Poetry / Reckless Motive

You start out with powerful action words and a benefit may come from expanding and decribing those actions.  Help the reader feel what you felt and how reckless and careless “benefited” you or especially how you thought it might.  It helps the reader identify with the writer or the story in general, otherwise it is all just meaningless words, except to you of course, because you lived it and know what it was like.  Let me know.

like a pestering itch…a good use of structure and explaination here.

I’ve found a new prayer,
a new story to embrace
I can not tell you how sorry I am
If only I saw your face…the last sentence here doesn’t flow as well as the others.

I would like to see an expansion of the entire piece, increased detail.  I feel there is no real texture, just simple words although the thought you are trying to express is major and important; a lesson in maturity and change.  Please let me know if you revise, I would like to see it again and thank you for the opportunity.

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September 28, 2008

by AmyWalker

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You brought up quite afew very valuable tips
for me so I shall definitely go back and think on this piece.

Thanks for the heads up and sorry for the late reply

Amy

September 30, 2008

by sadpoet

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It’s OK and good luck…cute icon!

October 02, 2008

by AmyWalker

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Hahaha, Thanks!

October 02, 2008

by sadpoet

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Your welcome!

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flow, the imagery and the emotions

When we address flow, we talk about cadence, alliteration, ryhme and near rhyme:
not in order of importance, but last stanza ”/reckless … /careless, ...” this is good, it is not rhyme. It is alliteration.
Just has you have in the 1st 2 lines of 1 & 2 stz.
You don’t have any imagery. You need to describe your nouns. give the reader a sense of the 5 senses.

cliche’: ship has sailed. Do not use. You could describe this line as a bloated liner, white and sick.

Research poet laureates and read their poetry. this is addressed to your ratings/rankings. I know this is tough, but you are among thousands of poets trying to be recognized.

Blessings, Gbryan. And, for God’s sake forgive my grammar.

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September 28, 2008

by AmyWalker

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Hahahahaha no worries dude you mentioned quite afew things I will definitely take into consideration yeah about the ship has sailed thing I’m quite disappointed
that I resorted to using that line damn it!
hahahaaha but not to worry I’m not too fond of this poem anymore so I’ll go back on this for sure it was a spur of the moment poem and I didn’t think at all with this one I rushed this and I shouldn’t have but well lets just say I’m an impatient poet hahaha but I thank you ever so much for your insightful review

Amy

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I like how you made the end of this poem a chance of character for the narrator(I think I spelled that wrong but oh well :P)

Some of this piece did not flow very well, mainly the 3rd stanza.

But overall I enjoyed reading this…Kudos!

I like poem that move and this one sways up and down, back and forth like on the ocean.  I am too fond of water metaphors for the movement of life, the whims, the desires, the needs that come and go, the shapes that never settle, that are never the same, that you can never get back, whether you want to or not.

I like the way it leaps along, it feels like you had an urgency to put pen to paper as if you were about to lose something. I enjoyed it

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July 24, 2008

by AmyWalker

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Thanks alot, yeah it was all coming to me at once so I typed it all out on the computer and posted it up I didn’t actually read it I just posted it up hahahaha but I’m glad you liked it thanks alot for your review mate

Amy

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this is a nice poem. it could be about growing up and away from a more reckless youth, or leaving a lover. I especially enjoyed the lines:

I tossed away all the words I once knew,
Forgot about the memories,
even the ones with you

it’s a nice ambiguity between speaking to another or one’s self.

I don’t quite understand the “to see what you guys come up with after reading it” criteria, not sure what’s meant by that.

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July 24, 2008

by AmyWalker

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Basically I just wrote this off the top of my head I don’t actually read what I write I just post it up once written and see what you guys get from what I’ve written b\c then I read it afterwards… it’s just the way I work really but I am glad you liked it.

Thanks for your review,

Amy

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The ideas in this poem are good and the words are really simple. There is a good rhyme scheme but it has been abandoned midway and a couple of interesting images. Can be improvised upon. :-)

Really Great, Awesome Poem. The Flow is Smooth, Words in a stream! The imagery is very great as well. Make me think of someone who kind of outgrown someone they love.

“The ship has sailed,
leaving a passenger behind,
My ocean is no longer deep enough,
to hold the both of us anymore”

My favorite verse. The ending “just a passing thought” line is the cherry on the sundae. the image of all these words and feelings just being part of one single, momentary thought, that’s life in general. Awesome!

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July 23, 2008

by AmyWalker

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22	F	Saint Helena	December 02

Wow!!!

Thank you!!! This poem truly was just a passing thought with so many words in it hahaha I’m glad you liked it I wasn’t really sure what to think with this poem b\c it was just so random for me to write so I’m just truly glad you liked it….

Thank you again for your awesome review you just made my day hahaha

Thanks mate,

Amy

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