Thanks for this, I’m currently swotting away on my punctuation as it’s a very weak point in my writing. All you points helped me get a better grasp.
Children's / Working title - A. Jeany 1+2 (Analysis)
Chapter One – Two Tearooms
The evening had, of course, begun altogether differently as must be the case when stories concern unexpected turns of events.
As Arnold Jeany sat in the familiar surroundings of the tearoom, which he’d been visiting on a regular basis for several months now, absorbing the ethnic music and letting the aromas carry him to exotic climes he could’ve sworn he wasn’t dreaming, hadn’t closed his eyes even, when through the door appeared two very bizzare figures. Despite the well below zero temperatures outside, both strangers were heavily sweating. As the tearoom itself was well heated that’s not so strange I hear you say, but Arnold couldn’t help noticing the approaching man and girl were wearing very flimsey arabic style clothing, most unsuitable for the weather conditions.
Probably tourists unprepared for the welcoming annual frost or maybe on their way to a fancy dress party, Arnold thought as he watch with interest.
With his winter boots and heavy overcoat, Arnold certainly was prepared for the weather, but not for the actions of the man who approached him, stooped down close to his ear and whispered, ‘Are you a Genie?’
’Certainly no…’ Arnold began until he considered the question. ‘Well, I guess I am A. Jeany, now I think about it!’
’Bless the stars we’ve found you!’ the man exclaimed before realising his outburst and checking himself. He looked around the room suspiciously and all the other tea drinkers, who had not even noticed his entrance, continued to totally ignore the three of them.
The mysterious man resumed in a low voice, ‘We should take a short walk, O Mighty One, there could be spies in this very room.’
’Well, if you really think so, I suppose we could,’ agreed Arnold as he was propelled towards the door by a gentle, but surprisingly strong grip. ‘I have to settle my bill,’ he added prompting the man to call in a strange language to the waiter, which seemed to satisfy him that the bill was settled.
Arnold struggled to get his coat on and started, ‘Won’t you be a little cold? It’s freezing outside.’ However as they passed through the door the only thing that froze were Arnold’s words in his mouth as he was hit by a wall of heat and the sun blazing over a small oasis townscape half blinded him.
Now I know I’m dreaming, thought Arnold as he abruptly shook his guide free and did a one hundred and eighty degree turn back into the tea room. The customers continued their chatter as if he had never left and the waiter asked, ‘Have you forgotten something, Sahib?’ Except this tea-room looked distinctly more authentically oriental than the darkened mouldy basement he had entered from the cold for a cup of tea just a short while ago, in fact everyone was wearing light clothes in styles that Arnold had only ever seen in books on the Middle East. Rushing out of the tea room Arnold bumped directly into the, now worried looking, man who had began this curious chain of events.
’Am I dreaming?’ he demanded pinching himself, then the man. ‘Are you a figment of my imagination?’
’Ow!’ exclaimed the man rubbing his arm before adding conspiratorially. ‘Some say that life itself is a dream and we actually live in another world very different from this one, but I wouldn’t know of such things, your Greatness. I am but a humble citizen not as knowledgeable as yourself on these matters.’
’You’re not wrong there!’ said Arnold under his breath. ‘Where are we then?’
’This is the oasis of U’r Hea. Do you think we could go somewhere more discreet than this doorway?’ he implored.
Arnold took one last look round the tea room and sighed, ‘Yes, that’d be probably best. Lead the way.’
As Arnold trailed behind his guides, shedding his heaviest clothing, a small dark figure left the tea room and disappeared into the shadows.
Chapter Two – Ask a Silly Question…
A little while later they where reclining in a medium sized bedouin tent just near the small cluster of buildings that formed U’r Hea. Upon his request, Arnold had been given a change of clothes far more suitable for the sweltering heat, even if he did feel a bit like Lawrance of Arabia, and was now enjoying a refreshing drink of water and some dried fruit that had never tasted so good. So far, nothing further had been shared with Arnold on the nature of the current situation and now he was feeling as relaxed as he could in oversized pyjamas, he had some questions.
The man and girl had eventually settled down nearby and seemed to be waiting, so Arnold decided to break the ice, ‘Who are you, why were you looking for me and what do you want?’
The man and girl looked at each other in surprise. ‘You do not know of us, O All Knowing One?’ asked the man.
’If I did I wouldn’t be asking, would I?’ Arnold replied. ‘And what’s with all this O Fantastic One?’
’Is this a test, O Magnificent One?’
’Just answer the question, O Long Winded One,’ but the sarcasm was lost on Arnold’s companion.
’I’m Amir,’ the man began, ‘and this is Fahdah,’ he continued motioning to the girl. ‘We are an heir to the desert as far as the horizon reaches and a humble guardian and we have found the One who will restore the heir’s right to reign. You.’
’That’s very interesting Amir, but what makes you think I’m the one you’re looking for?’
’You are a genie, are you not?’ Amir enquired.
’Yes, I was meaning to talk to you about that.’
’And you were at the tearoom waiting for us just as our astronomers predicted,’ Amir continued.
’Yes, that too, but we’re talking about two different tearooms on opposite sides of the world,’ retorted Arnold.
’When we met you were also on the other side of the world!’ exclaimed Amir. ‘Your powers are greater than we could have ever dreamed.’
’That’s not the point I was making,’ Arnold tried to explain, but he knew before he had finished that he was fighting a losing battle and promptly gave in.
’We are waiting to fulfill your wishes, O…’
’That’s enough of that,’ Arnold cut him short, ‘Why don’t you just call me Arnold.’
’O A’hnaj, as you command.’
Arnold sighed. Things seemed to be beyond his control, quite apart from the fact that he was in an unknown desert in a foreign country, his only companions semed to be suffering from delusions not only that he was some kind of mystical power, but also that he was saying something totally different to the words coming out of his mouth.
Amir disturbed his train of thought. ‘We should leave before first light, of course.’
’What!’ replied Arnold, ‘I’ve only just arrived!’
’I meant, if it is your command, we’ll leave before first light, O…’
Arnold interrupted Amir by putting a friendly arm around his wide shoulders and guiding him into the furthest corner of the tent away from Fahdah. ‘Look Amir, am I right in thinking that I’m the saviour of…’ He look round at Fahdah and she smiled back. ‘Poor girl!’ Arnold said, then added, ‘Poor you, poor me come to think of it!’
’O A’hnaj, we are not poor, we still have considerable wealth at our disposal.’
’Ah, why didn’t you say? How much exactly considering the whole heir to the desert as far as the horizon reaches thing?’ Arnold asked.
’Virtually unlimited, but…’ Amir began.
’Why is there always a but?’ Arnold wondered out loud.
’...but it is safely stored in secret places.’
Arnold was almost afraid to ask, ‘Where?’
Amir grinned, ‘O A’hnaj, I have no idea, they are secret. I am sure you will reveal them to us in good time, no?’
Arnold was too bowled over by the circumstances to get frustrated, which was probably a good thing considering the situation. He was having trouble getting things straight, so he tried to apply maximum concentration to the information he knew. Young Fahdah had been deposed from her rightful place as ruler and now she and her faithful bodyguard were on the run, running in fact towards him, who would be the answer to their prayers and they could all live happily ever after.
’Last question,’ Arnold said. ‘Who is the bad guy?’
’Bad guys, I’m afraid O A’hnaj. A ruthless gang of robbers, three brothers.’
’Robbers, attacking trains crossing the desert I suppose.’ Adam concluded.
’Oh no, O A’hnaj, before they siezed power for themselves they were royal advisers on all matters concerning trade.’
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Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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By some of your word choices I’d say your aiming this at a tween to teen age group.
I question the need for “of course” in the opening sentence.
“hadn’t closed his eyes even,” I’d take out even unless you like the Snagglepuss voice popping in the readers head.
“flimsey arabic style clothing” I would re-word this. Flimsy isn’t working for me.
I’m not going to read this all and eat up all your credits with my nitpicking. I would suggest revising thoroughly then re-posting.
Read it out loud to yourself and if a word doesn’t come out right cut it out.
Then take each sentence and see if you can tighten it up more.
Hope this helps
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gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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I really want to help you with this. My critique may be harsh Plz. chk my profile. On any given day I handle 2 dzn. children’s book for review. I also critique 100’s in publication. I want to qualify myself because I think the story here has a lot of merit.
I am not going to comment on spelling, punctuation, tense or such.
I am going to comment on your ratings/rankings, not nitpicking, and yes that will come big time down the road.
Publishable: You understand the correct format for tabbing paragraphs and dialogue. I would suggest caricatures or drawings for each page. Colorful book cover.
Development of main character/protagonist Arnold,
mistake: Arnold Jeany, is his name, but Jeany sounds so close to a girl’s name. I think you could just have Arnold.
Development of antagonist/Arnold,.
This would attract a publisher if you had several other stories.
I think it would fall in to pre-teen genre.
I think I tried to write an indepth view of what is needed.
J_Lynn reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, it definately has an interesting start. I think in terms of an age recomendation maybe ten through fifteen? In a way it reminds me of the A Series of Unfortunate Events series, and A Wrinkle in Time series and would probably do well with the same set of readers. I would work on the first sentence, I like the feel of it and the way it opens the story, but not the actual wording.
Reading it I wanted to know more about the main characters. You introduce Arnold Jeanie (I loved the a Genie / A. Jeanie idea) and through him we meet the other characters, but we really know nothing about Arnold. We have no physical description, nothing to help us picture him in our minds. If we’re to follow him through the story I personally would like to know a little bit about him. Also the woman Fadhah, maybe we just haven’t gotten to her yet but I feel like she’s less of a character right now and more part of the background.
Another thing I would like to see more firmly established is setting, where was the tea room? Where is Arnold getting whisked away from?
Besides seeing certain parts of the story expanded I really don’t have much to offer. I enjoyed it and thought it was just quirky enough to have a lot of fun with without being too quirky to the point of losing the readers interest. I would continue on with the story as I think it would be worth the time to finish it out. I certainly hope you post more of it as I would love to continue reading it. Good job and thanks for sharing it!
MichaelDark reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi!
I hope this review serves you. Since it is a challenge to acrately transpose format onto URBIS, I’ll not be commenting on things like ‘indentation’.
Pg.1
Line 2/8: Perhaps multiple, shorter sentences?
Remember when using commas: In oreder to be accurate the fragments pre and post must make sense by forming a complete sentence as if the commas weren’t there. Keep in mind that although success may be achieved ‘gramatically’ particular attention should be paid to how ‘easy’ of a read it is, espically if this will be for children.
Pg.2
Avoid repeating words and phrases in close proximity:(Settle the bill. The bill was satisfied)
‘Except’ at the start of the sentence doesn’t seem to fit.
Pg.4
‘What?’
You may need to consider this as a ‘young adult’ piece.
I’m intrigued, so good job!
It kept my attention and there are many directions that the story may take. I say, “Keep writing”.
MD
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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In general I found this quite entertaining. You have set up an excellent protagonist in zany situation. The dialogue is natural and witty.
Particulars:
I would lose “very bizarre” and go straight to the description (and be more descriptive) of the two looking for a Genie.
I became interested in the story at the Genie/Jeany. Anything you can do to make this happen a bit sooner would strengthen this beginning.
Love the transition to the hotter climate.
Small dark figure leaving the tearoom is a good cliffhanger, but the description of the figure could be spookier.
Arnold seems like a lovable dope at first but then changes to be sarcastic later (“O Long-Winded One”).
Proofreading notes:
However as they = However, as they . . . (Leaving out the comma after However at the beginning of the sentence changes the meaning to No matter how as in However hard he tried, he couldn’t do it.)
tearoom or tea room or tea-room?
ago, in fact (Comma splice. Remedy: use the semicolon here.)
dried fruit . . . never tasted so good. (Logic problem. Arnold hasn’t actually tasted this dried fruit before, so he wouldn’t have a frame of reference for this thought. What you mean, I think, is that Arnold had never tastes something as good as the fruit.)
the heir’s right (In the sentence prior to this one, you use heirs. If you are still talking about the plural heirs, this should be heirs’.)
’When we met you were (comma after met to prevent misreading)
control, quite apart (Comma splice. Remedy: use a colon here to show that what follows explains what is out of control.)
siezed = seized
LAluver4ever reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, this is a good start. I’m afraid that it wasn’t enough to really get into it though, so I hope you’ll post up more of it. It is interesting, and I was kind of disappointed to be left hanging. There wasn’t enough info about the characters yet to get a better idea of who they really are. As for the age range, I was thinking maybe around 6th grade, like maybe from the ages 11-14. Keep it up! =]
hockeyslife reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you should continue. You’ve set up quite the story here. However, I don’t think of this as a children’s book. Your wording is far too complex for children. I’d say it should be put into Young Adult, in the 13-18 age range. I’d like to read more of this, as you have an interesting plot line so far and I believe that you can continue to establish more about your character and his background. The only thing that needs fixing is the grammar and punctuation of the piece, but all that can be fixed with editing. If you continue, I’d recommend to add more detail to places and characters, especially since I don’t think you should continue it as a Children’s work. Well done.
littlegreenpills reviewed Version 1 -
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I think the overall idea is very well suited to a children’s novel; it’s fun and quirky and there’s a lot of scope for flights of fancy. I think the case of mistaken identity is very promising. As it stands though, you do need to do an awful lot of work on it before it’s publishable. There is a element common to books as dissimilar as The Hobbit, The Phantom Tollbooth and Harry Potter, and all the best children’s stories. They all feature very strong and idiosyncratic characters; it’s important to really feed the reader’s visual imagination. I don’t think you have really managed that here. I can’t picture very well what Arnold looks like, for a start. There ought to be some time spent at or near the beginning telling us who he is, what he does, what sort of a person he is, and it would really help to have one or two features that really stick out and help us picture him.
The same goes for the other characters in the story as well; for instance when Amir and Fahdah first show up, their strange appearance is summed up in “very flimsey arabic style clothing”. You can easily do better than this! The swish of their light, shapeless robes, perhaps? Maybe it was hard to tell their age and sex when they first walked in? And what did everyone else in the coffee shop do? The little shorthand phrases you use like “ethnic”, “authentically oriental” and even “bedouin tent”, regardless of whether a child would immediately understand what they were supposed to mean exactly, represent sorely lost opportunities to flesh your world out.
I also think you have problems with the pacing. 1450 words, for a paperback novel, represents approximately six pages. At the end of six pages, he has come rapidly to terms with being whisked away to another world, and is chatting friendly and matter-of-factly to a pair of apparent Arabs – with the language barrier mysteriously removed – and calmly abstracts out that “Young Fahdah had been deposed from her rightful place as ruler and now she and her faithful bodyguard were on the run, running in fact towards him, who would be the answer to their prayers and they could all live happily ever after.” Maybe he knows what to expect for some reason – maybe this is exciting and thrilling rather than terrifying and confusing to him, who knows? But there has to be a reason why, and if you explain it and flesh it out, your story will be so much the better.
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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’Just answer the question, O Long Winded One,’ but the sarcasm was lost on Arnold’s companion. -my favorite line!
companions semed to be suffering – seemed
desert I suppose.’ Adam concluded. -who is Adam? Is that supposed to be Arnold?
seized, not siezed
Minor spelling errors only, this is cute. I love Arnold being caught up in this and warming up to being the “All knowing one.” The only thing I really see is the target audience. Too young for 7? Maybe 10 and up. I do love it though.
djsquared reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok. I’ll be honest. I did not read the entire submission so feel free to request a refund. I will not be offended. However, at first glance I can certainly say that your intended audience is not sophisticated enough with sentence composition or reading comprehension to enjoy this story. At least, this is based on my 15 years as an educator. The poor literacy of the few thousand children I have worked with leads me to believe they are going to be turned off by the complexity of your first few sentences. Most children, and many even well beyond the age of your intended audience (some adults, sadly) are still struggling to decode. Automaticity hasn’t developed for many until well after high school. Thus, while your story may be intriguing to the well read, very few 7-12 year old children will be able to do more than merely pronounce your words. You may want to select a different audience, or simplify your syntax and semantics. Perhaps, become well read in the sentence structures that appeal to a wide spectrum of 7-12 year old readers as evidenced by the books that sell best to that audience.
A cursory scan revealed some spelling errors and grammar defects.
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