Thanks for another helpful review.!
“Some people might think that Lauriana wouldn’t believe Martika so easily,” Under normal circumstances I sure she would have, but Martika is partially right and Lauriana had only known Mikell for about a month and you could say she’s under a little bit of pressure;)
“I noticed during the discussion over dinner, Jenessa, Winnie, Tandril and Ash comment on Mikell’s love for Lauriana, but Marcus and Sheridan stay silent?”
You’re right, I don’t think Marcus would be able to keep his mouth shut. I’ll add a line or too for the brothers.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Maser's Lair - Chapter Eleven and Recap (Analysis)
Chapter Eleven
-1-
The aroma of freshly baked pastries filled her nose. Her eyes popped open and squinted against the intense sunlight. How long had she slept? Mikell smiled at her. He was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“How’d you sleep?”
“Okay, I guess. I still feel worn out.” Her ribs no longer hurt, but she felt like she’d gone weeks without sleep and all her limbs felt leaden. Lauriana yawned and pointed to the tray of food sitting on the small table next to the bed. “What’s all this?”
“You need your rest so I decided to bring to you.”
“I don’t need to eat in bed.” She tried to sit up, but Mikell gently pushed her back.
“You’re not getting out of that bed until you’ve finished eating.”
“You win.” She realized she was famished and propped herself up. He handed her the tray with a plate with pastries and biscuits, a bowl of berries and more of Ash’s tea. This time the tea wasn’t as strong and was supposed to help her relax and not make her sleepy.
Lauriana popped the last berry into her mouth, emptied her teacup, wiped the corners of her mouth with a napkin, and threw it on the tray. “Now what?”
He held out his hand. “Now you will have to come with me. I have a surprise for you.”
Mikell led her to a part of his training garden she’d never seen before. “This is a hot spring.” He winked at her. “It’ll make you feel like a new woman. I’ll let you soak in peace. I’ll be back later.”
She watched him leave. He’d done a good job of hiding it, but she knew he was worried about her. She undressed and eased herself into the water. Of course, she was worried too. Part of her expected someone to jump out of the shadows at any moment and attack. At least she knew no one could get into the magical garden. The heat of the spring relaxed her aching muscles. Between all the stress she was under and the heavy training, her muscles were so tight they felt like they were on the verge of snapping. The hot water eased the tension away. She laid her head back and soon dozed off.
-2-
Zeke sat at his desk in his study and Ash sat across from him. She puffed on her pipe as she read. He was helping her reread some of the more important chapters of prophecy. If there was a way to help those young people, they’d find it. He closed the ancient text and tossed it to the corner of the desk. A puff of dust blew in his face and he coughed as he grabbed the next book in his stack.
He looked up from the book and cocked his head. The room filled with a faint ringing sound.
“What be that noise?” Ash asked without looking up from her reading.
Zeke held his hand up and listened as the ringing grew louder. “It means that a stranger is approaching the Keep. I better find out who it is.”
He disappeared and in an instant reappeared at the gate. An attractive young woman escorted by two men, swords for hire by the looks of them, stepped out of the trees and approached. The men had no discernable uniform and long unkempt hair. The woman had a presence about her the wizard didn’t like. She looked him over, smoothed the bodice of her skin tight dress and tossed her chin in the air.
“I am looking for Prince Riverside. Is he here?”
Zeke could sense that even though this woman was outwardly attractive, that was as deep as the beauty went. “May I ask who you might be, young lady?” Zeke asked in a nice as voice as he could muster. He knew this woman would only cause trouble.
“I am Lady Martika Ravensdale. The prince is my betrothed and I’m here to take him back home so we can be wed.” Her eyes locked with his in a challenge. “I will not leave without him.”
“I see.” Zeke stroked his beard. “Well the Prince is out of the Keep for the day I do not expect him back until late this evening.”
“In that case you will provide me with proper accommodations while I wait.”
“As you wish.” Zeke turned and headed back to the Keep. “Follow me.” He would not teleport the likes of this woman.
Martika turned to her guards. “Return to the camp and wait for me there.”
Zeke led her to the Great Hall where she could rest and dine. He knew that Mikell was spending the day in his training garden with Lauriana and he was not going to interrupt. He knew this woman was not telling the truth. Make her wait, he decided. She will be brewing trouble soon enough. He thought about sending her on her way, but he had found that trouble is best met head on. Try to divert it and it came back at you in ways you’d never expect.
Times like these that Zeke regretted taking the Wizard’s Oath. It’d be easier just to turn the woman into a shrew. Alas, turning someone into a shrew because she is an unpleasant person was an irresponsible use of magic. All wizards had to swear an oath to use magic responsibly. When he swore the oath, he was bound by magic. Doing something against the oath could cause great pain, even death if the infraction was big enough.
-3-
Mikell spent most of the day roaming in the garden with his love. He showed her as many of his favorite spots as time permitted. The vastness of his magical garden never ceased to amaze him. He could have showed her sights for three days and still not cover it all. At midday, they sat by the stream and had a picnic lunch. They talked, took long walks, and enjoyed the sunshine and various floras in the garden. The day was perfect. As much as he wanted to stay and keep her all to himself, he thought they had better show up for dinner.
He stopped Lauriana in the archway to the Great Hall and pushed her up against the wall. “This is to hold me over until after dinner.”
As he kissed her, he heard voices. The others must have arrived early for dinner. He could also hear the dragon rumbling in the back. Someone grabbed his arm and wrenched him away from Lauriana.
Martika glared at him. “Is this what you’re up to when you are away from our home? Taking up with a low classed strumpet?” Lauriana froze and her mouth dropped open.
Mikell felt his body fill with rage. He ripped his arm away so violently Martika stumbled a few steps.
“What are you doing here?” he growled. Why in the name of the gods would this woman show up here now? “I told you a longtime ago to leave me alone and that I never wanted to see you again.”
“Don’t be silly we are betrothed. You’ll be my husband when you take the throne. You’ll have to claim the throne eventually. I’ve decided now is the time. Our wedding is being planned as we speak.”
Lauriana’s knees buckled. Mikell tried to steady her but she pushed him away and recovered on her own. The hurt on her face was like a knife through his heart.
“I can explain. She’s lying.”
Lauriana shook her head and backed away. “It looks like you’ve got a wedding to plan. I’ll leave you to it.” She ran to Dagreth, who put his leg down for her to step on. She climbed on to his back and threw her arms around his neck.
“Take me out of here.”
Before anyone could react, the dragon disappeared. Mikell whirled around his eyes menacing. Martika backed up two steps.
“What in the blazes is wrong with you? I’ve always been direct and clear with you. I will never claim the throne. If I did, I wouldn’t marry you, I’d ask Lauriana to be my queen, not you, never you. If I never see you again it’ll be too soon.”
“But it’s what your parents wanted.”
“My parents did not always know what was best for me!”
“But—”
“Enough!” Mikell roared.
Winnie and Jenessa jumped. “I have never seen anyone so angry,” Jenessa whispered.
He fought to keep control of his temper. His voice was slow and controlled. “I want, you, to leave, now!”
“The hour’s late. I am exhausted from traveling and I twisted my ankle on the way to the Keep. The least you can do is offer me accommodations for the night.”
“Fine!” he rasped. “You can stay the night, but I want you gone before breakfast. If you ever show up anywhere near me again, woman or not, I will make you wish you were never born.” He turned to Zeke. “Would you see to it that our guest is escorted to her room and locked in for the evening?”
Zeke stifled a grin. “It would be my pleasure.”
Martika glared at him. She opened her mouth but snapped it shut again when she saw the menacing look on the wizard’s face. Satisfied that Martika would be treated appropriately, Mikell strode out of the room.
-4-
Lauriana stared out at the lake and watched the waves lapping at the shore. She shivered in the night air. She drew her legs up and rested her arms on her knees. She mumbled to herself and then buried her face in her arms.
Abruptly she rose and started to pace. “I knew it was too good to be true. He was playing me for a fool the whole time. He never cared about me. How could I have been so stupid?” How could she have ever thought that two men could love her so much? The worst part was that Ari would be hurt for nothing. She had lost Mikell and she’d lose Ari too. It wasn’t any more than she deserved but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
Dagreth rumbled in his throat. “You know I do not care for the ranger, but don’t you think you should have given him a chance to explain. I am a good judge of character and I do believe he cares for you. I do not think that he would be planning a wedding with that vile human and spend so much time alone with you. You could at least hear him out. If you don’t like what he has to say, I can always burn him to a crisp.”
She turned to look at the dragon. “I thought you didn’t trust him?”
“If I didn’t trust him I would not have let him be alone with you.”
Lauriana sighed. “You’re right. I should’ve given him a chance to explain. I don’t suppose as a dragon you’d understand it, but when I heard what that woman was saying all of my doubts and fears surfaced at once. I just lost it and couldn’t stay in the same room with them.”
“I have observed humans for hundreds of years. They have always acted irrationally.”
She jumped to her feet and walked over to the dragon. “Oh, Dagreth, I think I’ve made a fool out of myself.”
“Those on two legs spend too much time worrying about what others on two legs think about them.”
“You’re right again. Dagreth?”
“Yes.”
“Thanks for being here for me. You’re a great friend and confidante.” She patted the dragon’s neck.
“Now,” Dagreth said, “can we go back to the Keep? I have things to do.”
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
-5-
The party sat around the table in silence barely touching their food. Zeke felt on edge. He knew he’d have the feeling until the Ravensdale woman was out of his home. He didn’t know what she wanted, but it wasn’t what she’d said.
“Lauriana will be okay, won’t she?” Winnie asked.
Zeke smiled to reassure her. “I am sure Dagreth will see to it that no harm comes to her.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen anyone get so angry in my life,” Jenessa said. “Mikell must really love Lauriana.”
“Did you see the look on his face when he saw how hurt she was?” Winnie looked at her sister. “He looked almost as hurt as she did.”
Ash poured a glass of wine. “It be amazing how much he loves that girl. I just hope that … everything will be resolved.”
Zeke nodded. He knew what she was thinking. Such a strong love could work to the advantage or to the disadvantage of the quest. It was too early to tell which it would be.
“Mikell is a lucky man.” Tandril took a sip of wine. “He’s found his soul mate. Isn’t it odd that one can find their soul mate in another world? It’s either a miracle or a cruel trick of the fates.”
Mikell returned to the hall but wouldn’t eat. He paced the length of the hall until the evening meal was over and then left.
Zeke sighed as he watched him go. He regretted allowing Martika into the Keep. He had questioned her all afternoon and was no closer to figuring out the real reason she was here. Her mind was protected by magic, that much he was sure of. No matter how hard he pried, he couldn’t get the truth out of her.
-6-
Lauriana opened the door to her room and saw Mikell waiting for her, his back to her as he looked out the window. She paused, took a deep breath, let it out, and entered the room.
“Hi,” she said quietly.
He turned to face her. He took two steps toward her and then stopped. “Are you okay? I was worried.”
“I’m fine. Dagreth didn’t let me out of his sight. He took me to one of his favorite lakes. I don’t know the name.” She paused a moment. “I needed time to think. I’m sorry I took off.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “I assume you have an explanation for why that woman showed up here saying you are about to be married to her?” She turned away. She couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, afraid to hear his answer.
Mikell turned her around and led her to the bed.
“Please, sit down. I’ll explain.” She sat on the edge of the bed and Mikell sat next to her. “I’m sorry you were exposed to that woman’s nonsense. I would have told you before, but I never thought anything like this would happen.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “When I was born my parents were the king and queen of a land not far from here called the Kingdom of Rivers. They were friends with the king and queen of a neighboring land, Ravensdale. This king and queen had a daughter.”
She looked at him. “Martika?”
He nodded. “They decided they would unite their lands one day under one rule. As the eldest son, I was next in line for the throne. To ensure the best interests of both lands were upheld our parents decided that Martika and I would marry. As I grew up, I could see that although Martika was becoming a beautiful woman, she only cared about herself and power. I knew I could never marry her, a woman I didn’t respect and could not even begin to like, let alone love. I also saw how my parents wanted me to spend my life doing what others wanted me to do.” She shivered. “Are you okay?”
She nodded and smiled slightly. “I kind of ran off without my cloak and got chilled.”
Mikell rose and stoked the fire. When he was done, he grabbed a blanket from the bed, wrapped it around her and sat down again.
“When I was about fifteen I started having dreams about you. I saw what a woman could be like. I didn’t know if I’d ever meet a woman like you, but I vowed then and there that I wouldn’t play their games. I’d renounce my throne and never give Martika the time of day. My parents were furious. I was so torn. I hated to disappoint my parents, but I wanted to be true to myself.
“Ten years later our land was attacked. An assassin got past the guards and killed both of my parents.” He shook his head. “I arrived too late. There was nothing I could do. My mother lived for a short time. Her last words to me before she died in my arms were, ‘son be true to yourself. Do not let the others pressure you into taking a course that would make you unhappy.’”
He turned and looked into her eyes. “She freed me from my guilt. I let my brother take over the throne and rebuild the kingdom. Calvin had always felt he was better suited to be king. He thought me a coward, but he gladly took the throne. When I was getting ready to leave, Martika found me. She was furious. She said I had to take the throne because she deserved to be queen, that eventually I would come crawling back to take the throne and beg her to become my queen. When that didn’t work, she said she’d find me wherever I went and make me come back. I laughed in her face and left my kingdom. I haven’t been back since, nor have I seen her.”
Mikell sat next to her and took her hands in his. “I had no idea that Martika would be so obsessed with the throne that she’d still be looking for me after all these years. She’s a twisted and delusional woman. I just wish I could have prevented you from getting hurt. Please believe me; I feel nothing but contempt for that woman. Can you forgive me?”
“That depends. Are there any other women wandering around waiting to marry you?”
“No.” He kissed the top of her head and hugged her. “I was afraid I’d lost you.”
“I’m sorry. I know I have no right to be upset with you. You’ve never given me a reason to doubt your word. I should’ve waited to hear your explanation instead of running off.” She turned away from him. “It’s just that all this time I’ve been feeling like I’m in a dream, like you are too good to be true. When I heard that you were to be married to that woman, I was convinced that my fears were true.”
He took her in his arms. “You have every right to be upset. I hope you know that I’d never keep anything like this from you. Are you really okay? You look a little pale.”
“I’m just tired and hungry. I kind of missed dinner.” She gave him a slight smile.
“I’ll go get you a tray from the kitchen.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“You need to keep up your strength. I won’t take no for an answer. Mikell gave her a stern look. Now, promise me you’ll not leave this room while I’m gone.”
“All right.”
-7-
Lauriana smiled. Her talk with Mikell went a lot better than she had thought it would. She took a bucket of water and heated in the fireplace. Once the water was warm, she poured some into the basin. She dipped a cloth into the water and began to wipe the sand from her hair, and face. That dragon could not land without kicking up sand or dirt.
She felt an unsettling feeling in the pit of her stomach. How could she have been so upset with Mikell? Didn’t she have a life planned out with Ari? She believed that she deserved to be happy, but did she really deserve either of the men who loved her?
She heard a quiet knock, put the cloth down, and opened the door.
Jenessa rushed into the room. “Are you all right?”
“Where’s Mikell?” Winnie asked trailing after her sister.
“I’m fine. He went to get me a tray from the kitchen.”
Lauriana looked from one face to another. Her cousins looked like they were about to burst. Winnie plopped down at the table. “Did you hear what happened after you left?”
“No, why?”
Jenessa joined her sister at the table. “You missed a big scene.”
“Yah.” Winnie’s eyes danced. “After you left, Mikell yelled at Martika.”
Lauriana’s eyes grew wide. “You’re kidding. He yelled at her?” She sat down on the bed and listened as her cousins gave her the details. She stared at them. “He said that he’d ask me to be his queen?”
Jenessa nodded. “I’ve never seen anyone so angry in my life. After he finished yelling at her, he stormed off looking for you. He wouldn’t even eat.”
“You are so lucky,” Winnie said. “He’d move heaven and earth for you if he could.”
At the sound of the door opening, Winnie and Jenessa snapped their mouths shut. Mikell arrived with a dinner tray heaped with food. He had a slight smile on his face and his eyes sparkled in amusement. Winnie and Jenessa excused themselves and went back to their rooms.
Mikell put the tray down on the table. “I want you to lie back in bed and eat.”
She opened her mouth to protest, but she could see by the look on his face that he would not relent. “Under one condition, you sit here with me and eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“From what I heard you didn’t have dinner either. Sit and eat.” She pointed to the spot next to her on the bed.
Mikell grinned. “Gave you an earful did they?”
They sat together on the bed eating in silence, enjoying each other’s presence. After they finished without a word, they laid down together. Mikell put his arms around her. Lauriana sighed. For a while, she was afraid she’d never feel his arms around her again. She was content for now, but tomorrow she’d have a talk with that woman. She was not going to let this Martika person go without a little chat.
He tilted her face up to look at his. “I forgot something.”
“What?”
“Dessert.” He kissed her lips and then her neck, shoulders….
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LEB reviewed Version 2 -
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Normally I’m not really into reading SCI FI stuff but this was actually pretty good. A little difficult in keeping up with all of the characters. This is much like a soap opera or romance novel in space or futuristic type of genre. I did find myself wanting to read to the end though so thats a definite sign of publishable.
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napalmwriter reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting story. Lots of meaty dialogue and character interactions. Maybe a little heavy-handed on the dialogue. Lots of characters gets a little confusing to me, but it’s probably because I haven’t read it from Chapter 1. Nice end to a chapter. Very personal, believable, and it says a lot without saying a lot.
Lauriana popped the last berry into her mouth…—That whole sentence is a bit protracted. Don’t need every single detail of her movements, unless it is pertinent.
The… , She…—Lots of sentences starting like this. Very repetitive. As a rule-of-thumb, I try not to start two sentences in the same paragraph with the same word (not a set-in-stone rule, but it is helpful to me).
current of electricity through her—I can’t tell for sure from the notes, but would she know what electricity is? If not, this should be avoided. If so, ignore me.
because she is an unpleasant person was an irresponsible use—inconsistent verb tenses
She will be brewing trouble soon enough.—This sounds like Zeke’s thinking. Separate the internal dialogue from the narrative with italics. If you don’t know how to do that on Urbis, just bracket what you want to italicize between underscores.
Dexus reviewed Version 2 -
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Yay more suspense :) The plot is still rising nicely :)
I won’t point out the typos this time, because you’ll probably catch them anyway.
“Her eyes popped open and squinted against the intense sunlight”—This reads like her eyes shot open wide and squinted at the same time. Perhaps “but then squinted” ?
“He handed her the tray with a plate with pastries and biscuits, a bowl of berries and more of Ash’s tea.”—A tray with a plate OF pastries…?
“The vegetation on this side of the wall was even lusher if that was possible.”—I’ve never seen “lusher” before but I don’t know if it’s incorrect. Still, might want to change to “more lush” anyway. I think it sounds better :)
“Did he expect her undress in front of him”—missing a “to”
“He gave her a curious look, smiled, and then said turned to leave”—Not sure if this is a typo or if you meant to use a different word
“Between all the stress, she was under and the heavy training…” —no comma
“He could have showed her sights…”—shown
Some people might think that Lauriana wouldn’t believe Martika so easily, that she would give Mikell a chance to explain, but I see that scene happening exactly the way you described it. I know from experience that people (even strong-willed people) let their emotions cloud their judgment and act on impulse in such confusing, hurtful situations. Then they come around later and realize with hindsight that they should’ve dealt with it differently.
“She had lost Mikell…”—might not need “had” and needs a comma after Mikell
“It wasn’t any more than she deserved but that didn’t make it hurt any less.”—I had to reread this sentence. Besides needing a comma after deserved, it seems to be missing something or maybe has too many words. Just a little awkward.
I noticed during the discussion over dinner, Jenessa, Winnie, Tandril and Ash comment on Mikell’s love for Lauriana, but Marcus and Sheridan stay silent? I think Marcus at least would put in his two cents as well. He seems strongly opinionated, especially about their relationship.
I like the new twist with Martika. Trying to figure out what she’s plotting is suspenseful :)
“She took a bucket of water and heated in the fireplace…”—heated IT in the fireplace?
I’m curious about what Lauriana will say to Martika! :) Another great chapter.
Aten2727 reviewed Version 2 -
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Very good story you have going on here. I actually really enjoyed the recap and kudos for thinking of putting this on here to fill in the blanks for those who haven’t read the rest of your novel yet. Although, I do feel a little cheated for reading all of it and not receiving any credits… lol.
I couldn’t help but notice a typo in the first paragraph, fifth sentence – you forget the T in the.
I did run across numerous typos and spelling errors but do not see the need to show you each one. Just have someone proofread your story.
I was curious at the beginning as to where the characters were. I actually felt like this numerous times in your story. Just do a better job of setting the scene and I think you will be fine!
I am not a big fan of the fantasy genre but your characters were well rounded and I thought you did a great job of describing them all and giving them their own personalities through dialogue and description! Lauriana is by far my favorite character!
Other than that I thought that your story flowed very well and I must say that its apparent as the reader that you have direction in your writing. I will look forward to reading more from you!
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 2 -
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p4 when you have the dragon speak on human’s worrying about what others think- the dialogue becomes trifiling. It’s not up to par with what’s going on.
Some spots for me are troubling. Sometimes the dialogue seems too modern, although you do have a good ear for dialogue, it’s apparant that parts need editing.“But it’s what your parents wanted.” for me this also stuck out. I don’t think that anyone going for the throne and a prince would have a come back line like that. It doesn’t seem “regal”.I think she would have restated the importance of his being married to her for whatever reason.
Another point; there’s a lot going on overlaying present action with the past, multiple plot lines.
You also use the passive voice a lot. You need to trim away forms of the verb to be and make the writing tigher and give it greater impact- as in ”Mikell was spending the day in his training garden with Lauriana and he was not going to interrupt. He knew this woman was not telling the truth. Make her wait, he decided. She will be brewing trouble soon enough.” I would rewrite such as: Mikell spent the day in his training garden with Lauriana, and he would not interrupt. He knew this woman would never tell the truth…She’d brew trouble soon enough…or something like that. Make it active.
Good read.
hypatia reviewed Version 2 -
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This is another chapter that keeps fantastic pace. It rolls along with excitement and is never stilted. This chapter shows a deeper depth of the love between Lauriana and Mikell which you portray very well. Although I read the next chapter before this your writing style is effortless to read and easy to pick up at any stage. Bravo.
her (to) undress in front
then said (as he) turned to leave
“Are you okay?” (he asked).
and heated (it on) the fireplace
JeanJefferies reviewed Version 2 -
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ha first let me start with how much I enjoy the premise of first few chapters. They are very close to the first short story I ever wrote. Making me feel a kinship to you. :)
On a more negative note. It may be a bit greedy for you to expect someone to read an entire stories worth of notes, without receiving any credits.
Write off the back there is a typo. “he corner of his lips” you forgot the “t” Im sure you ran a spell checker, but if not that would be the first advice.
“her limbs felt leaden” ... this may be a correct word, but it also may be so abstract that the average reader will not comprehend. You may want to think of swapping “leaden”
this one may just be my personal preference, but the opening scene to this piece could use more scene setting, besides her in a bed. I am not sure what the environment is like. If this is addressed n the previous chapter, maybe a tny refresher could be inserted.
“lusher, if that was possible” this may read stronger if you were to cut “if that was possible” it is semi passive.
“chapters of prophecy” you forgot the word “the” in front of prophecy.
who it is.” Who .. this could read better by replacing the second “who” even just addin some words between the double usage may help it be sharper. like “he couldnt imagine who…”
overall I wuld suggest setting the scene more. the story flows well othe than that and again this may jus be my preference
Fazzerelli reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed reading the recap, it got me interested in the story and held my attention. Inevitably fantasy stories are going to be compared with greats and because of that I’d certainly think about changing referal to Mikell as a ranger. As he’s also known as ‘the king who refused his crown’ is smacks of Aragon, LOTR, which may distract the reader from your story with constant comparisons. ’“How’d you sleep?”’ sounds too everyday reality. I just have it in my head that this type of alternate reality would be kind of medieval or at least use old-fashioned spoken language for our ears. This seems too modern. ‘“I want, you, to leave, now!”’ I’m no master of punctuation but isn’t only the last comma needed? ‘She mumbled to herself…’ isn’t at all necessary as what she says is never known and mumbling in itself isn’t an expression of the feelings she has. ‘“It be amazing…’ again sounds awkward, how about: “It be a wonder…” Missing word at the start of 7 ’...heated [it] in…’ ‘“Gave you an earful, did they?”’ too much of a modern phrase again. I liked the story and read urgently to find out what would happen, which has to be good. It is well written in terms of clarity and comfort for the reader and apart from the language issue, I have no complaint. I’ve certainly read weaker fantasy in print than this. Good luck with it!
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 2 -
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and he corner / the corner
A suggestion: ““What be th—?” Ash asked, looking up.” I don’t think that “noise” is necessary because the reader understands that Ash is reacting to the alarm. Also, if she doesn’t finish the sentence, it gives the impression that Zeke cut her off because he was making sure he heard the alarm. Danger! Danger!
The prince is my / The Prince –(I think; proper noun.)
After re-reading this, I’m having a little trouble believing that Zeke would just believe this woman and allow her to come into the keep. He doesn’t like mercenaries, he senses this menacing aura about her, and yet, he still takes her word that she is who she claims to be. In fact, there is never any mention if Zeke has even heard of Lady Martika Ravensdale, or if he has, it would be nice to remind the reader of that. “He knew this woman was not telling the truth.” It seems to me that he would interrogate her or at ask her a few questions. Perhaps the guy is timid and doesn’t want to risk getting his head chopped off, but perhaps if this is the case, that could be developed more fully.
The transition from the previous scene to Mikell in the garden is a nice contrast and definitely changes the tempo of the story in a good way.
The lake scene and the one preceding it are my favorite of this piece. With Mikell telling L about his past and the set-up marriage, I found myself very intrigued. It also ties the first half of the piece well—It explains what was previously left open while the story switch to L and D at the lake. Maybe M could offer his apologies to L for not telling her about the Martika woman previously. He could’ve thought he escaped her and by staying at the keep. This is an effective character substory—someone who is running from their past. Of course this woman threatens to break up Mik and L, but this is something that I think might become a more significant part of the story as things progress. I also suspect that she is in cahoots with The Master. Ooohhh the suspense. I would have liked to see L get more upset with Mik, but at the lake with Dag she thinks things over and that kind of takes the sting out of things.
The second read was just as interesting as the first; maybe more so. I picked up on more of the subtleties that you’ve included in the text—probably a product of reading the story on a computer screen as opposed to on paper. But still, good stuff you’ve got here. Keep it up!
-Curt
catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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This is superbly written. And the added portions heightened the story even more. Every time you revise, this gets tighter, more polished, and clearer. Your story, plot, characters, exposition shines.
I absolutely loved the scene between Markita and Mikell. They make fantastic formidable rivals. And when Winnie & Jen recapped how Mikell yelled at the mystery woman, it warmed my heart. Hit me home too. So many times our friends and family influence us, even by an act such as this.
The romance between Mikell and Lauriana is tangible, believable, and proved worthy. Thank you for sharing this.
You’ve done a fantastic job in editing as well. Another thank you for using what we critiquers give out. I appreciate it.
Here’s a few fixies:
blue eyes and the corner of his lips…(mispelled)
with a plate of pastries and biscuits…(Deleted: with)
He gave her a curious look, smiled, and then said (Delete: turned to leave). (Not needed; he’s leaving in the next paragraph.)
because she was an unpleasant person (Past tense)
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