Non-fiction / 6 word memoir (Analysis)

Was born, saw mankind, how scary!

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roguescholar avatar General Stranger

July 23, 2008

roguescholar

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Bluedolphin avatar General Stranger

July 23, 2008

Bluedolphin

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metaphoricalsimile avatar General Stranger

July 23, 2008

metaphoricalsimile

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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Instead of “mankind” why not write “people?”  It seems a little more elegant and fitting, as it’s not literally possible to see every person, or “mankind.”

prosevengeance avatar General Stranger

July 22, 2008

prosevengeance

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prosevengeance reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Ha! How true! Humanity is frightening. Good to see you have a sense of humor about it, tho. Amusing!

pradapoet avatar General Stranger

July 22, 2008

pradapoet

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needs some tightening.   “was” just slows the read down.

“born.saw mankind.how scary”   works as well.

tell us just how scary.  what did you do as that newborn when you encountered mankind.

Supernatural1 avatar General Stranger

July 22, 2008

Supernatural1

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Supernatural1 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

lol i laughed. i couldn’t help it. you are so totally right!!! lol great memoir!! this is one I’D definitely choose!!!

starbourne avatar Random Review

July 18, 2008

starbourne

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starbourne reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I agree. Well written and timely.

vangogh414 avatar General Stranger

July 18, 2008

vangogh414

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vangogh414 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Unfortunately, with this structure, it seems a little like you were being cut short in your thoughts.  I don’t feel as though I’m seeing your writerly self through this piece; I was left unsure as to what you were trying to express.  I think what’s distracting from the message is a little inconsistency in the final phrase (“how scary”), which was preceded by two active phrases (born, saw)—it almost needs another action to make it solid.  I think you’re off to a nice start, though!  Good luck in the competition!

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PIMckenzie avatar

PIMckenzie

Age: 60
Loc: Sarasota, FL
Gen: M
Last Login: October 12
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8 Reviews 9 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 2 months ago

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