Poetry / White Parade (Analysis)

very nice flow…but I don’t get the message you’re trying to portray…sorry keep working!

The theme is unclear. What is the white parade? At first the poem seems to be
about film. But the word additives is not used with film. Emptiness of your name
is way too vague, and why are your white toes in the sand?

i really don’t like this . only because i feel like you were trying too hard to sound poetic. it would work if you gave some concrete insight as to what the poem is about. if it truly is about the color white then liken it to something the reader can relate to. i never give feedback on grammar stuff like that. this was just an overall confusing poem i think needs to be re-worked. i think i see where you are going you just need to paint the picture a little clearer.

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October 17, 2008

by militaryroad

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20	M	Colonia, NJ	March 30

it’s about photography. it’s kind of bad, i know. one of my first poems. thanks for reviewing.

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Runs quite well, bit hard to follow in places but its readable.

I enjoyed the metaphors of the film terminology.

I really do love the images that pop up in my head in this poem. filmstock, technicolor -- all those words just give me the impression that the poem deals with a type of camera recording life on the other side. Between the lines of “to the emptiness of your name./but when the red light shuts and i go home…” I feel like there could have been a lot more inserted between those two lines. Again I have to think like a reader who doesn’t know many of these words -- will I understand this right away without no background in the camera metaphors?