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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / The Damn Hard Truth

I was pretty much done with my skepticism—until he told me he drank. Last time there was talk of this, he was telling me he stopped it all—pills, alcohol, smoking—if it gave our relationship a chance. That was nearly two years ago… and it never crossed my mind.
Not until he brought it up again over the phone. He had a drink… and felt guilty. He knew I didn’t like him doing it, neither did his dad… but when did he ever care about what his dad thought? Who was he now? A changed man, apparently… someone he never used to be. He was offered another, but by then his guilty conscious had fully taken over.
I’ve always been an expert liar, and I put my skills to work right then and there. Me? Mad at him? No… Maybe I was in denial when I told him. It was just a strange feeling, shocking in a way, but also somewhat expected. In the past I had teased him: I knew that to be a musician meant dealing with temptations and outlets. I knew he would be drinking and that stuff again… he denied that. I persisted, but he denied it. I knew it would happen again.
I was right. I usually am with my hunches.

Later on I knew I was upset… Glad he told me, but upset.
Upset that he drank, when he said he wouldn’t… but was that really it?

No, that wasn’t the reason for watery eyes.

I was upset all over again… for being upset. It wasn’t right; he’s a kid, he can choose what he wants to do for himself. No girlfriend needed to baby him. Free will… that’s something I felt like I was restricting.

I also felt… not jealous, but alienated. I’ve never done any of that stuff, and here was a clique outside myself. Something they all shared that I couldn’t even scrape the surface on. It was borderline embarrassment; as if I was violating some sacred tie from months ago.

The acknowledgement of one’s own innocence bites back harder than any other realization I’ve ever witnessed. It is the hardest to deal with, for you know no better and you hate it. You hate your sheltered head almost as much as you hate the sin they commit. It’s vicious. It’s shocking. I almost want to run away from him… but I’d only be running away from life itself.

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