Thx for the comment.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Peace of Mind (Analysis)
The person next to you says memorizing this is going to be hard. Then you say, “Hard like the first working day of track hard. And you’ve been doing a wall sit for ten minutes but it really wasn’t ten minutes because you’re in Tausch Time and everything in this type of time is doubled. You want to cry but you can’t because you know if you do you’ll fall and cause the whole team to start over. So you just sit there wanting to give up. Then you hear coach blow his whistle twice and you have to do 20 proper wall touches. An let me tell you your calves’ burn like a blazing fire was set off in them but if you mess up once on a wall touch you might as well quit the team because everyone is going to be pissed at you for the next 3 months. After practice you’re tired, hunger, and sore but you’ll come back tomorrow you and everybody else knows they’ll be back.” You look at the person and they do a nervous little laugh. “So yeah it was hard but 2 ½ weeks later when you have your first meet and you beat the other team by a large margin you feel amazing. Then and only then do you understand why doing the hard work is worth it even if it’s not fun or doesn’t feel good.”
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MarcyBoBarcy reviewed Version 1 -
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Your overall idea was really good but you need to work on basic grammar and spelling. I would recommend NOT having this in second person, and I would NOT recommend using present tense. I also think you should do more explaining within the story rather than throwing a brief sentence in the notes. That’s not what it’s for. Just have someone revise your work before sending it to any publishers – they won’t like basic errors like a misplaced apostrophe.
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Charley_Groth reviewed Version 1 -
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I agree with the message- that doing something really hard pays off in the end and shows you what you can accomplish. It’s not very visual and there really isn’t an indelible story here. If I were a blog reader I’d be looking for some stylistic markers to draw me in but they aren’t her. Take your time and tell the story.
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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In the notes you write “are music”. Try “our music”.
Writing in 2nd person is a good, unusual way of expressing. It grabs the attention and requires a bit more interaction from the reader.
“Hunger and sore”- Is this dialect or did you mean to write “hungry”?
I thought the end was kind of corny, like a proud mother banging on about her baby. Is there another way of describing your feelings at those worthwhile times with a bit more originality?
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi,
I thought when i read it, it wasnt going to be good but i read all the way threw and it was very good, i liked how u wrote about something real true and something that happend in ur life. i really liked ur peice and i hope u keep writing. good luck in the furture!
shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 -
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As a reader, I’m confused about the context of your story…is this supposed to be about marching band, or about track? The story doesn’t make it clear at all, and scanning over it a few times helps, but the initial impression is lost in the awkward set up. I would set the story up in a different way, and make sure you focus on what the emphasis of the story is supposed to be.
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