Poetry / Torch Run

And how about “strong” “wrong,” “on” and “run”? There was also “light” that rhymes with the words you have mentioned.

I’m not trying to discredit you. I should have deleted this. I have a new, much longer version that all rhymes. It is a spoken word piece. It’s being published this month. After that happens I’ll submit it to this forum. Thanks for the review. I appreciate your interest.

I was hesitant to open such a lengthy review but I’m glad I did. Thanks.

Thanks!

Thanks Joel, this is awesome. It’s 12:45 am where I am and I have to go to bed. I’m giving this my first priority tomorrow when my mind is more awake. Check back. C.

You have some good, but challenging suggestions. The first one is possible.

The second I’m not so sure. I did originally have “feeds” but it wasn’t strong enough. “Introspection” isn’t either and has an extra syllable than “contention.” I wasn’t 100% happy with “contention” but couldn’t find a better way to say “controversy,” other than “controversy,” which was too long sounding. I also had “contention in an unfair world” but nixed that, too.

I’ll have to think a bit about your next suggestion. You likely got this, but “red” had this double meaning of “China” and “anger.”

S5 You’re absolutely right here, I shortchanged her a bit. I’ll try to fix that. Your “fight” reference had me a bit puzzled, but I’ll play with it.

“Like she is supposed to” is a bit weak. I wanted her to follow protocol, maybe I’ll use “protocol.”

“What you see” did give me some problems.
I did like “shed much light,” though, but I’ll re-examine it.

Someone else in a previous version mentioned my penchant for “and.” I actually took two out. I had a Leonard Cohen song, Suzanne, in my head at the time, where every line starts with “and.” It worked for him. I’ll try to eliminate more of them.

Your last suggestion is a valid one.

Thanks so much for all your work here. You’ve picked out some of the spots that were giving me trouble and others that should have. You should see the very first version. It had a cat in it and a great line I was way too attached to.  Caroline

I’m with you on the great lines that have to be cut, my sympathies.

Feel free to use or not use any of my suggestions. I can’t know the total thrust of your work, only you can. It seems to me that when one starts reviewing another person’s work (and their own for that matter) the ability to read the piece as a whole thing is greatly diminished. Thus, I never truly trust a review.

Maybe something like, ‘in her hands, the fuel of contention…unwelcome in the eyes of an unjust world. Those suggested lines of course ignore meter and flow. I offer them only as examples of workable bends in the wording.

I will admit that I missed the ‘red’ connection. And I shouldn’t have. Perhaps if you flagged the word with a clue the double-entendre nature of it would stand out stronger. “People look…with hard eyes that see only adamantine red” I’ll grant that example is way clumsy, but you see my point. Unfortunately, in a poem (the quintessential struggle for space against effect), sometimes you have to leave soft spots. In such cases, just explain to the critics that they are Persian flaws built in to avoid offending God.

You have ‘right’ ‘hindsight’ and ‘fight’ ending the last three lines of that stanza. This breaks the rhythm of the piece, causing the reader’s brain to feel like it entered a loop. If instead you take the last line and embed the rhyme point at the beginning, you will add dimensionality to it. By using fighting you take a hard point ending sound ‘ite’ and go a step further and embed it in the middle of a word that is itself embedded. This can be a powerful metric transition. You often hear it in music. As an example.

They struggled through the withering night
enabled by morning’s promised light
fighting, fearing, and carrying the weight
of their children’s breath.

I’ll put embed points in brackets (that I be clear)

They strugg[led] through the withering night
enab[led] by morning’s promised light
[f][ear]ing, and c[arr]ying the weigh[t]
of their children’s breath.

Two soft points ‘struggled’ to ‘enabled’. The night, light, fighting. Off of fighting and to continue the cleverness, fighting fearing. Then to be even more clever, fearing to carrying. Weight ends the rhyme progressing by continuing the ‘t’ end but turning the rhyme sideways so it isn’t quite right (fight relates to weight but I can’t explain exactly how beyond saying that it is like an angular skew of a picture.

Or even as is expected. Something to change energy focus. It isn’t her choice, it is the choice of that which possesses the force that compels her to act in a way contrary to her preferred moral response. For instance, ‘I did what I did because he made me.’, or, ‘I did what I did because he held a gun to my head’, or, ‘I did what I did because Adolf Hitler ruled our world and to do otherwise would mean suffering the fate of the victims beneath my hand’. Granting the last line is a bit long, I don’t have a poem in which to smear that information around and thus be subtle. In other words, show me the face of that which compels her to act against her judgement. The more scary that face, the stronger the value of her decision.

I think ‘shed’ is the weakest part of that line. Maybe I just don’t like that word, heh. I’d like to see in your condensed words something to the effect of, ‘her torch is a symbol, it isn’t made for light’. Perhaps even adding a line or two in another part of the poem that is explained or expounded upon by the line in question.

I really didn’t have much of a problem with the ‘and’ beginnings, I was only pointing it out. No worries.

Anyway, glad to be of help,

Joel.

This is exactly the kind of thing I need. I liked this poem but I did really struggle with it. I think it’s because I wanted to cover particular ideas that are topical/political so there seemed less flexibility. Your suggestions seem worthy of scrutiny (again – tomorrow when I’m not work-weary). I am most grateful for this in depth analysis. Your attention to the soft and hard sounds are interesting. Did you take a linguistics course at some point? I did but couldn’t do it and dropped it. Dipthong’s and the like. Anyway, thanks again and I might ask you to clarify something once I go at it. Caroline

Feel free to ask what you like, I’m glad to help.

No, I’ve never taken a linguistics course, but I am interested in the subject. Basically, I’m a natural poet. I write purely from intuition. I throw pots the same way. I think we all know in our hearts what is balanced, all that is lacking is the confidence to accept our hearts over our minds.

Joel.

It’s the way of the world. Nothing is innocent anymore. Something that involves so many countries is bound to attract all sorts of political agendas.

I put 951 on urbis for review last year.

951 Gaspra a Flora asteroid orbits the Sun between Mars and Jupiter. Its rocky metallic surface is pocked with impact craters.

Saint Romuald born in 951 f*cked himself stupid as a youth & left home when he saw his daddy Sergius kill his opposite in a duel.  Rommy became a monk & wrote, ‘Empty yourself completely. Sit waiting like the chick who tastes nothing & eats nothing but what her mother brings him.’ He got canon’s eyes for that & did rather well in real estate.

Emperor Shizong also known as Wuyu was a drunk who liked to hunt. Wuyu took to the field in 951 & stopped Chinese advance. He was brutally butchered by his own officer after the battle.

Born 951 Grigor Narekatsi, Armenian monk, poet, mystical philosopher & theologian. His father Khosrov was archbishop. Grigor wrote ‘on exposing the unseen, on the disclosure of secrets, on laying open the cover up.’

Donald Rumsfeld, Champion of Aspartame 951 that sweet poison & architect of the Iraq invasion said, in an interview with the New York Times,  ‘Oh my goodness gracious me, we can know an awful lot of what is going on in this world by punching a mouse on its nose.  I’m standing here doing something & I think, what in the world am I doing here?  It’s a big surprise.’  The Don once, ‘ferocious in pursuing what he wants’  now dwells in an adobe house, across from a working dairy farm. His family has horses, a donkey, a mule, cats, and Reggie the dog.  Joyce his missus said, ‘Don has the Reaganesque fixation with clearing brush and chopping wood.   They ride, ski, hike, fish, and skate on the dairy farm pond.’  The people of Iraq & Afghanistan must be wishing him well in his retirement.

I put 951 on urbis for review last year.

  951 Gaspra a Flora asteroid orbits the Sun between Mars and Jupiter. Its rocky metallic surface is pocked with impact craters.

  Saint Romuald born in 951 f*cked himself stupid as a youth & left home when he saw his daddy Sergius kill his opposite in a duel.  Rommy became a monk & wrote, ‘Empty yourself completely. Sit waiting like the chick who tastes nothing & eats nothing but what her mother brings him.’ He got canon’s eyes for that & did rather well in real estate.

  Emperor Shizong also known as Wuyu was a drunk who liked to hunt. Wuyu took to the field in 951 & stopped Chinese advance. He was brutally butchered by his own officer after the battle.

  Born 951 Grigor Narekatsi, Armenian monk, poet, mystical philosopher & theologian. His father Khosrov was archbishop. Grigor wrote ‘on exposing the unseen, on the disclosure of secrets, on laying open the cover up.’

  Donald Rumsfeld, Champion of Aspartame 951 that sweet poison & architect of the Iraq invasion said, in an interview with the New York Times,  ‘Oh my goodness gracious me, we can know an awful lot of what is going on in this world by punching a mouse on its nose.  I’m standing here doing something & I think, what in the world am I doing here?  It’s a big surprise.’  The Don once, ‘ferocious in pursuing what he wants’  now dwells in an adobe house, across from a working dairy farm. His family has horses, a donkey, a mule, cats, and Reggie the dog.  Joyce his missus said, ‘Don has the Reaganesque fixation with clearing brush and chopping wood.   They ride, ski, hike, fish, and skate on the dairy farm pond.’  The people of Iraq & Afghanistan must be wishing him well in his retirement.

That’s hilarious. (By the way, I get those dammed double comment clicks, too. I see them a lot).

I wrote to celebrate the reign of George W Bushit. It made it’s debut after many revisions on urbis too.

The American Eagle

Radio on the wall play us the number one the hit song,
‘the American Eagle has no brains it flies into walls.’
Francesca the most mysterious person he never really knew
despite her outrageously wacky hat she did know all about sex said,
‘this head automatically turns off any thing in bad taste.’
Then when she had nailed everyone’s rapt attention
‘you can tell people about witchcraft but you can’t lead them to it.’
That set everyone with presents back on their high heels.
Radio on the wall play us a great tune or go to hell,
‘Yes it is Francesca here.’ The Radio kept blaring rap crap while she sang,
‘If you don’t possess a purple tiffany box
you can’t expect to grow like a yellow daisy.’
‘Radio on the wall tell me why, why do American Eagles
fly into walls and knock their brains out.’
Francesca got off the phone jiggling like a teabag
& shouted out to all within range,
‘I need to have a pee desperately,’
& she left right left right left right left with Staggers
& her kittens following in single file tails between their legs.
‘Radio on the wall why do American Eagles hit the wall?’
With his last gasp in extreme agony he wheezed,
‘The American Eagle has no brains it flies into walls.’
Unwanted, alone, uncared for, now stone dead,
his crocodile skin boots still sit in the repair shop.
Remember his last wish was to expire with perfect plastic teeth.
Those shining eyes could only be described as terminal fireballs.
He fried with extreme prejudice in the updraft.
‘Radio on the wall play us all a bugle call.’
The monster python swallowed a whole sheep
& never spat out any shredded wool.
‘Radio on the wall a song to aid digestion, if you please.’
After my farewell remarks Francesca  pressed the END
continuously but it did not END.
Heaven does not kick in until you’re dead.
Radio on the wall I am tired of poets, give me history.

Well here’s the interesting thing: wWhen I first saw this situation unfolding, I was furious with the protesters. I thought this is the freaking Olympics, lay off the athletes who’ve worked for years to get here, but then I found out that the torch run itself does not go back to ancient Greece. Adolf Hitler started it in the 40’s when the Olympics were held in Berlin. He hand picked these fantastic Aryan specimens to run across Europe carrying this damned torch to show the world what a superior race the Germans were in his estimation. When I heard this, I thought, yes this is probably a really good time to stage a protest. The world is watching. I’ve also read that China is trying to win the world’s favour so we’ll continue buying all their disposable, chemical tainted shit in our cheap shit stores (just an aside here: I was in Home Depot yesterday and found out the beautiful patio furniture they advertised was “pulled” due to lead in the paint. It was sent back to China). Where was I? Oh, yes…China. I’ve heard they do care about what the world thinks and need some strong reminders to smarten the hell up, and that a protest might get their attention. So I thought this might not be a bad idea, but I still had to feel for the poor woman I saw smiling nervously, surrounded by thugs in San Francisco when she probably was only trying to realize a dream.

Sorry about the typo in the first line. I got carried away.

What China has been doing in Tibet in the last 50 years doesn’t bear comparison with what the US has done in the last 5 years in Iraq. Lin

So now you’re using this forum to air your own political views. That’s fine, I don’t mind. But the situation I wrote about was about the Chinese.

The other thing I might point out is that the whole world knows what the Americans did, except maybe a few Americans whose news is censored. The Chinese have been doing things quietly for many years. Now finally, the eyes of the world are looking at them. What was it Marshall McLuhan said? We have indeed become a “global village.”