Poetry / Understanding (Analysis)

I like the overall feeling of the peice, but I feel that some of its wording could be revamped for a stronger punch. The first one that hit me was “fake facade.” I’d personally take fake out, too redundant, but that’s me. I think your fourth stanza is good, but you can probably find I different way to get the same image across. As it is, it stands out from the rest of the work. That may be what you want, but I think there is a way you can make it mesh and stand out all at once. I won’t tell you how, this is your story to tell, a painful and wonderful one, at that. Good luck.

Not much to critique – I really liked it. It was understandable and had a nice flow. The only things I can  mention is to check the spelling of refletion and forgive me I had to look up the word stolid. At first I thought it was a mis-spelling.

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August 08, 2008

by blondy1834

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
24	71.4% (14 votes)	26.8%

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24			August 17

Thank you. I actually changed reflection to countenance in version 3 of this poem.

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I like this overall.  Here are just a few things I noticed:

- First stanza “be” and “alive” don’t rhyme, but in the second stanza “stop” and “top” do rhyme.  I like the second one better.  It’s a poem, and call me old fashioned, but rhyming works.  I feel the same about the other parts that don’t rhyme. I wouldn’t try to rhyme it all, because it works as it; but I like the first and last lines rhyming

- “As I open my eyes for the very last time I see your refletion above.”  Reflection.  And I’m not an expert in the field, but I think underwater you don’t see a reflection, but just a distorted image.  That might actually give more word ammo for a better image.  Good luck.

B.

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August 02, 2008

by blondy1834

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24	71.4% (14 votes)	26.8%

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24			August 17

Thank you for your comments. I didn’t notice the misspelling of reflection. And now that you mention it, you don’t see a reflection while under water. HaHa. I will give it a bit more thought and try to come up with a better word. Again, thank you for your review!

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This was such a breathe taking piece. I truely loved this. Beautifully written. Sounds like it should be a song or somwthing.

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July 28, 2008

by blondy1834

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24	71.4% (14 votes)	26.8%

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24			August 17

It was originally written as a song. But I could never get the music right with it. I personally think it needs some work, but thank you for your comment. :)

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i read ur poem and i thought it was very powerful and ur poem tells me ur hurting deep down inside. that ws a very good poem, it is one of my favs.

I can totally relate to this. You wrote my thoughts almost exactly. I’m sure many other people can relate as well. Just a couple things that distracted me: there wasn’t a consistent rhyme scheme. Sometimes it rhymed, but most of the time it didn’t. I kept looking/listening for a pattern, but it was hard to make if flow. Also, maybe put the lines into stanzas with the same number of lines – the longer stanzas are almost too much to read in one thought. Maybe use a little more imagery too?
This is a good piece. Work on it a bit and I’m sure it can be turned into something amazing. =]

i loved this. everyone feels this way at one point in their life. and it is crushing. sitting there, just wanting someone to really understand you. to feel what you are saying. to show to you that they love you. and all you want is that. and they cannot get to that level where you sit and wait, hoping one day he/she will change and feel the same. to be able to give you what you need. and you sink; you feel so low for not getting that love returned.

This is a nice poem, overall. It does a good job of conveying a feeling of hopelessness in one’s situation. I do wish the person to whom the narrator was speaking was qualified a bit more. I’m assuming it’s a spouse, but…one can never be too sure about such things, in the world of poetry.

I don’t know much about poetry, but I do know that this piece moved me. I find myself struggling to keep my head above water, and I to feel that know one here’s my cry’s for help. Everyone wants me to make more, and more money. I just want to finish my book.

I really enjoyed this piece. Please continue to keep writing.