thanks…St. Louis misses you…
Non-fiction / Don't Eat the Snow: My Winter of Disrepair
We had a blizzard yesterday.
At least, that’s what the news channels were calling it. Bottom line, it snowed…a lot. They warned us. By 9:am, the world was covered in a blanket of soft fluffy snow.
Schools were smart; they closed. The public education system is required by law to care about the general well-being of the student body.
Safety concerns, apparently, are something we grow out of as we hit adulthood. It goes hand in hand with giving up a rousing game of kick ball at recess and the afternoon nap.
And believe me, I miss those naps.
So while children were nestled safely at home, enjoying the miracles of nature, I was at work…
Instead of sending us home, before the highways became a death trap on ice, they rewarded us by ordering pizza for lunch.
So not only were we not going to avoid the blizzard, but my company thought it’d be fun to also endanger the life of some poor kid paying for community college by virtue of delivering pizzas.
I just sat there in my fabric lined den of despair watching the snow cover my car, the parking lot, the street…
I was wondering how long it was going to take to get home.
St. Louis doesn’t handle adverse weather conditions very well. It’s anarchy on the streets. Normal rules and laws don’t apply, and common sense goes out the window.
I’m okay in the snow. I drive carefully and celebrate four-wheel drive. I’m not worried about me.
It’s everyone else. They’re nuts.
People can barely make it from point A to B on a clear, dry, spring afternoon.
So, Corporate Charlie eventually decided that after 5 hours and 10 inches of snow, it was time to send us home. I took a deep breath, and grabbed my briefcase. I made a special point to hit the bathroom before leaving, knowing it would be a long, arduous journey home.
I bundled up and headed out into the blizzard to dig my car out of a snow drift.
Thanks to the “Great Highway Shutdown” I have but one route home; a long stretch of Page Avenue, onto a highway, then another highway, then I’m safely back in the confines of the city and my beloved zip code, far from the office parks of the county.
Usually.
This time, I essentially pulled out of one parking lot right into another. Traffic was at a standstill, with no hope in sight.
One hour brought me less than a quarter mile. Aside from the tail lights directly in front of me, and a crap load of snow falling, I could see nothing.
It felt like the end of the world…or at least a scene from a movie about the end of the world–people were abandoning their vehicles in the middle of traffic. They just left their cars in the road and began walking.
I watched one car to my right, stuck, and desperately trying to move forward, to no avail. As my truck crept forward a few feet, I thought about helping the stranded car, but that would just block more traffic, and let’s not sugar coat it, I wouldn’t be much help.
Eventually I made it to the top of a hill. I could at least see the cause of the snow-blind grid lock: At the bottom of the hill was another hill, just waiting to stop all the fuel efficient rear wheel drive cars in front of me.
I watched as every third car got stuck for about 10-15 minutes, wheels spinning, the smell of burning rubber filling the air.
Eventually, almost miraculously, they all eventually made it over the hill.
The stranded cars were occasionally broken up with delivery trucks and semis jack knifing, getting stuck at the bottom of the hill, blocking all lanes of traffic. I watched them spend close to a half hour putting chains on the tires, their curse words turning to fog as they hit the air.
I read three chapters of a book before my car moved an inch.
At one point, I opened my windows, and let it snow inside my truck, letting the harsh winter air cool my lungs. I stuck out my tongue and let a snowflake fall on it. I hadn’t done that since I was a kid. For some reason it made me feel better.
When I got home, nearly 3 hours later, I saw a news report about the large amounts of bacteria found in fresh, falling snow.
It was at that point that I really, officially hated winter.
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Fazzerelli reviewed Version 2 -
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Who doesn’t enjoy a gripe about the weather, so entertaining definately and nice points throughout i.e.: pizza delivery guy, snowflake on tongue, etc. However the theme’s not too original, our rear wheel drive car is a dream for driving uphill in snow/mud/etc. and is the bacteria in fresh snow true? One last thing we can get this weather for about 5 months of the year, so I think the articles popularity would depend on climate.
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eagerlot reviewed Version 2 -
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Having lived in St. Louis, they do indeed have crazy winters sometimes. This story really brought me back to those times. I liked the short sentence structures as if they were thoughts creeping through the driver’s mind. Your analogies are good as well.
sjvance reviewed Version 2 -
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And believe me, I miss those naps. -love this line
I love it, the ending is hilarious! Don’t change a thing, this is fun reading, I was stuck in traffic with your character.
trident reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a very well constructed piece, and is obviously a chapter in a much larger work.
I particularly like the short choppy cadence, and the constant wrong-footing of the reader. You have to read (and in many cases, re-read) every line.
Two points to draw your attention to…
1. This line…
“Instead of sending us home, before the highways became a death trap on ice…”
In anyone elses story i’d say it was a good line, but it seems to lack the fertile imagination of the rest of the piece, and
2. You get a bit bogged down (excuse the pun) in the description of the traffic chaos on the hill. That needs to be treated with the same ‘cut & thrust’ as the rest of the story.
Neither of these points are critical, but I’m sure you could dress them up a little better. Message me when you’ve got the rest of the story done :-)
manic_mind reviewed Version 1 -
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First, I’d like to say that I enjoyed the humor in your piece, especially the part about discovering the presence of bacteria in the snow after you let some land on your tongue. Now, on to the nitty gritty. I feel that you used the pronouns “I” and “I’m” too much, and your sentences were too short. I understand that some of that is needed to relay the tone of the piece, but varying your sentence structure a bit would improve your work – such as beginning a few sentences with prepositional phrases. I think you would more effectively draw your readers in to the story if more sensory imagery were incorporated. Overall, your piece was humorous and painted a nice picture of the character, but it didn’t really make me feel like I was there.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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“This time, I essentially pulled out of one parking lot right into another.”—i like this line. great way to describe driving (or not driving as the case may be) in snow-laden traffic.
ha. cute story/essay. enjoyed it.
a man yearns for his naps as a child while wrestling with the responsibilities of adulthood, mercifully gets cut loose from the corporate grind thanks to old man winter, battles traffic, has an innocent moment in which he re-visits childhood, and later, his moment is blackened by that damned world of cynicism and harshness.
it was a nice, easy piece, with an easy UP as the man takes the snowflake, and an equally easy DOWN as he discovers that he’s probably got bacteria raging through his body. well done.
good, simple imagery. thanks for sharing.
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this piece terrifically entertaining. You place the reader in your office and truck locations perfectly and the traffic jam is very believable. I wonder about your format. Did you do these on purpose or is that an Urbis glitch? Anyway, conventional format probably works better. Your ending is very good as well, very satisfying. It brings your story to a close with a snap. Good job.
Nitpicking:
page 1—”...it snowed…a lot” It’s probably better form to avoid using ellipsis in favor of a long dash to indicate pause here. Ellipsis usually indicate missing words. Also, it’s generally better form (and a rabid predjudice on the part of some editors) to write out numbers rather than use 5 or 10.
page 2—”...the world…or at least scene…” The same as the above on the ellipsis but probably a comma would work as well here. Also you’re missing [a] before “scene”.
”...10-15 minutes…” same as above.
page 3—”...jack knifing…” jack-knifing. ”...nearly 3 hours…” three
MTM reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very honest piece and had a nostolgic universal appeal to it for me.
I did enjoy your “bottom line it snowed”
But coming from Upper Wetern New York, where every time snowflake drops, they call for blizzards…I thought it would be like that withthis story..I did get the feel the weather people calling for a blizzard, was typical from that bottom line it snowed line, and that they got it all wrong..so a little conradiction there.
I loved the remenising about School recess, and even nap time!
I fall into the trap of overdescribing when I write, so just a suggestion, I would add even more sarcasam to bottom line it, snowed or, Every time it snows its a blizard they call for.
The pizza ordering, at work, had a nice cozy wintery “snowed in effect to it..so nice addition…I think all Winter drivers can relate to..I’m a good driver, I’m okay ..its the other guy whos nuts’... what I love about when people say this..is we really can only control our actions ..when driving, ..add trecherous ice. and elements…and other drivers doing their thing..its gets very scary… people do not like to admitt that fear..I think that showed in your writing weather you menat it to or not..
I really enjoyed this piece, but again I would clarify did the Weather man, over state calling for a lizzard or not? Since later your driving on iceskating rings? Because the blizzard is the central point.
Good read
Bluedolphin reviewed Version 1 -
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The only advise I have is to move:
“The stranded cars were occasionally broken…..” earlier in your story. I found it odd to read after you mentioned “all eventually made it over the hill.”
Overall I enjoyed it. I found it amusing, very descriptive, and good. I definitely got a feel for your mood and I loved the ending.
“bacteria found in fresh, falling snow.”
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