Curt,
Thanks sooooo much for the review! I was waiting on yours, then edit, then submit. You RULE! Thanks again1
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Windows to the Soul (part 1)
Prologue
The searing pain in his head woke him from one of the only peaceful moments he had now. There had been periods of consciousness several times, but none had been for long. A moan ensued as the pain now brought him to full consciousness. His hands went instinctively to cradle his head but were stopped midway; handcuffs and chains shackled him to the wall. The right side of his body ached from exposure to the cold cement floor. A small window cast a faint light in the room but looking at it only caused intensity in the pain he was feeling. Waves of nausea were sweeping over him, causing his body to wretch; the pain stabbing at his body each time.
Trying to pinpoint where his pain originated was difficult, as it seemed to travel from head to toe. Lying back again, he concentrated on trying to relax his muscles a little at a time. Once he felt that he’d become as relaxed as possible, he could tell the most extreme pain was from his right knee, shoulder, and the back of his head. The cuffs were biting into his wrists and ankles, as well.
With great effort he tried to take in his surroundings, raising himself to rest on an elbow. Behind him, the bare cement wall where the chains were bolted that shackled his hands and feet. Ahead of him, old shelves stuffed full of junk, with old car parts and tires stacked along the right hand wall. The wall to the left had rickety wooden stairs leading to somewhere out of his vision. He attempted to test the cuffs but the pain became too intense. He became aware that the room was a basement, but where? Who had brought him here and why was he bound? He tried to lift himself into a sitting position, which only caused him to cry out. He lay back and closed his eyes against the invading pain.
He was suddenly aware of a figure standing over him. Before he could fully comprehend the dark form, he felt a vicious kick connect with his ribcage. He grabbed at his side as the breath left his lungs. The dark form laughed as it ascended the stairs and slammed a door behind it.
Chapter One
“It’s okay Terrance, he’s with me,” Detective Steven Johnson turned to see his Captain barreling down the hallway toward him. The security officer that stopped him at the doorway, gave him a last scathing look and walked away. Captain Billings joined Johnson in the lobby of the fancy apartment building. Billings motioned for the detective to follow, and they headed down the hallway.
”Steven, this young man went missing early this morning,” Captain Billings said. ”Twenty-six years of age, six-foot, dark hair, Italian, name is Julian Giovanni. His wife said he left around 4:30 a.m., his normal time to run before he goes to work. Usually runs for one hour, then back for a quick shower before heading out.” The Captain stopped and turned to look Johnson in the eye. There was a tense look on the Captain’s face. He suddenly looked a lot older than Johnson remembered.
“This kid has lots of friends in high places Steven, so let’s get this thing solved fast,” he said. They continued walking as the Captain relayed known facts about the case. ”Not a single sign of him anywhere, vehicle is still in the parking garage. Security is pulling the camera tapes as we speak.” Johnson wondered who was pushing to find this “kid.” Steven watched as his superior huffed and waddled his way down the hallway. His almost bald head was covered with sweat beads that gleamed like raindrops under the hallway lights.
”Head’s up,” Billings said. ”The missing man’s wife and in-laws are here, and so is Judge Keefdon.”
Ah! Johnson thought, the answer to the “who was pushing” question in his mind.
“Keefdon? What’s he doing here?” Johnson asked. He knew Keefdon to be the worst judge to deal with in the county. Fair, but extremely anal-retentive. Going to his chambers for a warrant signature without the t’s crossed meant being thrown out on your ass. He was notorious for his sternness in court and any defense attorney would cringe when seeing his name appear on anything to do with their case.
“He’s pretty close to the Giovanni’s I hear,” Billings said.
The two men finally arrived at the penthouse apartment door where two uniformed officers stood post. Johnson had been in wealthy homes before but was still impressed with the penthouse. The front door entered into a huge living room with dark tiled floors and leather furniture. To the back of the living room, the dining area with floor to ceiling glass looked out onto the most amazing view of New York City that Johnson could remember seeing. He tried to imagine the view at night; the city lights could make even this filthy city look beautiful.
The right side of the living area held a black marble fireplace, inside, a cozy crackling fire. The mantel was massive with a large painting hanging above it and several smaller, silver framed pictures on the mantel piece itself. The large painting, Johnson would later find out, was the home and grounds of the original, 1800’s, Giovanni estate in Sicily. At a distance, the smaller pictures looked to be portraits of various people. Johnson headed left to where the investigative team members gathered evidence.
He found himself in the master bedroom. The team members busied themselves with bagging hair and carpet samples and dusting for prints. The room was huge with black wooden floors and the furniture all matched the floor color. A huge dresser, two chests and a massive bed were placed around the room. There was a big armoire that discretely held a flat screen television and music system. Johnson was impressed. Being a New York City cop didn’t usually lead to scenes as impressive as what he saw here. Being a cop also didn’t pay anywhere close to what this apartment cost each month. Captain Billings soon entered the room to join Johnson.
There were his and her walk-in closets that appeared bigger than Johnson’s entire apartment. The “his” side housed Italian suits and shoes and every color of shirt you could think of, with matching ties. There were casual clothes here and there, but the fancy suits far outnumbered them. A glassed in jewelry case held Rolex watches, diamond rings, tie bars and cuff links, among other miscellaneous and very expensive jewelry.
Johnson opened the “her” closet. Twice as many shoes, he couldn’t believe his eyes. ”Glad I’m single. Can you imagine how much just the shoes in this apartment cost?” Captain Billings said. Clothes lined the walls; evening gowns, dresses, ladies suits, cashmere sweaters, silk robes, designer jeans, a massive amount of clothing. There were clothes with tags still on them, never worn. Purses, sunglasses, Prada, Vera Wang, Donna Karen and designers that Johnson had never heard of hung in this closet. The “her” glassed in jewelry case was packed full of beautiful pieces of jewelry.
Detective Johnson spoke with Detective Sonora Gomez, as she took off the latex gloves that were required gear at a possible crime scene.
”Find anything Sonora?” he asked.
”Hi Steven. Nothing yet. No signs of a struggle, no blood evidence, nothing,” she said. ”We gathered some DNA stuff and prints. We are almost finished here.”
”Let me know if you get anything out of the ordinary once you get into the lab, will you?” Johnson asked.
”You got it.” The team packed up and headed for the door.
The rest of the penthouse had been scanned by the team. Three guest bedrooms with private baths, kitchen, and an office, all with no visible evidence that anything unusual had happened in them.
”Captain, how does someone so young have so much?” Johnson asked.
“Old money Steven. Old, Italian money,” Billings answered.
”Daniel! Where are those security tapes? Have you found anything yet?” Judge Keefdon barked as the Captain and Johnson re-entered the living area. The Judge was leaning against the fireplace mantel, his left hand was planted firmly on his hip, a frown knitted his heavy black eyebrows together. His black handlebar mustache danced as he spoke but not one hair on his perfectly coiffed head moved out of place.
“No, your honor sir,” Billings answered. ”I mean, we haven’t viewed the security tapes yet sir, they are being loaded now sir.”
God, what a brown noser, Johnson thought as he tried to disappear from view of the judge.
”And what about you Johnson? Are you investigating or standing around with your head up your ass?” Keefdon said.
“I arrived ten minutes ago Judge. Captain Billings has been filling me in on…,” he said.
“I don’t care what he is filling you in on! This kid means a lot to his family and to this community and I want the entire police force dedicated, one hundred percent, to finding him as quickly as possible!” Keefdon’s veins stood out on his neck and forehead now. One particular blue shaded one zigzagged from the right side of his forehead to the left temple. Johnson found himself staring at it while the Judge’s rant went on and on. It seemed to pulsate with each word the Judge screamed out, pulsating away from his forehead, reaching for Johnson. ”Hello! Are you two listening to me?” the Judge said. Johnson snapped back to reality and averted his eyes from the Judge.
“Yes sir, we are listening to your every word sir!” Billings said.
Johnson walked over to the mantle to scan the family pictures. He immediately recognized the face of the missing young man. The judge had been right about how much Julian Giovanni meant to this community. Giovanni had established four inner city youth centers in the past four years and was directly responsible for helping troubled teens and gang members change their lives and become contributing members of society. A lot of former gang members now actively worked with Giovanni to help more members escape their dangerous lives. Judge Keefdon sent many of the troubled teens to Giovanni for help from his courtroom.
The face staring back at him from the picture was not only breathtakingly beautiful, but had a kind look in his eyes that would draw anyone into conversation. A confident look with a softness that made you know he had something important to say that he felt could change your life. Not a typical “Christian” look, his hair was long and jet black, tanned olive skin and the most amazing blue eyes, the color of a turquoise ocean on a clear, sunny day. The smile displayed brilliant white, perfectly aligned teeth. Johnson had never seen anyone, male or female, so striking in all his life. All plastic surgery I bet, he was thinking to himself.
”Steven, the family is waiting for us here,” Billings said, breaking him from his train of thought. Johnson looked around the room to find the Judge was saying his goodbye’s to the Giovanni family that had gathered together on the sofa.
The two men walked over to the family, Johnson introduced himself to the group and let them know how sorry he felt to meet in such circumstances but there were a few questions to ask.
Julian’s wife, Allicia was a beautiful young lady. Twenty four, shoulder length dark brown hair, huge brown eyes that filled with tears that would not stop flowing. Her small hands fidgeted with a handkerchief, visibly soaked with her tears. Her impressive diamond ring caught the light as she twisted the handkerchief.
“Something has happened to him, I feel it. Why hasn’t someone called to let us know something?” she cried into the handkerchief. Beside her on the couch sat her parents, Jim and Kathe Warren. Kathe held her daughter close and tried her best to comfort Allicia.
“Mrs. Giovanni, is there any reason that your husband would have left of his own accord?” Steven asked. Allicia stared up at him with a questioning look on her face.
“What do you mean?” she asked
“Is there any reason for him to leave, maybe you have been arguing or he is under a lot of pressure? Could it be possible that he is seeing someone else and may have decided to leave?”
“No! There is no reason for him to not be home He left this morning and I haven’t seen him or heard a word from him, can’t you understand that?” she said.
“This is totally uncalled for!” Jim stood up from the couch. His wife put her hand on his arm and pulled him gently back onto the couch.
“Jim, he has to ask these questions. He doesn’t know Julian. I’m sure there are procedures to follow when something like this happens,” she said.
“That is correct. I certainly don’t mean to imply anything about your husband Mrs. Giovanni. We have calls such as this all the time and, at times, the husband simply left the home. We will investigate every possible avenue in this case, including those I just mentioned.”
Questioning the family was brief, the in-laws were in for a visit from North Dakota, and Julian planned on taking his father-in-law with him to his main office after his morning run. His cell phone never left his side and numerous calls and messages had gone unanswered. They were distraught to the point where Johnson instantly knew they had nothing to do with the disappearance. Any seasoned detective could tell with being on this job for long, when someone was trying to cover themselves. He saw genuine fear and uncertainty in their faces and heard it in their voices.
”May I ask what your husband does for a living?” Johnson said.
”My husband operates several centers for teens. He began them four years ago while he was still in college,” Allicia said.
”How does he support himself and the centers?” Johnson asked.
”My husband is from a very wealthy family Detective Johnson. We have no money worries at all,” she answered.
”Is there anyone in his past, or now, who would want to harm Mr. Giovanni that you are aware of?”
”Not that I can think of. There was a man that was causing some problems when we first married. I think his last name was Stewart. I don’t remember his first, but as far as I know his harassment stopped several months ago,” she said.
”And what was the nature of Stewart’s problem with your husband?” Johnson asked.
”His son entered the program at the center and I guess that Stewart wasn’t too happy about it. Judge Keefdon and the courts can give kids the choice of going to the program or entering the juvenile system. Usually this is done when child services have taken custody from the parents,” she said.
”What are you thinking Detective Johnson? Do you think someone like that has something to do with Julian’s disappearance?” Kathe asked.
“It is simply a starting point for the investigation, ma’am.” Kidnapping is another possibility that we must consider. We have agents on the way now that will tap into your phone lines in case you receive a call saying that he’s been kidnapped. If this is the case the F.B.I. will be called,” he said.
No more did the words leave his mouth than the officers appeared with their equipment. While the team sat up, Johnson instructed the family on answering any phone calls.
“Do not tell the caller that you have contacted the police. Do not make plans to meet them anywhere without instructions from us. Try to keep them on the line as long as possible, this helps us to trace the call or get background noises for possible locations of the caller. The officers will go over more details with you when they are set, but for now remember these.”
The private elevator door to the penthouse opened at that moment and a small, dark haired woman bolted in and grabbed Allicia, and they cried together. A moment later, a tall thin man hurried in after her. ”Jim, any news?” the man asked. This, Johnson soon found out, was Julian’s twin sister, Jillian, and her husband Terry, “T.J.”
“Nothing,” Jim answered as the two men embraced. Questioning Jillian and T.J. proved to be time consuming. They would both break down periodically and it took time for them to compose themselves and continue. Jillian gave Johnson a couple of names to look into. One, the family of a boy who had left the center and been killed, the other was Bobby Stewart.
Jillian seemed to think her brother could be delayed somewhere. She told Johnson that when her brother said he would be somewhere or do something, he did it. Maybe Julian received an emergency call from someone and had not remembered to take the time to call home.
After getting what information they could from the family, Johnson and Billings made their way to the security office on the first floor. Here they met with Officer Rogers who guided them through the security process for the building. The office scheduled one officer that patrolled the lobby, and two armed officers that stayed in a locked room and watched the twenty cameras placed throughout the inside and on the front and back of the building. The two that pulled duty in the camera room were not allowed to unlock the door from their side for anyone; even for their shift change without going through a complicated procedure.
“Is this your S.O.P. Officer Rogers, or has this been implemented with Giovanni’s disappearance?” Johnson asked.
“Standard operating procedures, Detective. This procedure was implemented in 1998. Each day there is a new and specific entry word that only our officers know. They are not told this entry word until they are ready to enter the security office,” Rogers said.
“Isn’t this all a bit extreme, even for this building?” Johnson asked.
“Our tenant’s safety and security are of great importance, and believe me, they pay well for the peace of mind,” Rogers said.
“Yes, I’m sure they do,” Johnson said.
The men entered the security office where the tapes were loaded and ready to view. The lobby camera showed Julian briefly speaking with the security officer, smiling, waving, and then out the door for his run. The time on the film showed 4:27 a.m. The front outside camera followed him to the corner, where he crossed the street and disappeared out of the camera’s view. Films from the rest of the building, including the parking garage, showed nothing unusual. Julian simply went out to run and never returned. Johnson had a bad feeling that this case would not have a good outcome.
Johnson and Billings then began conducting interviews with other tenants in the building. The apartments were huge, only two to a floor, with the one directly beneath the Giovanni’s belonging to Jillian and T.J. The other apartment owners seemed genuinely upset about Giovanni’s disappearance.
“I just pray you find him safe and well,” a former state official said. ”He really is a precious young man. I can’t tell you the number of times I needed help and he never told me no or said he was too busy, he just came to help,” the man told them. He was an odd looking man. Bald, with a small band of hair on the back of his head. He was uncommonly tall and lanky, and wore red suspenders to hold up his expensive slacks. He looked down his nose, through his bifocals at the two detectives. ”How did this happen? Our building security is the best money can buy. Maybe if the NYPD did a better job of protecting the tax paying citizens of this city, crime would not be on our very doorstep.”
These same sentiments were echoed by each tenant interviewed. Not one complaint or negative comment said about Julian Giovanni. An elderly woman on the fourth floor told them a story similar to the one heard from the former state official.
“I called him out of the blue the morning my sweet Richard passed away. I don’t know why he was the first one that I thought of, or even why he was home that time of the day,” Mrs. Conner told the detectives. She walked slowly with a cane to her chair. She was frail and small, her gray hair up in a bun on top of her head. She was humped over so she never really looked the men in the eye. ”He came right down here and called the ambulance and police for me. My poor Richard, he had been gone for a long time, you could tell. But Julian made me feel safe and took care of me for days afterward, he and his little wife. That’s just the kind of boy he is,” she finished, beginning to cry as she told her story.
As the detectives wrapped up things for the night, Johnson was deep in thought about the case. ”Captain, Giovanni has to have an enemy somewhere in this city, I guess tomorrow it’s time to beat the pavement. Or, I guess I should say today.” He was looking at his watch, it was already 1:00 a.m.
“Let me know what you need Steven. The precinct will be at your disposal for the duration of this investigation. Start interviews with adjacent buildings and then start interviews along his usual run route. This kid was too trusting, he never changed his run route that his family knew of. That mistake could’ve cost him his life.”
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Quindolyn reviewed Version 6 -
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This is a very well-written piece. I’m not often drawn in by mystery novels, but this short bit made me want to read more. The style is very smooth and easy to read, and the differences in speech patterns between the characters as well as the way they interact with one another gives it a lot of depth and readablility. The prologue was a very gripping and intreging hook for readers, and gives just enough information to leave the reader wondering without being frustratingly vague or dull and predictable; it was well-balanced and engaging.
The thing I liked the most about this was how saintly the missing man is painted by everyone who knows him well. It not only makes me wonder who in the world would ever have enough of a grudge to kidnap him, but also plants a seed of doubt in the character and makes me wonder a little if perhaps he was the kidnapper and not the kidnappee.
Great work!
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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 6 -
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“The man jerked awake suddenly.” Call it ironic, or counterintuitive, or whatever, but words like “suddenly”, “immediately”, “instantaneously” and their kin actually slow the action in the sentence. “The man jerked awake.” Bam. Having said that, I think this opening scene would be more effective if he slowly came to his senses and the narrative took the reader on his journey of this. Perhaps he’s thinking that he’s in bed and with his eyes still closed wondering why it (actually the floor) is so hard. Or his head could be hurting and he’s wondering if he had a blackout because he again drank too much booze the previous night. He’s kind of pawing around in the dark space of his mind when he his senses come to him and he realizes where he is. Bam. And then, throw in this great action scene you’ve set up that gets the reader’s heart pumping. A good opening sentence/paragraph/chapter is crucial to luring in agents, editors, and finally . . . the people who will pay to read this. Yours is pretty good!
The part where he “suddenly” becomes aware of the dark figure next to him is I believe a little illogical. It’s already been stated that he could see the food, the rats and the roaches, the window, etc. so for this figure just to materialize causes me trouble suspending my disbelief. I think this already suspenseful scene could be heightened even more by him seeing the figure come barreling down the stairs and then stomping towards him as he lay helplessly bound. Then the kick. Ouch! Cut. Chapter One . . .
Instead of telling us Det. Johnson was losing his patience, show us—dialogue works here. It keeps that ball of suspense and action rolling from the previous chapter. The dialogue you have is pretty good, but consider putting that first. I.E.
“I’ve already told you that I’m a Detective assigned to a case in this building! If you will give me two fucking seconds, I will show you my I.D.”
“Please keep your…”
(then)
“Detective Johnson was quickly losing…” He’s fumbling with his wallet and this sort of gives a good cool down to suspense created so far.
while the wanna-be officer / the rentacop –This complements the quite funny, “…let some pretend cop in here let some pretend cop in here…”
Mayor Fellini? I can’t help but think of the great director and am not sure if this is a good thing.
1/3 of the way through this and I think that for the most part, it’s really good. You’ve managed to transition from the suspense to the tense situation involving the detective. The dialog and pretty much everything else is also done quite well. Kudos.
but was still impressed with the penthouse. / but still found the penthouse impressive. –Try to weed out as many of those “to be” verbs as possible. I think this example shows that it can be done without changing the context of the sentence and allows for tighter, more elegant prose.
“…the city lights could make even this filthy city look beautiful.” Great sentence because it really captures an honest image and feeling.
Your ability to capture what the inside of the penthouse looks like is right on. I can see it all very clearly.
“…with bagging hair and carpet samples…” How much hair are they finding? To me this sentence implies that it’s a lot which doesn’t seem logical.
I’m seeing a lot of the word “impressed” or “impressive”
I like the “Her” and the “His” side observation.
inner city / inner-city
I’m chugging through this and think you’ve done a good job of balancing the characters. I lot of times it seems that they’re tripping all over each other and I’m glad there that’s not the case here. Also the descriptions of them are done well. Body language is good.
“…a visit from North Dakota…” A lovely state. No. But I was born there. ;)
does for a living?” Johnson said. / Johnson asked.
wealthy family Detective Johnson. / family, Detective Johnson.
A good place to end it too—on a sarcastically funny note. This was a great revise. I remember reading the first draft which wasn’t bad, but this one shimmers. As stated before, I think you’ve drawn the characters well and introduced them all as soon as possible. As far as crime fiction goes, this is the way to do it—get them all “on stage” post-haste. The plot was established well. Dialog seemed natural and distinct for most characters. I know a lot of people say this, but in this case it’s absolutely true—I would definitely read more of this story. Keep up the good work!
-Curt
JStavros reviewed Version 6 -
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So far you’re off to a great start, it is written well, and fully captures the readers attention from the beginning and maintains it ‘till the end. The only suggestion I would give you is on the following:
”May I ask what your husband does for a living?” Johnson said.
”My husband operates several youth centers. He began them four years ago while he was still in college,” Allicia said.
”How are the centers supported?” Johnson asked.
”My husband is from a very wealthy family Detective Johnson. We have no money worries,” she answered.
You have already addressed these issues, you might want to remove them when you recognized the fellow from his picture. Its more powerful coming from the family. I don’t think you should state this information twice, at least, so closely together.
Good work!
hypatia reviewed Version 6 -
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Hello, Thank you for sharing your writing.
I have read through this carefully and here is my few humble suggestions.
You use a lot of words ending in ly i.e quickly, suddenly, some of these could be omitted to improve the flow.
You could separate the dialogue by giving it its own line.
He jerked awake suddenly. A searing pain in his head
He maneuvered his way closer to the wall and placed his feet against it, pulling against the cuffs.
His muscles bulged straining to no avail. He reached upwards holding his aching head. His hands met something sticky – blood.
There was no use in trying, or He saw no sense in trying.(To keep with the character)
”Steven, Julian Giovanni went missing early this morning,” Captain Billings said. ”Twenty-six years of age, six-foot, dark hair, and Italian.
He found himself in the master bedroom. or He walked into the master bedroom.
This kid means a lot to his family and the community. I want the entire police force dedicated
Our building security is the best money can buy. or The security measures to safeguard this building are the best money can buy.
They immediately had microphones in their faces and were blinded by camera flashes. Microphones were pushed forward into their faces and camera flashes affected their vision.
Please do not be offended by my suggestions. It is just another POV. Of course your own writing is just as good.
jimthemagic reviewed Version 6 -
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Absolutely great quality crime story. It is ready to be published any time the story is finished. Very talented writing reminds me of Raymond Chandler. Detective Johnson is a possible new century Philip Marlowe.
Clarity of storytelling is admirable. I envy the writer´s skills. Makes me want more and I would definitely be ready to pay for continue. The writing is so great I would recommend this to my friends and to anybody who wants a good quality crime story. To be exact not just a good quality, that is an understatement, but great indeed.
Characterization is perfect. This chapter lets a reader know what is needed and in a fabulous very fine stylish (new yorker style) way. Makes me to congratulate the writer of the story and beg for some more.
If you do not mind let me know more about you. I am a fan of yours!
Owl_Light reviewed Version 6 -
Read 81% of the Item
rat was heading
his captor… he didn’t know if it was 1 or more people who had done this. whoever had…
still unclear why the police activity after such a short time missing
still the description of the apartment is OTT.
typical Christian look. doesn’t mean anything to me.
I like Johnson’s cynicism
what does he do for a living..the answer should have been that he is rich. not that he runs youth centres. or perhaps the question should have been different. the youth centres are not his living so the answer doesn’t fit the question
the continual dialogue is boring.
IDEA
why not intersperse your dialogue with some of the description of the apartment. It’s having no variety that is the killer for the reader.
try: he answered…..
the art on the wall looked….
she said…
he said…
the window was..
michforoffice reviewed Version 6 -
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oh my god, you’re the first person i’ve seen that has used a semicolon correctly! yay!!! (on the first page)
“frantic to free himself” – I like the way that sounds.
“There was no use in trying, the cuffs had been tightened as much as possible” – I think you could say something better than ‘as much as possible’.
“How long had he been here; hours, days?” – I don’t think you used the semicolon correctly here, but I might be wrong.
http://www.essortment.com/all/semicolon_rcnr.htm
I thought your story was interesting and easy to read. I like the character’s interaction between his wife. It seemed guinine and I think you did a really good job with the story. xx
slash14 reviewed Version 6 -
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You have a very good lead, what I would change is how Julian’s wife is given some pretty harsh sounding questions to start off with. I would make the questions less pressing, but if you envision it this way, let me not stop you
oknapp reviewed Version 5 -
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TPage 1
A moan ensued as the pain now brought him to full consciousness. His hands went instinctively to cradle his head but were stopped midway; Take out “were”
Waves of nausea were sweeping over him, causing his body to wretch; the pain stabbing at his body each time. CHANGE SEMICOLON USE.
With great effort, NEEDS A COMMA he tried to take in his surroundings, raising himself to rest on an elbow.
Behind him, the bare cement wall where the chains were bolted This is PASSIVE VOICE. Consider changing
He attempted to test the cuffs but the pain became too intense. He became aware that the room was a basement, but where? (name place it was located)
Page 2
Very clear, good conversations, no grammer issues.
Page 3 His almost bald head. Baldhead is one word.
being throw out—this is passive voice. Consider revising.
mantel piece is actually mantelpiece. one word.
Page 4 A huge dresser, two chests and a massive bed were placed around the room. Passive voice. change “placed around”
There was a big armoire that discretely held a flat screen television and music system. Wordy- Sentence needs to be shortened. Take out “discretely”
Clothes lined the walls; (Take out semicolon) evening gowns, dresses, ladies. (Gender specific. )Take our “ladies” and just say women
Good sounding detective lingo. Flow is good.
Page 5. Fragments. ”Hi Steven. Nothing yet. change to— Hi Steven, nothing yet.
The rest of the penthouse had been scanned by the team. Passive voice—. Say something like: The team carefully scanned the rest of the penthouse.
Old money, Steven. Old money Steven—old, Italian money,” Billings answered. Or you could use a semicolon.
The Judge was leaning against the fireplace mantel, his left hand was planted firmly on his hip, a frown knitted his heavy black eyebrows together. Start new sentence with His left hand… this is a run-on.
Sandi, the comtent of the story is fine. I am trying to find everything for you but it is eating up points. I will email the rest to you. I hope this is okay. Email back.
Squamch reviewed Version 5 -
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Ok, my first thought after reading all this is that it’s obviously an ambitious piece and you seem to be putting a lot of time and effort into it. That said, I think there are a number of problem areas that you might want to look at, and I think another revision is in order.
The first problem I see is your word choice. You return to the same words time and time again where it would enhance the piece to find new, fuller descriptions. For instance, in the first two paragraphs of the prologue, you used the word “pain” six times. Pain is an easy word to find a replacement for, and I think alternate descriptions would be the way to go. This is a problem that runs throughout the piece. For instance: “the city lights could make even this filthy city look beautiful.” – the word city used twice turns what is a great sentence into an awkward one. I love the image of city lights making the city look beautiful, but you need to find a better way to say it, or at least, choose a better word for either the lights or the city itself.
“The security officer that stopped him at the doorway, gave him a last scathing look and walked away” – the comma isn’t needed here.
I think a little more explanation is needed into why such a large search is being undertaken for a man that’s barely been missing for a day. I work with troubled youth and they run away all the time – they’re not technically considered missing until they’ve not been seen for twenty-four hours. I realize that the search for Giovanni is being pushed by the judge, but it took some time for this time become clear. You should make a note that regular procedures are being waved in light of the subject’s stature in the community.
I like the description of the apartment. It flows well and fleshes out the place. I think you have a knack for getting an image in your head of the scene you’re writing, and you seem to see it all in detail.
I question why Giovanni’s apartment is being searched though. If he was last scene running, and had not entered the apartment since, why would they be searching for evidence there? Would they not, instead, be searching his running route? I can understand going to interview the family, but searching closets and such seems pointless until some evidence is introduced to warrant it.
I think some of the supporting characters need some work, as they often come across as cliches. You probably should spend more time fleshing Billings out, as he comes off a bit cartoonish. The judge seems fairly cookie-cut in the stern mold, and Allicia is the distraught, crying young wife, typical in everything, right down to her diamond ring. You should take some time to give them each lives and characteristics that go beyond pushing the plot along. I think a common mistake that writers make is looking to television for character influences. While many television shows are very realistic, for the most part, people simply don’t act the way people act on television. I don’t think many real people would respond to the judge as Billings did, but I’ve seen a lot of characters on television respond that way. When writing dialogue, I think it’s a good practice to ask yourself if a person would really say this, in real life, in the particular situation. As you add color, your characters will become more real, and they’ll make your story feel very real.
I find it odd that Johnson looks at a picture of Giovanni and remembers a laundry list of information about him. Why did his face spark such an avalanch, while his name didn’t? I can understand if Johnson thinks, “Oh, yeah! That’s the youth center guy!” But the information he gets into is rather detailed, and to know those details would mean he’d know Giovanni by name before he’d know him by face.
Near the end, Billings brings up the term “enemy” rather quickly. I think most cops in that situation would believe Giovanni ran off with his mistress until they had some proof otherwise. They’re assuming he was kidnapped far too early, in my opinion, by setting up phone surveylance and such long before they have any evidence that he didn’t sprain his ankle and fall in a ditch somewhere. Or maybe he got mugged and left in an alley? There are a million possibilities, yet Johnson and Billings seem to lean toward kidnapping. Obviously, the story will turn into a kidnapping case, but for the sake of realism, I think you need to bring it on more gradually. Also, if Stewart turns out to be the culprit, or heavily involved, I suggest you retool how casually Allicia dropped his name. It seems way too easy – way too “ABC.”
Over all, I think the piece has potential, but needs some work. The thing I would focus on most is realism, as many of the backdrops feel like things I’ve seen in movies a thousand times, but don’t seem to apply to these particular circumstances. And the key to realism is characters – if you make the reader believe in your characters, you can do anything you want with them.
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