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Flash Fiction / Riddlington's Revenge
There was a dog barking wildly in the distance and Peter froze in the shadows as slowly, but surely the yowling, barking and yapping passed from house to house, estate to estate, and, with the occasional farmhouse or holiday home filling in the gap, from village to village.This particular residence didn’t have a dog, at least as far as Peter had managed to establish, but in any case, as a precaution, he remained still and silent until the dogs he had heard had reluctantly returned to kennels or been called inside by their masters.
He couldn’t be too careful, in his situation. If he were caught, it would be at least highly embarrassing, at worst he daren’t think what. His surveillance had been going on for some time now and he was fairly certain that, as well as a lack of canine companionship, the household was retiring for the night judging by the single dim lamp shining by the small window at the bottom of the stairs. Although the residents seemed to be deep sleepers and never need the lamp’s assistance, Peter crossed his fingers that none of them would feel the urge to visit the toilet in the night.
You can’t control or predict nature his father had told him many times and indeed he himself had ended up a tragic victim of one of nature’s cruel jokes. To be struck by lightening once and survive was almost a miracle but to be fatally struck again moments later was simply an echo of the laughter Peter had heard throughout his whole life at his or his family’s expense. Tonight he was going to avenge all those who had mocked the Riddlingtons and show that he was a force to be reckoned with.
He looked around one more time before finally breaking cover and loping toward the next tree, there was a muffled floorboard creak and suddenly a light went on and Peter flailed to the ground in a tangle of limbs and tried to will himself a flat piece of regular English lawn. As he peeked up he saw the strip of grass right in front of his long thin nose illuminated by a light through the open bathroom window and heard someone whistling softly to themselves providing a melodic background to the loud trickle of water falling into and reverberating around the toilet bowl. After what seemed like several pints the toilet was flushed, the window closed and light flicked off plunging Peter into darkness again. As his eyes readjusted to the conditions he saw an almost mirror image of himself grinning inanely back. He let out a groan, ‘Bloody hell Dad, haven’t you got anything better to do?’
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Enigma28 reviewed Version 1 -
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‘yowling’ – what does this mean?
‘He couldn’t be too careful, in his situation.’ – the comma isn’t necessary.
‘it would be at least highly embarrassing,’ – this wording is slightly akward, maybe try something like ‘at the very least it would be highly embarrassing.’
Overall this was quite an interesting piece. Unfortunitely I think you’re lack of flow makes the story seem less interesting because the reader is finding it hard to follow. What I suggest you do for this is go through your work reading aloud and if it is long winded, or sounds funny, change it so it flows better. This story has great potential, keep up the good work.
Jodie
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chickiemcweird reviewed Version 1 -
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The first sentence is too much word for an introduction. It would grab my attention more aggressively if there were a period after “distance.” Build up complexity as the tale gains momentum.
The phrase “slowly but surely” doesn’t contribute to the feel of this piece, given that the next line describes the bark’s progression more effectually.
The image of sound traveling is compelling. I want to fly with it, though minus the excess descriptors on my back. They weigh me down. Let the bark simply stay a sound.
I think you could say, “from house to estate to farmhouse to village, ” and I’d catch the same drift. If we are speaking rurally, do “house” and “farmhouse” need distinguished from each other?
Which particular residence? Instead of naming it such, describe it, like “the house with the red shutters.” It makes me want to enter it.
Cut out “managed,” make “establish” “established,” and forget about “in any case.” There is too much “had” in this sentence, especially considering the letters in “heard.” We know he heard them. He isn’t deaf. Ax that.
“He couldn’t be too careful” binds me up in contemplation of double negatives when I’d rather find out what Peter did next.
Try writing the following sentences thus: “Peter had need to be careful, knowing if he were caught, the unknown repercussions would be embarrassing,” as they are currently confusing.
“His surveillance of the residence had been thorough,” works better. I think he should be sure, not fairly certain. If you write certainty we don’t need him to judge by the light. These details are superfluous, or perhaps belong elsewhere.
How did Peter ascertain the family were deep sleepers? Perhaps if you expand this (in the process purging the rest of the sentence) we will know more about Peter than the family, who aren’t the central subjects, as it were.
Put quotations around father’s words, and a comma at the end of “nature.” Who’d been struck? This should be immediately clear. I like how you’ve aligned laughter with lightning.
“Cruel jokes,” and “a force to be reckoned with,” are cliche, though I like the idea that Peter endeavors to avenge himself against both nature and human nature in the same act.
Basically, you need to break some long sentences into shorter ones. You’re packing too much in, as though this is your chance to get away, and it must be done quickly. You tend to over-describe and under-describe at random, and also to develop peripheral details whilst avoiding the character. As for further, more detailed recommendations, absorb this first, then let me know if you’d like them.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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In the beginning you could give the reader a better idea of exactly where Peter is. This could be as simple as “froze in the shadow of a shrub”.
I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish with the story of Peter’s father being killed by lightning but then having his father be alive at the end. If the death of his father is a fantasy, this could be more clearly in Peter’s voice.
Finally, the premise of the child taking revenge for perceived wrongs (“on all those who mocked . . .”) is good, but this doesn’t happen in this scene.
Proofreading notes:
Deleting the second barking in the first sentence would strengthen your prose. Also, for a children’s book, the first sentence is too complex.
“This particular residence” is unclear.
lightening = lightning
tree, there was (Comma splice. Remedy: use the full stop here.)
Delete “to themselves”. (Not necessary and not grammatical.)
lostthunder reviewed Version 1 -
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(“You can’t control or predict nature,” his father had…) or to be italicized. either way should work.
um…the first thing that does grab me is your intention to make this into a children’s book. what age group? some of the words (reluctantly, surveillance, particular) seem a tad advanced, depending on the age of the reader. also, with the children’s story angle, the story seems like it could be all about revenge, whether prank or worse. what would the moral be? would there be one? what kind of acts would Peter do? again, age group relevant.
the main character was captured, but only in a creepy sneaky way. elaboration on why he’s doing whatever it is he’s doing would be an obvious must.
overall though, i enjoyed the piece as it is. what kind of acts would Peter do? i’m interested. vandalism, pranks and gags of all sorts? curious. well played, keep goin. LATER
hockeyslife reviewed Version 1 -
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In my opinion, the events in this piece were a little bit muddied. I really believe you should expand it a bit, more detail is always go. You did capture your main character well, but I’m still confused as to what exactly Peter is experiencing right now. More clarity in this department would be helpful. You did a great job of showing us rather than telling us what is happening, which is something difficult for most writers. I do like what you have here. The style is well done, but you should touch up your grammar and punctuation (ex: You can’t control or predict nature his father had told him many times… – change that to reflect a quote that his father is telling him). I like what you have and I enjoyed reading it. Revise a bit and you’ll be good!
trident reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the visualization of this scene. But you’re seriously lacking in the punctuation department. Try shortening and/or fragmenting your sentences – particularly the first which certainly doesn’t need all the village to village stuff.
The avenging stuff is pretty meaningless in this fragment, hence I’d lose it. Instead, develop the mood a bit, with Peter slinking across the grass. It could also stand some dialogue with his father(’s image).
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