Lyrics / We found our song.

WOw. this was moving and universial which is half of a good song. THe only thing is there is no chorus. Mabey add some himming inbetween some of the lines and make it like the chorus… just a suggestion.

I saw a girl who danced all night she said she was calling for her mate

this line sounds as if you got some help from the rolling stones..  

this line reads very well ,, it’s like the smooth note following the rough ..

I think you did very well ,, I though maybe a little chorus would make it interesting .. hey keep writing ,,

your friend  Lookingbeyond

humm humm humm , I’m on the road
humm humm humm , I travel everywhere,
humm humm humm , I dream again
I’m the one who’ll dare ,

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August 02, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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157	88.2% (85 votes)	39.7%

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22	M	SF, CA	November 21

Thanks you sincerly. I’m happy you appreciate my passion. :)

August 03, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
157	88.2% (85 votes)	39.7%

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22	M	SF, CA	November 21

Thank you. I really appreciate your feedback. :)

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Many abstractions which are difficult to relate to without a lot of thought.

I’m sure you hear the music in your head but I have to ask who’s story are you trying to tell: yours, the horny girl or everyone’s?

i read ur poem/song nad i liked it. i didnt really know what kind of music u had in mind for the lyrics so i read it like a poem, it was a nice poem as well, i got stuck on one part of it but the rest was great. i kinda think u put to many humm’s at the end. i think 3 should do it.

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July 29, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
157	88.2% (85 votes)	39.7%

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22	M	SF, CA	November 21

Thank you that was very kind.

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I always love humming in a song. With the humming, and the joyful imagery (humming, flying, dreaming) words like “my troubled mind” seem out of place.

“Everybody wants to be…(through)...that is everything.” These lines feel cliche. Are they the point of the song? It seems there are too many possible points of the song, and it lacks focus. The first three stanzas starting with “If I…” are the only cohesive pattern I can find.

I would like to read another draft with more focus and a clear point.

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July 29, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
157	88.2% (85 votes)	39.7%

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22	M	SF, CA	November 21

Your criticism is detailed and to the point. Thank You. :)

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than life has given me a gift I’m happy to live with.
Note: Do you mean “Then life has given me a gift? ....
Note: You use “live” twice, here.
This has some good messages:”Everybody wants to be some kind of somebody.” I like this line because it is very true. I think you could make the sentences shorter. You could also take  some of the repetitive words out.
“I’d stack them high beyond the sky they’d reach for heavens hand” I think this could be said better. Do the heavens have a hand? I love music and i like anything written about it. There is some good stuff here. You just need to shorten up the sentneces and make sure the meaning is clear. Respectfully, SANDI.

hi there,

i agree with you, it’s more of a poem than a song, and a very good one at that.i like the way you faded in the end, as well as the consistent rhyming throughout the poem..well written, jim

   p.s. it’s hard to get published, you really gotta write something special….good luck…