To be honest, this was a blog I posted on Myspace. I wrote it in about 30 minutes. I then edited and made it longer. The first version is the original. Thanks for your input.
Look for myspace/astriapo for more…
Horror / Jerky Boy
The oddest memories are the ones that cut through the muck of everyday existence. They pour themselves into your subconscious like honey suckle fragrance on a spring day. Macabre wonders that invite the bizarre and play tricks on your mind. Memoirs, that if given the chance, would shine through movie theaters and play houses with enthusiasm. What a wallop. These phantom images that want life, as troubling as they are, usurper your thoughts and leave you wishing the sight had not been seen at all.
Such as the winter night, one year ago, today. The window of my perception was slowly pulling itself shut when I saw it. I wasn’t sure what it was, so I had to look again. The horror that looked at me was mind numbing. I remember looking at the image and gasping at the stench that found its way into my nostrils. Jesus himself was a far better sight, after crucification, then the ominous creature hovering before me.
A large pole or monolith reached into the sun drenched sky. Anointing its point was flesh. A small creature, perhaps fifteen months or so, outstretched so tight that its bones nearly pushed their way through the skin. Flailed wide open and drying. Perhaps for jerky. A small child. There was hair visible, but not much. Someone had skewered its arms so they would stay outreached at each side. Its legs were pinned tightly to the pole. I looked at the creature, it resembled a young boy, but I could not tell. Its entrails wrapped around and down the pole. Like a barbershops post. Even the blood that stained the wood, followed this twisting candy cane pattern.
I looked into its eyes and found empty pits that stole my curiosity. The image pushed itself deep into limbo and my thoughts became mixed emotional riptides of hate, anger, rage with the slightest bitter taste of excitement. I spit at the ground. I looked around, but did not see anyone that was responsible. I knew, I had to pull the sight from the audience. I needed to begone of the abomination. I wondered who could have done this. I thought about it for weeks after and still wonder whose child it was.
Even now, I look at the fragile child. Encased with glass and hanging on the wall. I’m not sure why I wanted him or why I kept him. He is preserved so well and makes an eccentric work of art. All I know is that looking at his sheepish grimace makes me all fuzzy on the inside. I’ve named him Splinter and he is my friend. I once called him Jerky boy, but I don’t think he liked that. I was able to save most of the post. I only needed to trim off a bit to make it fit in the room. He doesn’t mind hanging around, anyway.
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BPL reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the detail most writters fail to put enough or put to much .You had the right combo here.Is it Pubishable -it has the potential.It is really good but dark .I thind you are right about needing more to it but again not to much .keep up the good work !!
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higginbot reviewed Version 2 -
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So, first of all, I do like it. Your style allows the reader to believe wholeheartedly in the strange apparition even though even the narrator itself finds his mind revolting at it.
Honestly, the only thing I could find wrong with it were minor wording issues. For example, I’m not sure that I like the phrase “the impalement of deity sacrifice”. Changing that phrase would require a rewrite of the entire sentence, however, and I can’t really come up with a better one in keeping with the tone and style you’ve set forth. Other than that, the only real problem I can find is that I believe honey suckle is one word (i.e., honeysuckle) rather than two. Beyond that, what I want to know is: Is this the complete story, or is this just the kickoff before the main event? If there is more, I would love to read it. As is though, this is a compelling read with very few flaws that could be easily fixed with another go-over.
Daemalous reviewed Version 2 -
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first the critiques
my head. I had to run from this inevitable doom that had succumbed my soul into madness. Even the screaming was a torment that bound my head like a vise. I dropped to my knees and held my head. you used head thrice. with as wonderful a vocabulary you’ve shown…you could have used skull or cranium.
I wanted the agony of the this winter night to wash away like the melting moons glow as the clouds cast their shadows like some foreboding that has yet to come. cool sounding but more confusing to the average reader. its a little too cryptic. I know you’re thinking thats what its supposed to be. but thus far you’ve done great with keeping a dark tone…but this is getting into EMO ( a term used to name a genre of teenage emotional music; and make fun of the same people alike) so yes this sentence was EMO near the end. clean that up while keeping the dark tone.
those were the only two things i have found. i loved this peice. your words and euphemisms really do a good job of weaving in and out of this horrible sight. with direct and indirect descriptions. it has inspired me
my biggest complaint is that it ends without ending…did you not have an ending…allow me to play muse for a second. Maybe he goes to his bathroom to wash the filth of adolescent gore from his mind. and finds bloody tools all over the bathroom floor in the tub and a blood trail out to the front room and out the door. and end it like that. so it insinuates he killed this baby in such a horrible manner.
please write more
JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 2 -
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This was a very odd and interesting piece. I really liked your comment about Jesus being a better sight, even after death, than the creature outside. It evokes many vivid, mental images for the reader. I think with a little work, it has plenty of potential.
You had a couple fragment sentences that could have been made changed slightly to be complete ones, or all added together to make one complete sentence.
“after crucification” spelled ‘crucifiction.’
“Even the blood that stained the wood, followed this twisting candy cane pattern.” I would remove the coma. Read the sentence again, it is not needed.
“beyond any humans vision” I think you meant humans’
smash54 reviewed Version 2 -
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I have a few suggestions for you. The first being simple grammatical stuff; spelling, run-ons. But that stuff is fixable. As a horror writer myself, I had to learn the hard way that gore and violence alone don’t make for a good scary story. What you have started falls more into the Lovecraft camp, with unspeakable creatures and gory scenes of impalement. I like this, I just hope it gets another rewrite and you add some meat to it. Because I do think it has some potential.
Kaabii203 reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked it. I really got this creepy kind of vibe from it. Where were you when this happned? A graveyard? A dead forest? Or was it just black? It’s definately publishible (sp? sorry). I hope you continue writing, because you definately have talent. As for the somewhat low score on Best Horror…I’m not sure. I would say yes, but then again you never really know, you know?
Ooh, by the way, I LOVED the ending. Where it just drifts off, and everythnig fades away in black…that was great. I liked the line “I feel as though the madness has set in…”.
That was one of the best pieces I ever read.
Elron reviewed Version 2 -
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Pretty disturbing pictures painted in my head, especially the “entrails/barber shop bit, reminded me a bit of the Tool “Sober” music video. The narrator’s voice seemed genuinely tortured, full of anguish, which reminded me a bit of the vibe I get when reading Edgar Allen Poe, or Joseph Conrad’s Kurtz from “Heart of Darkness” (or watching a Tool music video.)
I would have liked to have heard these 3 distinct voices blended together rather than apart, so that maybe the tone wouldn’t quiver as much and remain in a constant state of horror. The Horror! Good Stuff.
SilentRain reviewed Version 2 -
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I must say that I loved the descriptiveness in this peice, such as “I let that blanket of misery pull away from me like the veil of some tormented ghost. I could still hear the distant thundering and the sky was echoing flashes of tattered lightning from somewhere behind me.” it’s very poetic.
but I must say that if you’re going for the creepy kind of horror, gore isn’t the best way to do it. The best scares are the psycological ones, although some scenes in movies are scary because they look painful, but that’s another subject.
it’s a very nice, smooth work and you show a lot of talent.
favorited.
KarmaSutra reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s quite descriptive if a bit repetitive. Write from your gut not your brain. This is the best thing I’ve learned. Write what you’d want to read not what you think others will read.
Keep going.
jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 2 -
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In the first paragraph you have many strong sentences to describe what what the oddest memories are to you, but in all honest you only need one strong image to get your point across. You have four and that will put more images in teh readers mind than you really want. You should pick your favorite and work with that, but don’t over do it because the rest of your story is a lot to take in and it’s worth it. I loved your discription. Another thing, I imagined this person in a bed that you can find in any home, so when they say that they’re next to be tortured and they run I’m confused. A more descriptive setting would help clarify for the reader where the character is and why they may be next.
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