thank you very much.
(:
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Single Bullet (Analysis)
The man was one of many but considered to be only one of a few. He was a simple man with a complex life. He was a sniper. It was his job, his duty, to keep himself steady in the most dangerous and ruthless conditions.
He gripped the ridged handle of the rifle and placed the butt into his shoulder, taking care that the framework became a third arm to him, held and supported by his other two. He did this with the consistency and smoothness of a man who had done so many times before. He had delivered thousands upon thousands of shots careening down the barrel of the weapon to strike where his sanity and proficiency had put it. Every shot he made was his own, a piece of art to be treasured and taken in with pride. Whether he was rewarded with seeing a clean hole where a white dot had once stood, or he had his heart drop with yet another victory for that mindless spot of ink, he thought of every shot as a stroke of a paintbrush. It was a line in a poem.
But now he wouldn’t be setting his sights on a white dot. Now his target was raising its arms to the world, becoming the idol and item of worship to yet another ignorant nation. His target was a life, not the body that held it. A radical man fell so hard and was weighed down by the very cause he devoted himself to. This was that day that the evil and hatred he saw before him, through the point of view of a loaded rifle, was going to be wiped clean. Only the shavings would be left by the end of this day. The story of ruthlessness and hatred would be erased.
He took in a breath of cold, sweet air. Oh, it tasted like honey on his lips, sliding down his throat and filling his lungs with life. His chest rose and his body with it. Prone was the most stable way to deliver a round, but it was his own body he could place blame on if fail was to occur. He submitted himself to completing his art lying down, with factors outside his control to have to be accustomed to. It was all him. In fact, the rifle was only a tool. Just as an artist cannot give credit for a masterpiece to his paintbrush, he could not say it was the rifle that would be the receiver of due credit at day’s end.
Releasing only enough air to bring the sights up and lay them across the man’s chest, off center quite a bit to account for the wind and distance, the sniper saw himself becoming more and more still until it was like a machine held the weapon in a perfect rock steady line up with the target. It would taunt him no more. The man he saw, whose mercy lied with only God, was not a personal enemy of his. He was an enemy of what the sniper lived for. He was a target and every target was like a bully, telling a shooter over and over again that he can’t defeat it. It was the shooter’s job to completely zone out. It was the shooter’s job to shut it up.
He was sure everything was as perfect as it could be, but there was still room for error. There was always room for the tiniest mistake that could make the shot nothing more than a defeat to him. The trigger was a symbol of hatred and he wanted more than anything to break it, but he had to wait for perfection. There couldn’t be failure here. He knew there wouldn’t be. He smiled as he tensed up his finger and with a tiny flick, the great rifle jumped in his hands and he heard nothing more than a pop. His senses were only on that target. His body told him he had hit his spot, but his mind told him he failed; it told him he could have done better, but he didn’t have time to check. His moment had just passed and he could no longer keep his eye on the ball.
He had to escape now. He could hear the news already.
“The President of the United States has been shot!”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Korp reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is quite good, especially the second paragraph, which was like poetry. I could feel the tension you wove throughout the piece.
“This was … wiped clean.”
I thought this sentence was a bit awkward, probably because of the two thats that it contained. The sentence following also had another use of the word day, which sounded unpleasantly repetitious.
Comparing the cold air to honey didn’t go over well with me. You’d think honey would be warm, or at least lukewarm; likening it to the cold air creates a conflicting picture in my mind.
”... blame on if fail…”
Failure.
I’m not sure if the end was supposed to be a surprise, but it wasn’t. I figured that was coming, though it didn’t hurt the story or anything.
Overall, you’ve really managed to paint a nice scene. Favorited.
- add/view comments (0)
Aura reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a good story with a twist at the end, which president had been shot?
Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Steady? Well, of course he has to be steady when shooting, but I’d use keep himself composed or something like that and also I think ruthless rather refers to a personal characteristic and would choose demanding or extreme instead. I can see that the ending is meant to be a dramatic surprise, however it is somewhat of an anticlimax as the US president has been shot before. Maybe I just wasn’t caught up in the text to get the impact of the ending, it’s not like I expected this target. I found the description of the sniper distracting in places i.e.: his sanity delivering a shot or the rifle being a third arm but later only a tool. I can’t appriciate the sniper’s art because the description is inconsistent. I don’t know if you’ve fired this kind of weapon but I wouldn’t consider writing in such detail without trying it myself.
dianegermano reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This character seems to float in space. Where is he? What does he look like? You have gone too far to “shadow” your bad guy. Is he on the grassy knoll? In the book repository? Don’t chuckle, I ‘know’ who you’re talking about and it’s not JFK. You have a nice sense of description, please be more specific about where, who, when, why and how.
kt_writer_girl reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Wow, wow, wow!!! That was awsome! It’s like you painted a picture with words. I felt like I was standing right next to that sniper, I felt like I WAS the sniper! Completley (spelling?) amazing! I would love to read more of your work!
shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hmm. Very interesting piece. Well-constructed, artfully pieced together, and smooth clarity. I really like the way that you set up the story, and ended with a bang. To us readers, you could very well be describing an elderly matriarch as a political figure, much less the President. The tone is consistently cool, and it sets itself up nicely.
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I thought you did an excellent job of describing the thoughts that were rolling through your characters mind. I would like to have a little description on the location, weather, and time of day. Is it day or night, that sort of thing.
A few spelling issues, probably typos, but nothing editing won’t take care of.
I would change “whos mercey lied with only God” to “whos mercy lied with God only.” It rolls off of the toungue better.
Over all though, very good work. I look foward to seeing more of it.
Showing 1 - 7 of 7
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
7 Reviews 4 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 13 days ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Ratings & Rankings
