Thanks.
Overall though, did you like it?
Just wondering, you know.
Poetry / Ana Lies
Brianna got up out of bed
And stood before the mirror
She called herself an ugly whale
Her sister, she could hear her.
She pulled her shirt around her waist
As Julie took a peek
And as Brianna fell apart,
Her sister heard her speak:
“Ana, please don’t go away!
Ana, make me thin.
I don’t want to lose this war.
Ana, help me win!”
And little Julie was upset
She stood before the door
Praying with her tiny heart
‘Cause she could do no more.
Her sister tried to tell her
She looked her in the eyes
With tears, she whispered
In her ears that
Ana always lies
But still Brianna starves herself
She slowly starts to die
And Julie shatters,
‘Cause she knows that
Ana tells her lies.
Her father was too busy
Her brother didn’t know
But Julie watched her every move
Saw just how far she’d go
Brianna pushed away her plate
Said “I ate lunch with Claire”
Julie looked away and said
“Mommy? Wish you’re here…”
Julie tries to tell her
She looks her in the eyes
With tears, she whispers
In her ears that
Ana always lies
But still she locks the bathroom door
As Julie starts to cry.
She won’t believe her
When she says that
Ana always lies.
Her sister tried to tell her
But her words were not as strong
As the illness that had dragged her down;
The thing that did her wrong.
She places flowers on the grave
Her father starts to cry
“Brianna… my dear Anna.
God, why’d you take my prize?”
And Julie turns away, says:
”...Anna lied.”
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Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this poem. The meter and rythm of it reminds me of Dudley Randall’s “Ballad of Birmingham”. The images are very powerful and easily accessible and, of course, the subject of the poem is very heavy. There are a few problems with line length and word inclusion which strain your rhyme a bit though and you can make the poem more immediate by paying attention to tense. For instance in verse two:
Her sister tried to tell her
She looked her in the eyes
With tears, she whispered
In her ears that
Ana always lies
consider—you’ve already introduced characters and present tense is a very strong element in a poem such as this. So, you might say something along the lines of:
Julie tries to tell her
She looks her in the eyes
Through her tears she whispers
Ana always lies.
Or something like that where you’re more consistent with the pattern you’ve already established.
The only part that really puts me off is the fifth verse. I’ve read this sevral times and I think it reads better without verse five at all. It is too emotionally overwrought for the verses before and after it and it derails the otherwise powerful conclusion of verse six.
Verse six snaps the poem closed with a click. Good thing. But the last two lines falter. The beat is slightly off. You can fix it by changing the next to last line, “Julie turns away and says”.
Of course,these are just suggestions and it’s your call. In any case, it’s still a good poem.
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GreenIguana reviewed Version 2 -
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You can omit “down” from the 9th line from the end.
I like your personification of the illness.
Since you use some punctuation, you should be consistent. Add periods and commas where they should be. It would also help the reader read the poem, which is actually a story. This is a dramatic story and it evokes emotion.
jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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Because she feels
That she’s too big. – I would put this into one line for rhythm’s sake: Because she feels too big.
And Julie walks away, says:
”…Anna lies.” – maybe break this:
And Julie walks away,
saying: ”…Anna lies.” – rhythm improves IMO
Also that last line is interesting AND confusing because you used Ana as an substitute for anorexia, and Anna for short of Brianna. But you use “Anna lies” here, and Anna is dead, so maybe ‘Anna lied’? (if Julie thinks of Brianna)
Nicely written. Enjoyed
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
i read 1/2 but couldn’t get to the other half but what i read was very good, great images, great idea for a title and it’s a very important issue that must be addressed in words as you did, i think it would make a better poem than lyric.(song) because it may be to long for the radio but there’s nothing wrong with a very good poem!!!....nice job, jim
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