thanks…I was trying to keep it as short as possible, but I could see a more detailed showing of the station helping the overall piece.
Non-fiction / Home Sweet Home
Two days post Christmas, 1995…Amsterdam…
We sat in the train station at 5:am…It was a good holiday, the first white Christmas Amsterdam had seen in as many years as I had been alive…We were convinced we’d miss our train if we slept the night before, so 3 hours early for the ride back to London, we found ourselves waiting to leave wonderland. Hunched over on a bench, collar pulled up around my ears, I drifted in and out of sleep, occasionally catching a chill from the wind sweeping through…
“This is what it feels like to be homeless,” I thought to myself, as we sat staring at cold empty tracks…
My buddy Stan put on his earphones and melted away into a mix tape, as I looked around the station…We were the only ones there, save for an old bum with dreadlocks, carrying an umbrella so far down the tracks, he was barely more than a fuzzy silhouette…I coughed, my lungs tired from the trip, and heard the echo ring through…
This was a golden opportunity. I pulled out my harmonica and let it wail, the slowest blues riff I could conjure…I wailed as if I were a troubled soul with a dark cloud hanging in my past…Perhaps I was…Time waters down context…
My private jam was cut short as the homeless dread walked past, followed closely by a dutch cop. The homeless man was yelling at the law as they passed. He was an american, with the most generic of inner city dialects…
suddenly, I felt homesick.
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Nani reviewed Version 1 -
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This was so well written that I wished there were more to it. Not sure why we need to know it’s 1995, it could be anytime… (note use of elipses).
It would be interesting to hear from the narrator what it is that is missed about home. But otherwise, it is interesting, if a little brief.
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aliciapie23 reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, having been to that train station, I could imagine the scene fairly easily. I liked what I read but would’ve been interested to hear some recollection of the previous evening (if not any other portion of the trip) since you mention having gotten no sleep at all. Also more specific descriptions in general: of your traveling companion, the train station, Amsterdam, etc…would help readers who haven’t been there to picture the scene more clearly.
A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 1 -
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Ellipses aside, I enjoyed this. The imagery of the bum was nicely done, as well as the arriving-early-for-the-station part. I would’ve liked to see a description of Stan, but other than that, it was pretty cool. Nice job!
gting reviewed Version 1 -
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Why do you keep using multiple dots instead of full stops? A full stop used correctly is enough punctuation to signify a pause. In fact I think you need to re evaluate your use of punctuation in the whole piece. Their are sentences that you can chop in two and this will help build your sense of rhythm and set a pace. It will also strengthen your content because everything will flow as it should.
That said, i really like your last line, it is a great ending.
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