Sorry for the late comment, but I will definitely loo into it mate thanks alot for your advice and reveiw…
Amy
Poetry / Back To Basics
Back to the world of shady clothes,
Black nails, black eye liner,
Everything that some people loathe
Traded in dresses for jeans of comfort,
Traded in diets for temptation,
like pizzas,burgers and other outlets
Some say go for it,
Others say no
I say fuck you all,
What I say goes!
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Caroline24 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is clearly a statement, a declaration. To hell with convention and all the rules. The narrator is just sick of being “nice” and “acceptable.”
I really like the first stanza.
The third line in stanza two could be better. What it says is it’s all about food and diet. “Outlets” is vague. The other thing about this stanza is you’ve got some rhyme in one and three (“clothes/loathe, and “no/goes”), which is not perfect but it works. For consistency I’d try to put some in stanza two.
Otherwise, it’s a great little piece.
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10pfrw06 reviewed Version 2 -
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A very strong piece where you surely communicate a turn in someone’s dircetion.
Though short, I enjoyed the passion that it created.
thepastinfuture reviewed Version 2 -
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This sounds like a great big middle finger raised to any and all people who have tried to tell you how you “should” act. I think you could probably give this idea some more form, some more substance to go with the emotion if you focused on the patterns in your words. Read it aloud and work from the point of hearing what you put to paper, this always helps me to get things moving the way I want.
roguescholar reviewed Version 2 -
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nice poem. A good little fuck you to conformity and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations of the mainstream masses
traceylb reviewed Version 2 -
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Amen sister. It sounds like a real person and some superficial barbie wannabe.(LOL) I got the feeling that the size 0 days are over and you want to be comfortable as you are. Hurray if only society would take that stance. I mean who ever heard of overweight people being from outer space? Only in the real world so to say.
thank you amy walker
Marvin reviewed Version 2 -
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First stanza evokes images of goth kids. ”black” “shady” “black”.
Hmmm…well, the last two lines tell me that the narrator is stubborn and a non-conformist. Or so he thinks. Well, stubborn, yes, non-conformist- that remains to be seen.
I think they have entire stores dedicated to a “goth” generation and so it’s ironic to me when these cats think they’re being different. You can buy a goth uniform at any mall.
“like pizzas,burgers and other outlets”—i felt like this line trailed off into a self-indulgent pool of apathy. That’s cool to keep with a “fuck you i’m a punk rocker” attitude, but it breaks up the poem (for me anyway) and not in a smooth way.
Round everything up with a sense of pretension and there you have it.
It’s good. Reminds me of the Sex Pistols for some reason. A man tries out the “sell-out” culture and subsequently rejects it. Anthem for the disenchanted.
Thanks for sharing.
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the beginning, it has potential, there’s a nice lilt and energy to it, though I’m not sure what shady clothes actually are. Be more specific. S2 works except for other outlets as it’s all about food and the rhyme scheme is not in keeping with S1. Then the poem shifts dramatically to a personal statement, why ask anyone’s opinion if the narrator is so adamant about what she says goes? Better I think to have created a stanza that shows how she thinks of other peoples attitudes who judge her than just telling us “What I say goes.” Keep the same tone and point of view throughout and the poem will be stronger. Simply it means that the narrator has decided to bow out of convention and do whatever the hell she feels like that makes her comfortable.
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