Lyrics / How I breathe

didn’t think that “Stands with a wall” made much sence to the song
It was a little repetive on the “Chorus lines”
Didn’t think that the verses went deep enough for the feeling this song could have.

The chorus lines just those three lines repeating in a little different way made it to repeative.
And the decriptions of fellings could just fill out some more.. or even add a little more of a story line. What does she do to make you feel that way.. ect.

I really like it except for one line, or one portion of a line “please don’t hate me”

grammar – it is lie, not lay.  

today i lie down
yesterday i lay down
Now I lay the object down

I also think you should get rid of the comma in the first line.  If you want a pause maybe you could do it with spacing instead of punctuation.  

I like the honesty of these lyrics – the language sounds natural. I like the line “I’m running low” because it makes me think of a car running low on gas – but the fact that you can’t get to sleep is like a perpetual state of slowing down, never stopping. I also like “It creeps me to the bones” because it just sounds like natural speech and the idea of a love that “stands like a wall.” You might want to expand on some of these ideas – the changing of topics feels a little abrupt. Overall I was intrigued.

This is pretty good, but there is too much repetition of the same lines.  Try saying something more.  It could be longer.  Say more about the relationship and why you wanted to quit.  Then you can repeat “Oh, how I breathe when I can’t fall asleep”  Good start.

Wow….this is really good….you need to try as hard as you can to get those lyrics out there and get yourself a band started up with a manager and get yourself a record label…the lyrics sound good…so Im guessing the music probably would too!

“She” is over used in the beginning.

And is it that the narrator breathes when trying to fall asleep? What image are ou trying to portray? That it’s slow and steady? That it’s deep and haggard? That’s it’s fast and shallow? Are you trying to show anxiety, frustration, boredom, what? It’s like saying, this is how I walk when I leave the house. You don’t have any reference to know what I see in my brain as you don’t know me.

Why does the narrator care whether the girl hates him/her at the end of this “rare” relationship if it didn’t mean that much? It doesn’t follow.

Also, in the beginning the narrator wants to leave the girl, and toward the end the narrator is plying her to forgive, forget et so on. It’s too short a piece for that much. Either center your idea on the break up or on the wanting to break up, but don’t try to cover both in so few words.

Keep working at it.

hi there,

well i like it, i really don’t think it will entertain,warm and amuse many hearts..:)..but i like the song structure and the craft aspect to the lyric also..(some writers don’t have any of that) the line i would change is, you said what you had was rare,but it didn’t mean much to you, sounds like conflicting statements.(with the plea of having someone new lay next to you, i’d say ut’s time for you to move on!!!...:)..nice job, jim