Oh, yes. I know (for the most part) most of my grammar rules. I typed this hastily from an email I sent myself containing the lyrics so I know I may have slipped here and there.
Thanks for the review, I appreciate it :D
Lyrics / Fish Naked (Analysis)
Fish Naked:
(work in progress, two songs mixed that sort of doesn’t fit. Will edit over time or create fixed versions).
I do not understand
What if everything…was unknown?
Full of holes and lacking souls.
Blinking lights,
One for you and three for us.
You tell me that you’ve found it
And suddenly you’re lost.
You tell me that you feel it
And suddenly you’re numb
And you tell me not to put
All my eggs in one basket…
Make a sound and move back down
You pale imitation of the angels…
All strung out!
You think it’s funny?
But someone out there does not.
You tell me that you’ve found it
And suddenly you’re lost.
You tell me that you feel it
And suddenly you’re numb
And you tell me not to put
All my eggs in one basket…
Was I not cut out for you?
Because you were cut out for me
Am I the change you wish to see?
Am I the change you wish to see?
And I fall and fall and choke
And I’m brought down to my knees
And I scream and scream again
And I scream and scream again
And it’s a real travesty
And im floating out to sea
Im alive im alive and saved
Im alive im alive and saved
And im saved!
You tell me that you’ve found it
And suddenly you’re lost.
You tell me that you feel it
And suddenly you’re numb
And you tell me not to put
All my eggs in one basket…
How can I when all I got is yolk?
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inkstained reviewed Version 1 -
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I couldn’t make sense of this. I couldn’t get close enough to care about this lyric. And the last line was very strange for me.
I recommend editing this for clarity. Give us something to hook onto. You are trying to tell us something give us a chance to know what it is.
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Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
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I found both the reading of the poem and the reading of your intro interesting.
I would say the repeat of the “I’m alive” in this is overdone. I like repetition but somehow here it seems out of place.
All in all I found this a smooth flowing write.
cowgirl reviewed Version 1 -
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You need to work on your basic writing skills. For instance im should be I’m.
You say it is two different lyrics and it shows.
Keep writing. Practice, practice and practice.
Some deep thinking here but it is disassociated. Keep your plot together and follow through.
PIMckenzie reviewed Version 1 -
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Would like to hear the melody and maybe the words would fit.
I like classic poetry where rhyme and progression work hand in hand.
I can’t say much about your lyrics.
I can’t call it poetic so what do I call it?
You tell me.
A french singer called Jean Ferrat has done a masterful job at taking the poetry of Aragon and turning them into wonderful songs… Read as much as you can and learn form others, including the classic masters.
Bullyshero reviewed Version 1 -
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I read this several times, each time getting a little something different from the lyrics. However it is almost impossible to give a complete review without know what tune you were thinking of as you wrote this. I sort of follow your theme to a point. You may have a good work but as you yourself said, it is a work in progress, some of your verses did not seemed to belong with your repeat stanza. Continue working on this piece, next time you submit give the person an idea of what tune you were thinking of or humming as you wrote it. I believe this will allow for you to get a better review of your work. Talent is apparently there, fine tuning is needed.
Trish
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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I read ur Lyrics and to me it didn’t make much sense to me. I didn’t like it, i hope you do change it and make it more better then it is.
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