Thanks for the idea. I’m trying to keep it completely true to what happened and use the filter of my own thinking to provide the humor.
I like your idea, however, I’ll decline the accept.
Humor/Satire / Superman Has Lost His Head (Analysis)
I suppose it was inevitable. What with two boys, two dogs and one house where the dirt swirls in with a strong wind, it’s destined to have happened at some point. But such a violent death seemed even beyond even the clumsy hands of my 6-year-old, Ian. How could he possibly be the one to murder the greatest superhero ever?
The evidence is clear: Superman was last seen in the vicinity of the stairs, head intact. I placed him there, though I admit it, it was a hard toss rather than a soft landing for the man. Cleaning the living room meant removing all debris: children’s toys, books, backpacks, and underwear (yes, even that creeps into our living space). Before I got to him in my cleaning fit, Superman had landed haphazardly in the middle of the floor only to be kicked up against the couch. His blue muscled arms were stretched over his head, his hard plastic cape extended out of his neck and stood erect. Toes pointed…not the manliest of poses. His years of ballet never crossed my mind.
I scooped him up with a few Pokemon cards, a marble and a piece of lint. The cards and the marble made it to the step along with Superman, head firmly seated on shoulders, arms tucked up, head out…determination in his scowl.
The next thing I know, Ian with brown expressive eyes is telling Dave, my husband, that Superman’s head came off. His head lay crudely in the middle of the floor tucked among the bags of paper recycling Dave never gets around to taking out. The leftover body lay on top of the cricket house. Amazingly, Ian isn’t upset that his coin shooting hero is destined for the dump.
I take up the man-doll and try to calculate the amount of effort it takes to throw him out versus the effort to fix an American icon. Can icons ever be fixed once they’ve fallen? I wonder. His neck is unfortunately snapped cleanly off. A singular blue nub rests where Clark Kent’s alter-ego should have been. No wonder he lost his head.
Just as I’m contemplating the repair, Ian bursts into the room in full regalia. Bat ears don his brown haired head, his eyes peek out from a black mask. His own black cape billows around him just like in the movies.
Superman is lost to Batman and it all becomes clear. Jealous rivalries, vying for little boys’ attention, icons at war, right here in my home. I scoop up Superman’s body and chuck it into the overflow of trash. His head is nowhere to be found; kicked, presumably, between bags to mingle with the dust bunnies.
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Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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honey69_1986 reviewed Version 1 -
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snarfus reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s cute, but it’s not exactly funny. You’d need to go more over the top with it. Maybe mention some more of Superman’s supporting cast, or mention how you did a brief scan for Kryptonite or Red Sun Generators.
Also, maybe you can go into the differences between Batman & Superman and why your son may’ve chosen one over the other. At the very least, say you’re concerned about your son being the Dark Knight, because Batman’s parents get killed fairly early on.
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wltshr reviewed Version 1 -
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matthewtrent reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a distinct voice and the writing is sound. I think in order for this to be more than a momentary smirk (and this is in my opinion), I would flush out more of the duality of the iconic heroes versus the short attention span of a child. Perhaps a pursuit by your husband out in the dead of winter to replace this prized toy of your child with the punchline being the emphasis not to scar the child with a potentially traumatic event only to find the child has moved on. Just a suggestion. Great job and keep writing.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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opening paragraph is good. good voice, intro to character, conflict. nice.
“in the vicinity of the stairs, head intact”—i choked when i read this line. funny. good.
“Cleaning the living room meant removing all debris:”—this segment is good, but i wonder if it should come here and not closer to the end. the following description of superman and his awkward poses might be funnier (and the discovery that we’re talking about a toy here) closer to the end. but let me keep reading. this is funny stuff.
“Can icons ever be fixed once they’ve fallen?”—great line
“No wonder he lost his head.”—funny, but the fact that the hero is “headless” had been repeated throughout the piece. maybe consider cutting a couple. or not. it’s still funny.
“between bags to mingle with the dust bunnies.”—awesome last line.
overall-
cute and clever and very fun.
criticisms?
again, maybe try to string out the mystery just a tad longer. or not. even with the knowledge early on that we’re talking about a toy, still a pleasure to read.
well done.
Marat reviewed Version 1 -
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Very fun story to read. I admit you really caught me off guard with the ending and him not being upset at any bit. It explores the futality of a childs love and then almost distaste for their heros , its a fun read here.
JaCarloHairston reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good short story. The title makes you expect something totally different then when you read it your relieve and then it’s funny as hell. Very good story I didn’t see any technical problems that jumped out at me.
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s well described. I really like the descriptions you have made of the superman figurine and I can clearly visualise your apartment. But this is not what I would call a humour piece. You have talent for writing, you have a good way of showing things. Maybe it is my particular sense of humour but I don’t find this funny really. It’s a nice twist at the end with the little boy coming in as batman and them being rivals, and that shows promise.
My personal opinion which would make this funny is if the way the boy killed superman could be described in a realistic way, a parallel as if he were not a plastic figure, but told tongue in cheek.
Gaeltree reviewed Version 1 -
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But such a violent death seemed even beyond even the clumsy hands of my 6-year-old, – the first even should go.
Toes pointed…not the manliest of poses. His years of ballet never crossed my mind. – Brilliant!
A singular blue nub rests where Clark Kent’s alter-ego should have been. No wonder he lost his head. – Sorry I’ve missed the reference here. Why ‘no wonder’?
Overall good.
I’d say the main problem is that the first paragraph sets up an expectation that kinda feels unfulfilled at the end.
The second paragraph also begins with a line that promises more along the lines of reminisces, reverie, anecdote etc. I suspect you need to build up a little more tension before getting to the cleaning fit. Possibly other encounters with missing toys etc or other examples of what havoc 2 boys in a home can wreak…
The third paragraph is redundant by virtue of hanging on its own. It probably would do better as the start of the fourth paragraph.
Basically, think about restructuring – the first para to lay it out, second para teases more, third para reveals, epilogue.
Finally, it’s both diary and humour, even with creative license.
Cheers
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