Poetry / In my time

This is not a poem from a simple mind but the time line is confusing, in my time usually refers back to a former time in one’s life, when they were young and that is how the poem starts off for me, remembering the beauty of youth, the flirtations and feelings of self confidence. Sitting with a nose in a book speaks of a sedentary life now. (as an aside, each line should not end with a period, it breaks up the flow, makes it choppy, commas or nothing at all at times would be better.) Then the poem states, “this is my time” but it already stated “in my time” there are too many time lines going on at once all called ‘my time.’ The past and the present should be delineated by different qualifiers, before my time, after my time are some thoughts. And what is the world to recognize? That’s an incomplete thought. Is the narrator through with being a coquette and now wants to run what race and do what or is she older and wants to retire? That she wants to leave a legacy is obvious, but what kind? This poem has potential but needs fine tuning.

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August 02, 2008

by vickiebellew

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48	F	Greenville, SC	December 03

Your comments are very helpful. Each of my pieces goes through many rewrites before it is as it should be. This one is another one that needs more work and with help like yours it may one day be a great piece. Thanks for giving me your time and input.

August 02, 2008

by Willow_Wren

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62	F	Germantown, NY	December 05

my pleasure, glad to be of help! :) oh, my work too goes through many phases, if they ever get done….

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Shut up with your simple mind crap! You know better than to pawn yourself off as simple. You write with wonderful passion girl. I love the build in this, wonderful!. A great closure as well. You keep on writing, for your work is far, far from done. Awesome piece! Take good care! me…

Hi there!

Very cleverly written, saying so much while covering such a span of your lefe. Kind of like spipping a stone over the smooth waters, watching it go by. You have encompassed in this short piece what it takes so many to do in a book. I love its simplicity but its down right cleverness and openness, nicely done. I’m sure you are well aware of the small typo by now. Good job here! me…

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July 04, 2008

by vickiebellew

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48	F	Greenville, SC	December 03

Thankyou Jadedpoet I just saw the typo. I’ve been so busy I hadn’t noticed. Looking forward to reading your work. write me anytime @ mishapmoma@yahoo.com

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I think your putting forth to many ideas in one short poem.  I wish you would have stuck with the idea that just because one is old one still has alot of life to live and shouldn’t hide away.  But then with the second stanza you brought up other points that didn’t exactly support your first one.  Takes away from the focus point.

this could be really great country music lyrics, all about a woman who isn’t quite done yet, thank you very much!

suggestions:

the first verse is good, the second loses rhythm with this line: In time I learned happiness is a state of mind/i’ve learned happines is a…
world we all)must be kind/omit (*)
And if in my time this is all I leave behind/if this is all i leave behind…

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May 28, 2008

by vickiebellew

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48	F	Greenville, SC	December 03

Thankyou for your input I value your opinion. Now if I could just find a county singer. My voice is not for music. I’m really an artist/sculptor.  Thanks again. Have a good one!

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This is a really simple poem. However the message was not….it is something that could only be learned through growth and wisdom. I was a little confused at a particular part though.”Just yesterday I gay coy looks.”—maybe I am just reading it wrong or just don’t understand the other meanings of gay….but I see it as Just yesterday I happy coy looks…? Please help me on that line.

“is a state of mind. “—-I think the i in is should be capitalized. “It’s time for me to be more than blue eyes.It’s time for the world to recognize.” Perhaps this should be broken into two sentences….I think it kind of stops the smooth flow the poem produces in the beginning. Last “And if in my tim  this is all I leave behind”..there should be an e at the end of time.

Other than that I really enjoyed this piece. I hope to get to that state of mind of happiness. I also hope to reach an age of enlightenment such as this poem shows. Like I stated to a previous writer….simple is poetry..a lost message is just that…lost.

Well, rather nice thoughts, but a bit contradictory. Decide if this is your time or if it was in the past. Also splitting it up into several stanzas will make it much easier to read.