To be honest, this was a blog I posted on Myspace. I wrote it in about 30 minutes. I then edited and made it longer. The first version is the original. Thanks for your input.
Look for myspace/astriapo for more…
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Horror / Jerky Boy
The oddest memories are the ones that cut through the muck of everyday existence. They pour themselves into your subconscious like honey suckle fragrance on a spring day. Macabre wonders that invite the bizarre and play tricks on your mind. Memoirs, that if given the chance, would shine through movie theaters and play houses with enthusiasm. What a wallop. These phantom images that want life, as troubling as they are, usurper your thoughts and leave you wishing the sight had not been seen at all.
Such as the winter night, one year ago, today. The window of my perception was slowly pulling itself shut when I saw it. I wasn’t sure what it was, so I had to look again. The horror that looked at me was mind numbing. I remember looking at the image and gasping at the stench that found its way into my nostrils. Jesus himself was a far better sight, after crucification, then the ominous creature hovering before me.
A large pole or monolith reached into the sun drenched sky. Anointing its point was flesh. A small creature, perhaps fifteen months or so, outstretched so tight that its bones nearly pushed their way through the skin. Flailed wide open and drying. Perhaps for jerky. A small child. There was hair visible, but not much. Someone had skewered its arms so they would stay outreached at each side. Its legs were pinned tightly to the pole. I looked at the creature, it resembled a young boy, but I could not tell. Its entrails wrapped around and down the pole. Like a barbershops post. Even the blood that stained the wood, followed this twisting candy cane pattern.
I looked into its eyes and found empty pits that stole my curiosity. The image pushed itself deep into limbo and my thoughts became mixed emotional riptides of hate, anger, rage with the slightest bitter taste of excitement. I spit at the ground. I looked around, but did not see anyone that was responsible. I knew, I had to pull the sight from the audience. I needed to begone of the abomination. I wondered who could have done this. I thought about it for weeks after and still wonder whose child it was.
Even now, I look at the fragile child. Encased with glass and hanging on the wall. I’m not sure why I wanted him or why I kept him. He is preserved so well and makes an eccentric work of art. All I know is that looking at his sheepish grimace makes me all fuzzy on the inside. I’ve named him Splinter and he is my friend. I once called him Jerky boy, but I don’t think he liked that. I was able to save most of the post. I only needed to trim off a bit to make it fit in the room. He doesn’t mind hanging around, anyway.
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KindredSpirit reviewed Version 2 -
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MrJawbreakingEquilibrium reviewed Version 2 -
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BPL reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the detail most writters fail to put enough or put to much .You had the right combo here.Is it Pubishable -it has the potential.It is really good but dark .I thind you are right about needing more to it but again not to much .keep up the good work !!
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higginbot reviewed Version 2 -
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So, first of all, I do like it. Your style allows the reader to believe wholeheartedly in the strange apparition even though even the narrator itself finds his mind revolting at it.
Honestly, the only thing I could find wrong with it were minor wording issues. For example, I’m not sure that I like the phrase “the impalement of deity sacrifice”. Changing that phrase would require a rewrite of the entire sentence, however, and I can’t really come up with a better one in keeping with the tone and style you’ve set forth. Other than that, the only real problem I can find is that I believe honey suckle is one word (i.e., honeysuckle) rather than two. Beyond that, what I want to know is: Is this the complete story, or is this just the kickoff before the main event? If there is more, I would love to read it. As is though, this is a compelling read with very few flaws that could be easily fixed with another go-over.
Daemalous reviewed Version 2 -
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first the critiques
my head. I had to run from this inevitable doom that had succumbed my soul into madness. Even the screaming was a torment that bound my head like a vise. I dropped to my knees and held my head. you used head thrice. with as wonderful a vocabulary you’ve shown…you could have used skull or cranium.
I wanted the agony of the this winter night to wash away like the melting moons glow as the clouds cast their shadows like some foreboding that has yet to come. cool sounding but more confusing to the average reader. its a little too cryptic. I know you’re thinking thats what its supposed to be. but thus far you’ve done great with keeping a dark tone…but this is getting into EMO ( a term used to name a genre of teenage emotional music; and make fun of the same people alike) so yes this sentence was EMO near the end. clean that up while keeping the dark tone.
those were the only two things i have found. i loved this peice. your words and euphemisms really do a good job of weaving in and out of this horrible sight. with direct and indirect descriptions. it has inspired me
my biggest complaint is that it ends without ending…did you not have an ending…allow me to play muse for a second. Maybe he goes to his bathroom to wash the filth of adolescent gore from his mind. and finds bloody tools all over the bathroom floor in the tub and a blood trail out to the front room and out the door. and end it like that. so it insinuates he killed this baby in such a horrible manner.
please write more
JAs_jumper_cable reviewed Version 2 -
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This was a very odd and interesting piece. I really liked your comment about Jesus being a better sight, even after death, than the creature outside. It evokes many vivid, mental images for the reader. I think with a little work, it has plenty of potential.
You had a couple fragment sentences that could have been made changed slightly to be complete ones, or all added together to make one complete sentence.
“after crucification” spelled ‘crucifiction.’
“Even the blood that stained the wood, followed this twisting candy cane pattern.” I would remove the coma. Read the sentence again, it is not needed.
“beyond any humans vision” I think you meant humans’
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