Thanks, grammer and spelling are my weak points.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Chapter Three: Solitude (Analysis)
Four Years Later…
In the Fields of Blood, two statue memorials standing tall, glistened in the mid-day sun as a young woman stood, blue-purple eyes gazing up at their stone faces. The first was a woman rider, sword held high in triumph, hair sculpted as if blowing in the wind. Behind her stood a dragon, wings spread wide. On the two layer round pedestal, words were carved on a sheet of gold saying ‘To the selfless Riders and Dragons who bravely gave their lives for Athea; You will be remembered and missed.’
The second was of a woman in Athean armor, her long hair sculpted around her. Behind her stood an older man, also in Athean Armor, his hand resting on her shoulder, his ponytail flat against his back. Together they stared sadly upon the world. Standing on the layered round pedestal, the statue stood about seven feet, matching the other one. Just like the fires words were carved onto a gold sheet saying ‘To the Atheans who, in their grace and might, sacrificed themselves to protect Narsayes; May their light eternally shine upon us.’
These were sculpted by the Elves, Dwarves, and Aquarians who placed it where the battle had taken place. Many came to look upon the faces and cried for them. Like Antonia as she stared up at the faces of her mother and Irresto. As she looked into their sad eyes, she asked forgiveness every day.
A little way from the statues laid a marble plaque with words carved into it saying ‘Antoin Van’Dragon; beloved mother; may her light shine always.’ Antonia made sure there was always a bouquet of flowers on this stone, from her mother. As she tended the field and the memorials, she hid from the Elven, Dwarven. Aquarian and Rider search parties that came looking for any survivors, in shame. In her mind she didn’t deserve to live with them in happiness and peace. She deserved to live on this field until her grateful end.
When people came upon the memorials they would leave flowers and gems in remembrance of the fallen. Few, who sensed her presence, left her blankets and things to show they cared. These small acts of kindness warmed Antonia’s heart and showed her that they wished they had been able to help.
If not for one person, Antonia would have become overwhelmed with grief and pain; with out help from Destiny she never would have survived.
Destiny created a bond with another who would enter her mind, comforting her broken soul. The voice claimed to be a young man, her age named Anton Van’Bratta. He lived in Namen, Nacara with his mother as he trained to be a warrior. In her dreams she was able to see him, his blonde hair and bright blue eyes shinning like stars. At first she didn’t trust him, after all he shared the same name as her father, but in time, they grew closer and it seemed that Anton would be the only person who could help her recover. With his help she slowly started to regain some of her lost hope.
Many Times over the last four years that they have known each other, Anton had asked Antonia to come live with him, but she refused. She’d never admit it, but she felt immense shame of her past and she didn’t feel like she deserved to live among people once again. She lived on that field because she felt that is what she deserved.
The rising sun set its gaze upon the stone faces of Antoin and Irresto as Antonia gazed into their eyes, questioning herself once again. I can’t live with him; I don’t deserve to be happy…Right? Please, tell me I’m doing the right thing by staying here. She cried to them. Of course I am. After all I got my entire people killed. My fate, my punishment is to be alone. I can’t live among them as if nothing has happened. I can’t go there and pretend that they didn’t betray me. I just can’t…
Rustling in the forest behind her, stopped Antonia. Quickly turning she drew her scimitars and faced the foe she knew stood behind her. Antonia’s eyes widened as she faced a large group of Unichs. Each one drew a knife toward her, grinning as they showed their sharp yellow teeth.
“We’ve come for your life.” The one in front growled. “Every Athean was to die, being the last, it is now your turn.” The group jumped forward, slashing their weapons in the air, trying to hit her.
With fluid movements, Antonia twisted and turned as she dodged and blocked the knives, but there was just too many. As she twisted away from one knife another found her back and a pair of scaly hands grabbed her, keeping her still. As more grabbed her, Antonia found herself helpless. She couldn’t fight them as the slashed her with knives and hit her with their large fists. It seemed like a life time to her as they beat her mercilessly. Once she couldn’t take anymore, they let her go, throwing her toward the ground as they laughed.
“Come on, she won’t live, let’s go.” One laughed as he led the group away from the memorials and the dying Antonia.
Almost immediately Antonia felt Anton enter her mind. What happened? Her asked, horrified. Who hurt you?
It’s nothing Anton, I’m fine.
You can’t lie to me; I feel your pain… I feel you dying. Now tell me who did this to you. Anton demanded.
A group of Unichs…they attacked me. I was helpless to defend myself against so many.
That settles it, you are coming to me or I am going to get you. Anton replied forcefully. You no longer have a choice in the matter. You will get treatment.
It doesn’t matter.
Yes it does. Anton cried. I can’t live without you.
I’m not important. Antonia replied slowly.
Yes you are. You give my life meaning…without you I’d be lost. Now get up on your horse and come to me, or I’ll drag you here. Seeing no other option Antonia called Midnight and, after pulling herself into the saddle, started out to Namen.
The road was long and tiring; with each passing moment her strength dwindled, leaving nothing but a broken soul.
Just as she had said those years ago The Ultimate Evil had no opposition after Athea. The countries fell one by one with the Council of Nations unable to do anything. The consequences of their selfish acts were evident wherever she went. Manoin Patrols traveled the roads, harassing those who dared to walk it. Wagons full of goods were taken and destroyed; poor travelers were robbed and killed mercilessly. She felt sorry from them as she rode past, but back in her mind she couldn’t help but think they had brought this on themselves. They refused to help, causing the unending destruction; they caused all the pain and suffering.
With a cry of pain, Antonia leant forward in the saddle, clutching her wounds in tears. She’d stop to rest and water the horse but she knew that if she left that saddle then she would die. She stopped to rest and water the horse, but even then she never left the saddle.
For days on end she rode through the pain, through the torment around her just trying to make it through the day. It was hard work but with Anton’s face clear in her mind, she had no will to stop. She couldn’t disappoint him. As a stroke of luck she wasn’t attacked by the patrols. She was able to ride on the rode for others were attacked before her. There was no reason to harm a woman on a black horse.
It took about a week to cross through Nacara where her hopes soared for a moment. There were fewer patrols and the people seemed happy; but then she saw it for what it was… false hope. Nacara hadn’t completely fallen yet so few patrols made it that deep into the country. She knew though, that it was only a matter of time before they to fell and joined the others in darkness. It was only a matter of time…
Traveling through Nacara was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. T was constantly tormented by waves of pain that threatened to kill me. I don’t know what gave me the strength to push onward, what caused me to hold steady when it would have been so much easier to stop and die. Perhaps it was Anton, keeping me going with hope or perhaps it was Mother Nature giving me that extra spiritual boost, but I made it.
I pushed myself day after day, just trying to make it. I was forced to witness the terrible acts of the Manoins less and the Nacaran people more. I saw a side to them that I didn’t know existed before. They helped and protected each other, even if they were meeting for the first time. Oh what memories came in result to their kindness.
I remember, once I was hiding from and old man, who knew I was there. He talked to me, telling me stories of his life and the effect my people had on the world. He never pushed me to reveal myself or even talk to him but…
Every day he honored the memorial and her even cried for them. ‘I wish I could have helped you,’ he’d say. Eventually he did leave but his pureness of heart will always stay with me. He was like Anton.
The road seemed unending as Antonia’s energy started to deplete. Once she even considered getting off Midnight and dying on the side of the road. Fortunately, she saw a city in the distance. Namen! She cried. I finally made it.
Urging Midnight faster Antonia almost smiled. She had finally made it to Namen, to Anton. Making it to the gate, Antonia approached the guards. “I’m looking for Anton Van’Bratta.” She replied as she straightened her back.
“Yeah he told me you would come, but I was told you were badly hurt.”
“I received treatment,” She lied. “I’m fine.”
“If you insist.” The guard sighed “Follow me; I’ll take you to him.” With a short turn he started off, leading Antonia through a crowed of people. “He should be at his warrior ceremony in the great hall. I will take you there.”
As she followed the guard, leading Midnight on foot, Antonia glanced around. Shops of every shape and size laid everywhere. There seemed to be a strange order to the way that it had been built, if any, but Antonia knew that this was just the way the Nacarans lived, out of order. Before she knew it, the guard turned to Antonia. “This is it, the great hall. You will find Anton inside.” With that he left, leaving Antonia in front of a building that was tall and made of wood. Finally, Antonia gathered her courage and started to open the doors and stepped into a room full of people
Unfortunately, Antonia had used up all her strength to get there, for she couldn’t stay awake and before she knew it, she collapsed through the door and started to lose conciseness. She heard voices and saw blurred faces but she couldn’t make them out, and soon, she fell asleep, oblivious to all around her. The last thing Antonia could remember was a call of her name.
“SHE LIVES?” The Shadow Lord bellowed. “How in the world did she survive? Never mind… send a Mannok to obtain her, we’ll finish it this time.”
“Yes my lord.” The servant replied in a low bow.
“Go, and send word to his highness, we may have a problem.”
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WaywardSonRising reviewed Version 3 -
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alexianx reviewed Version 3 -
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The back log is helpful, obviously, for those that haven’t read previous chapters, but what specifically do you want review? Grammar? Plot? Characters?
For young adult fantasy, your style is good; simply and easy to follow at a quick pace. Your word is just awkward on occasion. You also have a terrible habit of simply stating things rather than allowing the character’s action and the description to tell them.
The road seemed unending as Antonia’s energy started to deplete.
- You could easily draw this out and show signs out of she’s becoming tired. Sweating, eyes dropping, stumbling. Anything other than just saying it.
Rustling in the forest behind her, stopped Antonia
- The first time I read this sentence, all I could think was, “What?” It’s out of proper order and as a result reads jagged. ‘Antonia stopped. She could hear something rustling in the forest behind her’ would be an example of wording it for clarity.
The road was long and tiring; with each passing moment her strength dwindled, leaving nothing but a broken soul.
-You’re wordy. This half telling, half gem. As a result, the entire sentence is ruined. Personally, I believe ‘Her strength dwindled, leaving nothing but a broken soul’ has the strength to stand on its own and makes a beautiful sentence.
See a recurring problem here? I could make a massive list of examples, but you need to practice and find them yourself. Pace yourself. Show what’s happening through your character’s actions. Don’t rush through the story. Your narrator has all the time in the world and has necessity to dress it up so he/she can keep your audience’s interest. Don’t make it seem like a story, especially one that’s epic as fantasy and science fiction tend to be, that was rushed due to the narrator having no time to go into detail or no ability to deliver it in an interesting manner.
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Fazzerelli reviewed Version 3 -
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Sculpted used twice in succession, isn’t there a suitable synonym you can use? Punctuation errors: ‘On the two-layer round pedestal words were carved on a sheet of gold saying: ‘To…’ Also relating to this part, I can’t imagine carving into a sheet of gold. How about a plate or piece? In the first 2 paragraphs so much is repeated that I think you could condense them into 1 without losing any descriptive effect. In the third paragraph you start with these then use it, your pronoun should agree. There is a great difference in the feeling behind using ‘few’ or ‘a few’ and I think you’ve chosen wrongly in ‘Few, who sensed…’ ‘with out’ should be written together.
OK, I got to about half-way so I didn’t read it all, sorry. There were a huge amount of language errors in the first few pages, even though I’m no expert in that area. Apart from being fatal to your writing career, it really distracts the reader. The story seems clunky, things happen very quickly and we don’t know why, both leading to the reader taking less interest in your story. This is chapter 3 and an unbelieveable amount seemed to have happened already from you blurb. I could imagine a whole book just up to where this section starts. In fact, the ideas from the Notes section are the most promising for me. One last gripe – I didn’t like the mixed names. On the one hand – Anton(ia), midnight; on the other – Unich, Manoin. I think there’s a lot of work to do here starting with basic grammar and spelling!
oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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Jessica, in her land there is no people left? Is this the way it is? All of her people were killed weren’t they? I love that she an Anton share a physic bond. I also love the names that you gave your characters. I enjoyed the opening of the story very much. The graveyard scene was very well written and the description was well done. You also left the reader with a cliff hanger. I need to read more to fully review it. I want ot see what Antonia does. Will she and Anton come together? Will she raise her city and feel proud again? For your age you have a wonderful creative mind. I could never write about something like this. I really admire that you can write about the Mideavil period. lOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT CHAPTER SANDI
galadriel reviewed Version 1 -
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Behind her her (delete repeated word) stood an older man, also in Athean Armor, his hand resting on her shoulder, hisponytail(his ponytail) flat against his back.
Standing on the layered round pedistal(pedestal) , the statue stood about seven feelt(feet), matching the other one.
Antonia made sure there was always a bouquet of flowers on this stone, from her mother.Should it not be for her mother.
When people cam eupon(upon) the memorials they would leave flowers and gems in remembrance of the fallen.
Few, who senced(sensed) her presance (presence) left her blankets and tihngs(things) to show they cared. THese(These) small acts fo(of) kindness warmed Antonia’s heart and showed her that they wished they had been able to help.
even(Even) though she never said a word or showed herself, their relationship grew.
I liked it. A little short though compared to all your other chapters if think you can make it bigger though you did not give much of her surroundings only the statues other than that you did not give anything else. I liked the story I will continue reading. You have to be carful with your spelling.
Galadriel
johnnysnowblind reviewed Version 1 -
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All that and bag of chips baby! You have a fan here for sure!
Cheers and good luck!
fainelloth reviewed Version 1 -
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Yey for being able to read the next chapter of your story! It reads like a logical consequence of the previous chapter.
First of all, I think you need to make Antonia’s status a bit clearer in the beginning of the chapter. Is she a refugee? A person living on the street? Or why does she live this way? Given that her mother has a statue, you might expect Antonia to be in a good situation (after all, she’s the daughter of a hero).
“In her solitude, Destiny made sure Antonia wasn’t truly alone, for besides Midnight, creating a bond with another who would enter her mind, comforting her broken soul.”
This sentence confuses me, you need to be a bit more careful with the wording. Do you want to say that the bond is created by Antonia? By midnight? And who/what is midnight, after all.
In my opinion, you should spend more time on telling us about the relationship between Antonia and Anton, before the scene where she’s attacked. Does he love her? What’s his situation? What does she think about him?
After said attack, Antonia is hurt, and close to death. At least that’s the impression I got. But how is she able to saddle her hourse and ride to Namen, then? Did Anton give her some strength, heal her? Or was she not so badly hurt, after all.
Her wounds don’t seem to bother her, then, on the road, but to the end of the chapter she is once again close to death.
Some language issues…
In the first two paragraphs you repeat almost the same wording.
“The first was a woman rider, sword held high in triumph, hair carved as if blowing in the wind. Behind her stood a dragon, wings spread wide.” followed by “The second was of a woman in Athean armor. her long hair carved around her. Behind her her stood an older man, also in Athean Armor…” Be careful to avoid such repetitions, maybe you should reword either the first or the second one a bit
“The second statue portrayed a woman, clad in Athean armor. (- I’d leave out the part with her hair being carved, given that she’s a statue it isn’t neccessary) The older man, standing behind her (But why does he stand behind her? This would mean his statue is hardly visible), also in Athean Armor…”
Overall, I enjoyed reading it, but be careful to make clearer statements, so we don’t have to guess what’s going on
HermiG reviewed Version 1 -
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I had to read this twice to understand what was happening, due to many things. It might be because I haven’t read the two first chapters. The first suggestion I have is to put all the connected sentences together (all long descriptions in one place, actions after that, etc.). That way it will be much easier to read, and it will also be easier to keep track of things. Why not describe the Fields of Blood first, and then tell us (the readers) that there’s a girl there?
If I were you, I’d reread this and fix the spelling errors (like “tihngs” and “cam eupon”. While I still understand what the meaning, it’s not very motivating when there’s a lot of them).
“In the Fields of Blood, two statue memorials standin tall, glistened in the mid-day sun as a young woman stood, blue-purple eyes gazing up at their stone faces.”
“In the Fields of Blood stood two tall statue memorials, glistening in the mid-day sun. A young woman with blue-purple eyes gazed up at their stone faces.”
I suggest you shorten your sentences. Also, too many subjects only confuses the reader. The next sentences in this paragraph are great!
“These were sculpted by the Elves, Dwarves, and Aquarians who placed it where the battle had taken place.”
Did the Aquarians place it there or make it?
“In her solitude, Destiny made sure Antonia wasn’t truly alone, for besides Midnight, creating a bond with another who would enter her mind, comforting her broken soul.”
This was very confusing. I suppose you mean destiny brought Antonia and Anton together?
“Many times, over the four years that they had known each other, Anton had asked Antonia to come live with him, but she’d refused. She’d never admit it, but she felt an immense shame of her past, and she didn’t feel like she deserved to live among people once again. However, at the end of the sixth year, a group of Unichs attacked Antonia. ”
Sixth year of what?
I think the pacing is a tad too fast. The girl in the fields all of a sudden went from looking at a statue to “talking” to a boy? Perhaps you could describe her life in the fields a little better, then show us that she’s talking to a boy instead of telling it.
It seems like a good story so far, though! You only need to organize it a little better.
pisceseyes reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I really liked the beginning of this piece. It was descriptive and I could easily make a picture of what the character was seeing. There were a few errors in spelling throughout, though not too much that I couldn’t make out the words. Just make sure it’s corrected.
Something that I noticed was a repetitive use of commas. It’s okay to break a sentence in half and make it two sentences with a continued thought. Like your sentence from the first paragraph: “The first was a woman rider, sword held high in triumph, hair carved as if blowing in the wind.” This could be transformed into something along the lines of “The first was a woman rider. Her hair was carved as if blowing in the wind and she triumphantly held her sword high above her head.” It says the same and gives the comma a break. If you read your second paragraph aloud, you’ll notice that all of your sentences will sound the same because they are worded around the comma. And you’ll also notice there is only one sentence in the second paragraph that lacks one. The only reason I saw this in your writing is that in my own writing, I discovered it as something that I felt very comfortable with, the use of my comma. Then I over-used it and have now reverted back to basic sentence structure to keep from sounding repetitive. Commas are good fun and appropriate in most places, just as long as it’s not taken advantage of. But I digress…
The story as a whole is interesting, and I found the word “Aquarian”, which I assume, are some sort of creature or people of a different land from where Antonia is. I took a lot of interest in just their mentioning since I don’t know what or who they are. Careful with the whole Elves/Dwarves/’Dragons and their Riders’ deal because there’s not much that hasn’t already been done. Though I really liked the description of Antonia!
You write very well and I suggest that you keep writing! I’ll be looking for more!
If you need any help whatsoever, don’t hesitate to ask!
LK
The_Peacekeeper reviewed Version 1 -
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I was not very much into sci-fi genre but your story was something that i really adored. the setting was perfect as well as the characterization. you could improve the dialogues a bit though many of the readers would probably disagree with me.
What about twisting the plot a little more by an explosive introduction. Your note to readers should also tell what we are going to read. What ya think?
Great writing. Amaze us, more.
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