feel you do a good job at conveying the emotion and thought you were aiming for (if I’m understanding it correctly) but from the poetic stand point it could still use some work mainly in helping it to flow better.

I’m not going to push my own style on you so I won’t list specific points but I would highly suggest looking through for places you could remove words, and especially the repetition of words and openings.

In addition to that this is also a concept I think you could improve by adding punctuation to. I know it’s not needed in poetry and in some cases causes harm but I think for you on this piece it might be helpful in guiding the reader towards how to read a line (again helping with flow).

You should go.
Write more about the ambiguity. Right now the conclusion any reader would draw would be the same as mine I think…it would be more interesting if your poem explored why someone would stay in such a bad relationship. Right now the poem invites the reader to view the protagonist with a combination of contempt, disgust and pity. Give us a reason to care about this person, identify with her feelings. If she’s just a dependent personality who can’t leave a bad relationship, she’s not very interesting. You’ve managed to rhyme the poem but the content needs work.

Very nice opening. Great rhythm and I love “My ragged heart is a high price to pay”, followed by the guarantee, as if it were a real transaction. The last two stanzas are more related to the title. The title is cliche, but the words are not. I would consider renaming, but excellent job

I like the last line of this poem. Although it is from a famous song I still think it can be used well in poetry. However much of the rest seems like you forced rhymes at the expense of flow.
You might try changes like, Stanza 1 Line 1&2 “Making promises that you never keep.”, “Dreams grow expensive, while words grow cheap.”
Stanza 2 Line 1&2, was not very clear, again it seems clarity was sacrificed for rhyme. You might try making it “You say love is no guarantee.” “I see it as one, naturally.”
In Stanza 3, Lines 1&2 seem perfect, excellent, I wouldn’t change them. But I would change 3&4 to statements not questions. “Love is a Journey….”, “Not a Trial…”.

I think this could be a nice poem with a rewrite to improve flow.

this is very good.

“Broken dreams get expensive and words are cheap” (awesome, awesome line)

i have a couple of suggestions.. it seemed like you were struggling with the last verse.

should be naturally/should come that way naturally
forgiving-forgetting/rhyme is off “though you never do, you just keep on living”

do I keep expecting you/why do i expect you to change

As the screaming silence deafens my ears/your screaming silence…
And the way your love blinds me with fears/your conditional love blinds…
As I think love and devotion I may never know/true love and devotion i may…
I then ask should I stay or should I go …/so i ask myself, should i stay or should i go

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May 22, 2008

by peejie

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43	F	United States	October 31

Thanks. You’re the very 1st one who has delved into the meat of this poem and actually showed me ‘better’ ways to get this across to readers. I truly appreciate the help & actually agree with most of what you’ve said. I may re-write, thanks to you.  

May 22, 2008

by bittersweetmemory

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53	F	Germany	July 22

you made my day… i try so hard to really earn credits… and i thank you for noticing.

can’t wait to read it again. it’s beautiful!

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First Verse: Why do you not use punctuation? There needs to be a period at the end of each of these lines. The rythmes you use here are okay, and your word choice you use is best in the second line.

Second Verse: Im not sure how the first and second lines go together. If you want the second line to make sense with the first one, you should change it to “But I tell you it does naturally”. The last two lines here seem like they’re trying to be a witty play on words but it needs some work because right now it doesn’t make sense.

Third Verse: A period is needed at the end of the first two lines and the second two lines need question marks at the end of them. This verse is the best and the only problem I have with it is “range”. This word in just unfitting in a verse like this. This word makes the rythme seem forced. Is there anyother word you could use?

Fourth Verse: If you really are attached to this verse, I think that you should put it before the third verse because the third verse is, to me, the real ending. In my world, this verse is uneeded so i am not going to edit the grammar, structure, or word choice.

Overall: I like the theme in this piece, I have also written about this topic. I like this theme because it is universal. Your word choice could be better and you need punctuation.

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April 30, 2008

by peejie

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43	F	United States	October 31

not very helpful; poets use the method of non punctuation all the time for a variety of reasons. I don’t see anything in your very lengthy and costly review that is of benefit as a writer.

May 01, 2008

by inxthexpinesx

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18	F	Honor, MI	November 09

punctuation helps the reader understand the context in which you are conveying ideas, they differentiate between the meaning of words. they make a piece more user friendly.

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Great write. You captured this feeling well and it flowed smooth and effortless. I wrote a piece like this a few years ago called “should I go or stay” basically the same premise and situation, but not very structured or refined. Nice job taking care of both of those things, by the way.
“Broken dreams get expensive and words are cheap”- awesome line.
Think you’ve inspired me to go dig that old thing up and see if I can do something with it.  

I think alot of people can really relate to this, I know I certianly do. I love the last paragraph- it speaks to the souls of humans throughout all of existance.

A poem that sounds like it comes from a broken heart.

The poem was excellent, but the title doesnt fit it. The title doesnt sound orignal like your poem. Reminds me of the song “Should i stay or should i go” Other than the title i think poem was gould. You dont have to change the last line in order to change the title. Event though they say the same thing.