Poetry / I need time

The punctuation is excessive. You put a full stop at the end of each verse, so that they don’t make sense. For example the second line “Just give me yours and I’ll give you mine.”, what are yours and mine? I guess you are talking about time, but with a full stop on the previous line, it isn’t clear.
I think you should work more on structure and on words, because what we see here is just a block of repeated words: “need”; “know”; “time”; “grow”; “give”, that make your poem very momotonous and static on the same idea on and on, that is: you need more time with the person you love.
The title is ” I need time”, (I’d add “with you”), but here is all the poem. We cannot find more ideas or images reading on, so I think you should make it shorter or add something new.
“It’s not where your at but who your with”, there’s a grammar mistake “your” instead of “you’re”.
Hope this can help!

You have obviously spent a lot of time crafting this piece and shows in your careful structure and rhythm along with the rhyming. But I find the piece dull and that you have evaded the real issue. Why does the narrator need time? What is it about them that stops them from being with this person right now? Explore that issue, delve into your feelings and explain to the reader. Show them the motivations and desires.

There are lots of repetitions here that you don’t need. You could cut quite a few lines. You say “What I need now I really don’t know.” But then negate that in the next line by saying “I just know that I will always continue to grow.”  Do you know, or don’t you?   Also, it should be they’re not their. You mean to say they are gone and the their you have used is used for possession.

At the moment it is an average piece. I don’t find anything remarkable in it. But I think if you let go of the need to rhyme every line and be so strict then you have the freedom to really explore the human psyche and express what this person is thinking.

Best of luck x

I can relate so easily to all of your work.  This one especially.  I think this would also make a good song.  But your rhythms are a little off in a couple of lines which are too long.  Then again, I’m not sure how to change it.  Anyway, well said.

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July 22, 2008

by vickiebellew

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	Greenville, SC	December 03

Thank you for taking time to read my work. Not many will relate to it because my works are from my heart and life and sometimes I don’t even understand why I’m feeling some things.

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Hi there,

I enjoyed the smooth flow of this piece. You have probably already been told many times of the one typo of changing ‘fond’ to ‘find’. A very direct but not forceful piece, for who it is intended for. I hope, becuase I do sence some desperation that ‘it’ works out for you. So much poetry is created thru a depressive state, hence its natural creative it. Very nice work! me…

i think the general idea was established well and i like the topic but i think you need to work on the ending, it is kind of left hanging and something seems lacking…maybe add another line or two just to wrap it up before you end it because right now it seems really rushed and abrupt. like, it was only just building up and then it peaked and then ended all of a sudden. it lacks fluidity to it. and ironically, it seems as if you lacked time spent on it like you started it and then didn’t really have time so you just ended it haphazardly just to get it over with.

i really enjoyed this a lot. i know where its coming from, you need time to be sure that the love is real and that its right.. “so give me some time if you want love to grow” i really really liked that, it defiantly speaks to me.
this whole poem has really nice flow and clarity.
good job!