Actually, Isis, I think I’ve over-worked this piece. I read the origninal draft last night and there is heart felt sadness that I have now ruined.
Flash Fiction / The Crash
The Crash
I was already running when the plane went down. I had been standing near the hanger, saw the wall of rain sweep across the field, roll like a wave and catch the tail – I knew they would crash. The little plane dipped one wing and smashed into the woods. The end of the runway lit up as the fuel tanks ruptured. The storm, triumphant, cracked the night open and roared with delight.
I went charging out across the field, jumping ditches and flying all on my own, fighting the wind and the rain. One wing had torn off and was burning huge and bright. It lit up the forest. From a distance the cockpit still looked intact. I entered the woods and ran headlong through the bitter black smoke until I tripped and fell, crashing over a rotten, burning log and landing on a piece of the wing. The metal was white hot. It ripped open my shirt. The pain shot me back to my feet. The trees were ablaze in front of the nose. I got around to the right of the plane where the wing had torn free and incredibly, my mother and Andi were alive.
My father was dead, his body slammed into the console. The door was gone where Chrissy, my younger sister, must have been. I guessed she had been thrown when the plane first struck. My mother sat in the co-pilot’s chair. She was trying to move. Andi was still strapped into the bench behind my father, the fire burning the side of her face and leg where the fuselage had buckled and torn. She was struggling and screaming. I could see by their odd angle that both her arms were broken. She could not get her hands near the buckles to open the belt. I do not think she even knew I was there until I had the belt off and went to grab her shoulders. The fire reached in, taking off most of my hair and sticking the lids of my eyes shut. I forced them open and grabbed her, screaming, dragging her out of the plane. She let out a groan so low and hideous it nearly stopped me, but I kept dragging her, down across the stump of the wing and through the mud to the log I had tripped over. There the fire had burnt itself out. The rain was coming down harder. The sound of sirens and equipment was all around. I laid her down in the mud and stood to go back for my mother.
“Don’t leave.”
“I have to.”
“No,” she said, as if speaking to someone else there beside her. She looked up at me, recognized me.
“I’m not leaving,” I said, and felt the explosion coming. It lifted me forward, sucking the wind from my lungs, sending me over and down into a puddle behind the log. The log tried to move. A ball of fire rose high into the trees and the log moved again, lifting one limb to shield itself, the eyes two white blossoms behind a crusted mask of charred wood. It was my sister. At first I thought she had crawled up inside to escape the flames, but she rolled to escape the fire and the wall of flame washed over and I was also on fire. I started to roll in the puddle, trying to splash some of the water on Chrissy. Men with chemical bottles appeared and covered us with foam.
I tried to stand.
They were covering Andi with the same gurgling clouds. A woman in a fireman’s helmet touched my forehead, knocking me down like a hammer onto a stretcher. We were all being carried through the forest. We rode in a Paramedic Bus and I watched them working on Chrissy and not working on Andi. There were so many people talking on radios and crammed into that tiny space. The bus stopped. A helicopter landed beside us. The woman in the helmet saw me looking at Andi. She tried to smile, then reached over and gently closed her eyes, covering her face with a light blue towel.
My sister lived another three days.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Treatsa reviewed Version 9 -
Read 100% of the Item
Yipes!
I had a pretty good image of this in my head. And your tense switching didn’t seem to phase me.
“and felt the explosion coming” I don’t know how you feel an explosion before it happens.
I really liked the desciptions of how the fire was sticking his eyelids shut and burning his hair, it made it very real.
I would tighten up sentenses in a few places but I’m sure you’ll be looking at that in revision.
Sad ending but a happy ending would’ve seemed quite the miracle.
- add/view comments (0)
jaydizzle1991 reviewed Version 9 -
Read 100% of the Item
Woah… this is really sad :[
Plane crashes aren’t common, but how terribly diasterous they are. And to be so close…
Very well written. Keep up the amazing work.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 9 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m not sure I’m really liking the changes. The beginning is good, but then it gets into sounding choppy once he arrives at the plane to assess what’s happened. ’My mother sat…She was trying to…Andi was strapped…She was screaming…’
Additionally, the part about the log being the sister is odd, not because it wouldn’t conceptually work, but because it’s unclear the way it’s written. The logs moving, then eyes appear, and Chrissy is inside, but then a wave of fire comes. I like where you were trying to go, but I think it needs to be less confusing.
The narrator is rolling and trying to splash the fire off of his sister at the same time? It might work better if he extinguishes most of the fire on himself, ending up smoking while he physically raises up to splash his sister. As it is, I’m left wondering how he can roll and splash at the same time.
I felt deeply for the narrator, swept up in his desperate bid to save his family. You keep the pace fast throughout. Nicely done.
roguescholar reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
This was well done, the details of the crash and rescue would almost lead me to believe you experienced this in real life (were this not in the flash fiction category)
I would have liked a little more description of who Andi was towards the beginning of the piece, I thought she was the protagonist’s sister and was briefly horrified by the pregnancy until he explained she was a friend he had fallen in love with.
I really enjoyed this piece, though I personally would have liked to see a bit more flashback interspersed throughout the story rather than just at the end, but what can I say? I’m a big fan of back stories, which is tough in flash fiction, I know…but I would have liked to know why everyone was on the plane but the narrator, and why he was able to get to the crash so quickly.
Aside from my own mild curiosities and a few switches in tense throughout, I thought this was masterfully done. I could easily picture it all in my head.
kudos and cheers, friend.
Sharon reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
“I ran down the trail of mud where the plane had torn up the ground and stumbled again, got to my feet, standing near the tail.” This sentence is confusing. It reads like the plane had torn up the ground and stumbled again. After reading it several times I got what you meant. I’d suggest revising.
“She cried out and choked and the fire reached in, taking most of my hair…” It reads like the fire reached in and took your hair (like it grabbed it). Maybe you could use, “the fire burned my hair…” or “singed”
“They were covering Chrissy and Andi with the same gurgling clouds.” Where did Chrissy come from? Last I read, she’d been thrown when the plane first struck.
“It was then that I saw her, my little sister, her eyes two white blossoms…” Is this Chrissy? It’s unclear.
So where was this whole family and the pregnant girlfriend going on a private plane for one day with the brother? The end is a little confusing. I had to reread it to get it. Maybe I’m in the minority.
I do like your story. It switched tenses from here to there, but the story itself is good.
Enigma28 reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
I had been standing near the hanger
I think if you wrote I’d been standing… it would flow better.
got to my feet, would probably work better if you wrote ‘I got to my feet’
. No time for sorrow. Extra spacing
She cried out and choked and the fire reached in
This would flow better if you wrote ‘She cried out and choked as the fire reached in’
We are running through the forest.
This seems totally out of place.
This has a great ending, having Andi pregnant and going back in time to see the beginning of how this occured.
To begin with I was under the impresion your MC had wings, if you read through you’ll find it sounds like that. Their are also a few places where you have extra spacing.
Overall this was interesting piece, starting with drama and leaving with impeding doom, although I don’t feel their was enough descriptiveness with your characters, we don’t know what they look like.
Good job
Jodie
goofygoober168 reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
Quite surreal…the backtracking at the end makes it even more final. Lovely AND dreadful. Great piece.
longview reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
Powerful story. Well written and well thought out. The past/present tense overlap you added at the end works out well, and I think makes the story more powerful.
Good job.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
The undergrowth is tearing the face and legs, but the arms used as machetes should bear some wounds, as well. Not stopping would make the description particularly powerful.
‘heard and smelled’ instead of heard and then smelled. I think it would give a sense of immediacy better.
‘and went to stand up’ would be better said as ‘moved to stand’
‘were running’ not ‘are running’. Be careful not to jump back and forth between tenses before you get to the memory. Chrissy just appears, so perhaps make a slight nod to dragging Andi and seeing Chrissy some ways from the plane, since you indicate she probably was thrown clear.
I loved the memory sequence until the very last sentence. It felt rather abrupt, and didn’t really close the piece well. ’ “See you tonight,” I say, as the doorlatch clicks behind me.’ There should be something to tie this memory with the scene preceeding it, yet give the idea of finality. He’s badly burned, he could pass out. I would probably head that angle.
The action is gut-wrenching, and jaw dropping. It keeps you on the edge the entire time. You crafted it well. The memory scene is heartbreaking.
Overall, an excellent piece.
cottonface reviewed Version 8 -
Read 100% of the Item
The switch to present actually works for me, and the end is actually kind of beautiful. The crash and his actions and the rescue, all of that is a little ridiculous. I don’t mean that to be horrible, I just can’t imagine it really happening, some one being able to do that. I’m sure you can throw some article in my face where something like that happened, but I thought this was some hero or fantasy piece at first, the way it comes off. I don’t know what you’d have to do to make it work better, but I think a quieter, more realistic beginning followed by the same kind of scene and feeling you already put into that middle part of the piece would lead to the ending as well, but with a less out there tone. Of course, if you were looking more for something like that, you got it, and if you dig it, I don’t matter. Just for me, I’d have liked to have better liked the story that led to that last scene in the morning, which I think is good as hell.
Showing 1 - 10 of 17
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 3 Comments
Version 9
Latest Activity: 2 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 18 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 9 | Version 8 (Deleted) | Version 7 (Deleted) | Version 6 (Deleted) | Version 5 (Deleted) | Version 4 (Deleted) | Version 3 (Deleted) | Version 2 (Deleted) | Version 1 (Deleted) |