thanks for the review, but it seemed a bit like you were trying to make it unintentionally long. Just say which line it is, I get it.
It was flash fiction. Straight from the brain, and the people wern’t meant to be fleshed out. I didn’t care about their family. Thank you for the good parts of the critique. Have a good one
Young Adult / Bacchanilian
“Bacchanalian”
By: Davida Clark
If it was a movie, the scene would have gone something like this:
The rain falls down heavily on a sea of people. The camera focuses on a Greenwich Village street corner, on a teenager, me.
My T shirt sticks to my skin, and my black hair falls stringy around my face, completely soaked with from shower-like downpour.
Brown eyes, once closed, are open and fogged over with pure ecstasy. A parade of rainbows passes in front of me as I raise my arms, screaming, flailing to the sound of the music.
The world goes into slow motion, and the music fades away. I’m left, in focus, with everyone behind me blurred. They’re all in their own world, celebrating their Pride. Music is gone, it would drown out the feelings; it’s replaced by a barely audible pulse.
I look around at my friends surrounding me; everything seems caught in an aqua dream. Rick and Adam hold hands, hips swinging to the music. They snog each other as if trying to get oxygen. My friends and I giggle like school girls and make sounds only comparable to war cries. The veins in our necks make our silent screams ring in the audience’s ears.
Jenni and Kathee jump on the grinding train, like a sexy sandwich. There’s not enough room for me to get on as well, but I’m fine; I’ve had my share of sensuality for the day.
But I watch them, happy in a way that I’d never known.
We weren’t high, we weren’t drunk; the feeling was natural, at one with other people. It didn’t matter how you looked, what you liked to do. Everyone cheered because you were there, and you had a common link.
It goes from being quiet as we laugh and celebrate, to unnervingly silent when we pan back to see the floats and parade people. You hear someone, charismatic, flamboyant (but not necessarily a guy), speaking through a bull horn.
“ARE YOU READY TO CELEBRATE BEING PROUD?”
All the people in the crowd shout and scream, clapping. “I’m Coming Out” begins playing and the parade, like a giant hot (now sunny) block party, begins moving normally once more.
The screen pans out, but the music doesn’t fade. The screen goes dark.
Every emotion that I feel; everything I experience, I try to find a word for. In my world, words are precise enough to have designated meanings, but creative enough for leeway. That’s why numbers suck; they make themselves permanent and exact.
I thought for a long time about a word for this… feeling. “Ecstatic” felt too loud, hard and happy. “Euphoric” only covered the happy, nothing else. “Hedonistic” felt good (even though I wasn’t all the way sure what it meant), it sounded like something amazing, sensual, ancient and pagan. I really liked “bacchanalian “. I remembered it from either history class, or Smithsonian. The only problem was there was no liquor for the drunken revelry. It was a natural, unnatural, strangely familiar, completely organic feeling.
It was the high point of my summer; a memorable summer. The air was different, thicker; full of the life I had yet to live.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
erinbell reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think I kinda see the direction this story is heading into, I didnt like so much the talking as if it were a movie. But thats only my opinion.
The suggestions I would have would be the following.
completely soaked with from shower-like downpour.--- take out the with
Make T shirt—T-shirt
like a sexy sandwich- i thought this was an odd metaphor. Maybe try something like the most delicious sandwich you could imagine. Or something like that. Just can’t recall ever seeing a sexy sandwich.
otherwise I think this is going in a pretty readable direction.
Good Luck!
- add/view comments (0)
cgendebien reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This sounds like a really happy time in your life. Not sure if it’s suited for most young adults, however, I’m 16 and I did enjoy it. There’s not really a good story line in this to put it in a book, great excerpt though. If you do choose to go in the direction of writing a book your writing talents will definitely provide you with a great base. I can tell from your writing quality that you would have no problem catching the eye of a publisher, it will all depend on you storyline. Good luck. :)
ATFord reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“If it was a movie, the scene would have gone something like this:”
This first line is useless. If you can help it, try not to start a story out with narrative. Begin with a lovely description, or some action. Something to draw your reader in. Remember, this is your hook. . .hook us.
My T shirt sticks to my skin, and my black hair falls stringy around my face, completely soaked with from shower-like downpour.
“with from”? I would also lose “shower-like,” and just say downpour. We get the idea from that.
We weren’t high, we weren’t drunk; the feeling was natural, at one with other people. It didn’t matter how you looked, what you liked to do. Everyone cheered because you were there, and you had a common link.
You switched tenses here. Watch out for that. You started in present tense, this is past, and you move back to present right after.
“ARE YOU READY TO CELEBRATE BEING PROUD?”
Lose the caps.
Interesting attempt, and you almost pulled it off. . .but it lacks character, lacks emotion. It feels like every person in the story is just some sort of zombie to the cause. We don’t care about them because, from what I can gather, all that defines them is their “pride” and nothing else. They’re not mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters; they’re just a sea of mindless people. Make us care for them.
dancefreak309 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 50% of the Item
Very good. I like the part about a sexy sandwich!!!!
throughxthexfire reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I liked the writing. The subject matter didn’t thrill me, I mean I have no problem with it at all, just I prefer reading more climactic things. But, I think your writing is great, and it makes me super jealous. x]
The story was good though..
Rika_Ricardson reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
That was an interesting piece, a little confusing at times, but full of imagery. My favorite line was “The air was different, thicker; full of the life I had yet to live”, as it created a very reflective feel to the piece.
JacquelynDavis reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love your writing style. I felt like I could feel your emotion. It reminds me of speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. Keep writing :)
Happy writing,
JD
misunderstood reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Beginning is good, not too much description but enough to envisage your main character and her surroundings. Similies to describe her surrounding were effective. Maybe rethink the sentences that relate to filming, they remind me of stage directions. In my opinion is nessesary. The piece is very effective though. Well done
HermiG reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think your main problem is structure. Your language seems quite … rich (good vocabulary), but as it is, I couldn’t understand it. It’s too unstructurated. You jump from the present tense to the past tense, your paragraps are LONG and the opening sentence really ticks me off.
“If it was a movie, the scene would have gone something like this:”
The problem is, this isn’t a movie. This is a written text. This first sentence seems more like a note to yourself than part of the rest of the “story”. Anyway, why do you want to write it like a movie? Something like “It reminded me of a scene in my favourite story” would make a lot more sense, but I suggest leaving it out.
Your writing seems to be very good, though, so this has potential!
fruityness12 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I think this would be fit for adults.. The writing is good, but I definitely think this should be longer.
Showing 1 - 10 of 15
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
16 Reviews 10 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 282 Times
Skipped: 13 Times
Ratings & Rankings
