Made me smile. Thanks for the review.
Flash Fiction / Daydream
With a wistful smile tugging at her lips, she walked barefoot on the lawn in the early hours of the morning, standing as tall and proud as the worn-out house behind her, half-dreaming, her senses evoking memories of a childhood spent roaming the woods just beyond her vision, her eyes reflecting the hues of the sunrise and her melancholy heart, immersing herself in the sweet scent of the honeysuckle, spring grasses, and sunshine, before returning to her grandmother’s kitchen, seeking out the warmth of familial love, companionship, and hot tea. It hadn’t been this quiet in years, at least not that she could remember. There were always children playing, dogs barking, or trucks lumbering past. Not today though. It was almost as if the world had stopped, at least for this one balmy Southern morning, perhaps a gesture of mourning for her mother’s death. It could have been all in her mind, she could have blocked out all sound from entering her mind, but the cheerful chirping of the birds in the trees around her made her think otherwise.
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Marvin reviewed Version 3 -
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burnvictim reviewed Version 3 -
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Treatsa reviewed Version 3 -
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If this isn’t the opening to a story I don’t know what is.
The only change I might make is where you say, “Not today though. It was as…”
You have this elegant flow up until that point. Unless your intention is to halt it there, to drag us kicking and wailing into reality.
Well done.
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drbailey reviewed Version 3 -
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Revision.
I have to say this is a HUGE improvement over the first piece I reviewed. I love the way in which you removed the blatant declaration of a death. Instead you made subtle reference with mourning and I think it improved the piece considerably.
Other things I really liked about this revision:
The detail of the grandmothers actions. This is fluid and the image is crisp. She places with the pattern of the saucer which I could actually see in my mind. I could also smell the toast.
The screen door description—especially the audible sounds.
Looking forward to reading the rest of the story.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
drbailey reviewed Version 2 -
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Dear Stranger,
And very cool assignment for composition. My favorite assignment in a workshop was for everyone in the workshop (about 10 people) to come up with a word each and all ten words would have to be used in a piece of flash fiction. This ended strangely, but perhaps is a story for another time.
I really wanted to see some thought in the main sentence. Something shes thinking about during this day dream, instead of just descriptives. This could be difficult to pull off, but perhaps shes thinking about the shell of silence that seems to be present in the piece (Which is done well).
Furthermore, it would be put a different spin on the tone of the story if you made the mother’s death less evident (by saying mother’s death). I felt a foreboding presence in the story up until I read mother’s death, and then that feeling went away and things didnt seem as frightening.
I hope any of these suggestions help. It is an interesting experiment.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
RagAMuffin reviewed Version 2 -
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I really enjoyed this piece. The imagery was beautiful, like poetry. Is it ok if I just praise it?
pjwilson reviewed Version 2 -
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I am waiting for your story, as I sit here, inscribing the review—I question if you are an English major, for the person sitting here, reading your work, writing this critique, faithfully is. I admire your use of free modifiers; this is ingenious writing at its optimum. Keep up the good work, and again, I am waiting for the rest…
acrylic12 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like this. I loved all the description, and there really isn’t much that I would change! Soory if this doesn’t help :(
Allex_Spires reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall it’s a nice little story but you spend too much time trying to make what is already pretty seem pretty. I’d prefer it if you’d just tell the story.
Punctuation.
With a wistful smile tugging at her lips. . . .and hot tea.
[This is a run-on sentence; a period is not the only way to stop at the end of a clause, neither is a comma… up there you’ve got dashes conjoining words, you can also use another dash--known as an em dash, not to be confused with an en dash--to conjoin parts of sentences that might not naturally seem to fit together (as phrases don’t always tie together into coherent sentences on commas and periods, alone) it’s not too hard with eighty-nine words, as I just used, or even if you used a hundred; you just need to know how to appropriate punctuation to your advantage… and remember to stop for a breath at ellipses and periods]
worn-out house behind her[SEMICOLON] half-dreaming
memories of a childhood spent roaming the woods just beyond her vision,
[Please clarify this, it doesn’t seem to read properly at first. I think that if you replace the word “of” with an em dash, and put another after “woods”, it will read more coherently.]
memories--a childhood spent roaming the woods--just beyond her vision,
her melancholy heart[SEMICOLON][SUGGESTION: She immerses] herself in the sweet scent[<-should be plural: SCENTS]
seeking out[<-OMIT SUPERFLUOUS WORDS, PURPLE PROSE, AND CLICHE TERMS]
the warmth of. . . .hot tea.[<-Tea’s temperature is already implied]
shannygoat reviewed Version 2 -
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I would love to read the entire story. In just that paragraph I found the description to be amazing, without it being overkill. I could imagine a woman in a summer dress standing barefoot in the kitchen, looking out an old screen door, and the gentle hum of summer bugs outside. The kitchen was warm and inviting although the house was still. And she’s seemingly lost in her thoughts…
That was really good for just one paragraph.
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Version 2
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