thanks – this is good grist for the mill.
Short Story / Small Wonder
Who says sitting in the bleachers at a football match is boring?
As I watched the kids playing one Saturday morning, a juicy snippet of a rather personal conversation drifted up from three extremely cute soccer-moms sitting in the row in front of me.
“You’ve got to be kidding! Everyone knows the big ones are the best!”
I immersed myself in my hot latte and stared blindly at the pitch as I strained to hear more…
The comment was from Aoi, a ‘hiso’ Thai whose her husband owned a factory. They were what I would refer to as “punch-drunk” – they could afford everything, and were still coming to terms with how to apply their newfound wealth. It was all about overt statements, and as far as she was concerned, size was the ONLY thing that mattered.
“That is sooo not true!” Marsha, the fiery redhead, shot back indignantly. She’d just moved to Thailand as an expat spouse. “I’ve been with a few real monsters – you’re just another statistic to them, and that can destroy your emotional wellbeing. Personally, I think it’s less about size, and more about style. You’ll never be satisfied unless they’re in tune with your individual needs. If you’re not careful, the big ones will just ram their own agenda down your throat.”
“Wow!”, said Nan, who was also Thai but married to an Expat. She seemed amused that the others even bothered about size. “I never thought about it before. I’d only ever experienced a Thai one until I met my husband. But I’ve got to admit, he’s really opened my eyes up to what I’ve been missing”.
Marsha and Aoi both laughed at that. “Don’t worry Nan – from what we’ve heard, you’re better off than you think.” I was having difficulty watching the match now, as I almost choked on my latte.
“Have you ever thought of trying something different Nan? I’m sure my husband will show you his if you’re interested?”
That caught me unprepared.
I gagged on my latte, and sent a mist of mocha over the seat in front of me. The three girls looked around in distain as I giggled and dabbed at the bubbly brown foam trickling down my chin.
“You eavesdropping on us Sam?” Marsha smiled wryly as she looked over her shoulder. “If you’re so interested in our conversation, perhaps you can settle this for us. After all, I’ve seen yours, and it’s not that big”.
Marsha’s husband and I were in the same profession – we often met after a grueling week to share our stories with our wives – I’d bared all to her many times over, so she was well qualified to make such a statement. But this was a bit more personal than I was comfortable with.
Aoi and Nan looked at me with eyebrows slightly raised, waiting for a response.
“Hmmm” I pondered, as I slipped down onto their pew. “Marsha’s right you know – I have learned to live with the fact that given the choice, most people think bigger – like her husbands – is better than a smaller one like mine, but I really think most don’t know what they’re missing.”
The Thai girls giggled, and I continued…
“Over the years I’ve had many ladies like you through my doors, and most have been delighted with what they’ve found. But every now and then there’ll be one who just slips away – often without warning – and I know they’ve succumbed to the old ‘bigger is better’ routine. I’m always a little sad about that, because those that I’ve run into later in life – at parties, or even places like this – usually compliment me on what I was able to do for them – and how the new relationship was far less personal and fulfilling. Many, I know, would be happier back with me. But they’ve made commitments or are simply too proud to admit that what I’ve got is pretty damn good.”
That elicited a chuckle from the ladies, and Nan egged me on. “But you’ve got less to work with – surely there’s only so much you can do with a small one?”
“Well, what I lack in quantity I make up for in quality”. I replied philosophically. “I wouldn’t be happy if it were much bigger at all.”
The girls were surprised. “I thought all you boys cared about was who had the biggest?”
“Heavens no!” I laughed. “Sure it’s something to be proud of, and I’ve got to admit I’m a little envious of the way everybody admires their… erm… endowments. But most of the ones you’re likely to consider here are actually way too big, and while a small number of punters will enjoy that, the majority will find they’re swallowed up by the shear magnitude. I know I’ll have a bigger impact on a greater number of the ones who come through my doors.”
“I guess if mine were bigger my style would have to change, and I’d be less able to cater to everyone’s unique needs. You’d be surprised how much more responsive people are when you take the time to culture their inner spirit. I get such a kick when I see how much I can add to a persons life – and I do it over and over again.”
“Something many people don’t realize is how much they change in a relationship like this. And even if two people seem to be similar when you first meet them, 3 months later their needs will probably be completely different. Because they develop at different rates. So unless you’re able to change your style for each individual each day, you’ll never really bring out the best in everyone.”
The girls were silent. But their smiles said it all. I’d touched a nerve in each of them – even Aoi – the Queen of Big. Had I won any more conquests? I guess time will tell, but I knew I’d given them a germ of an idea… what every young women aches for…
After all, what could possibly be more important to these young women than providing the best possible environment for the growth and development of their kids? To know find a school who would nurture and care for their kids the way they do.
I grew tired of big schools long ago, and am very happy with my role as an educator in a small “community” school. I enjoy knowing all my kids, and most of their parents, and I really do get a kick out of watching the change. And while I long for the kind of funding that a large roll provides, I do not think people should compromise a sound education so their kids can have a bigger gymnasium.
To me, smaller is better – there’s simply no question about it.
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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So while I liked the story and was amused by it, the ending disappointed me. I can see the connection – barely – in the size (as the women were talking about) and the “small community” vs. the “big school”, but it seemed very far-fetched. The ending just seemed a stretch and did not connect with the rest of the story for me.
I really enjoyed it up until the ending…the way the narrator spoke with the women amused me and you were able to capture soccer-mom chat well. Overall I liked it, but wished the ending would tie in better…
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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To know find a school who would nurture and care for their kids the way they do.
There is something missing between “know” and “find”. Not sure what you meant to put there.
Might close up the gaps, and tab the paragraphs. The will help with the flow and clarity. With the gaps its sometimes confusing to determin who is doing the talking. Try it and see what you think.
Over all though cute story. I’ll admitt you had me with the topic. I knew a twist was coming, just had know clue that it would be about education. Nice work. I enjoyed it.
swirlygirly reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the characterisation of this piece, but I felt a bit lost at some points. I suppose it didn’t really feel like a ‘story’ to me. There was no real tension, and the bit at the end about school, I didn’t understand how that related to the rest of it, apart from it being ‘small’.
I think you have some good characters here, but it needs quite a bit of work to make it a good story, although obviously that is just my opinion and others may think differently.
Charley_Groth reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a good first draft. You need to refine it. ANd make everything work together. The big endowments, the big winner ( a sensitive guy who women naturally want to be with, good with kids, good schools- quality over quantity. You are trying to convince them in the story and ultimately do, but it seems like you are trying to convince us and it comes off heavy-handed.
You could drop some things like thekids and the school talk at the end. Or you could make the family stuff stand out. They are at a kids game- add some action and interaction and description about the game and the bleachers .
It could be much more visual, because of all of the dialoge it sounds more like a fictional blog post.
I did like the pacing in the dialoge when it wasn’t too preachy. I think there are amny authentic aspects to your writing and it carries me along- I just need more of a story and more style. Good Luk
DmightyPen reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice piece worded very well. I found very interesting and entertaining. I especially liked that it wasnt to wordy you know rambling and such. Keep up the good work well done.
occupational_hedonist reviewed Version 1 -
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This was quite funny and made me laugh. An original concept for a short story and it wasn’t fluff-headed as it could have easily been. The topic was well executed.
There is one error I want to point out, probably a typo: “The comment was from Aoi, a ‘hiso’ Thai whose her husband owned a factory” Get rid of the “her” it sounds wrong – “whose husband owned a factory” is better.
stephanloy reviewed Version 1 -
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Though the writing was well done, I think the joke was a little too clever and too long drawn out. It was obvious to me that the characters were not talking about sex from very early on; I thought they were discussing the companies they or their spouses worked for. It might be a more convincing and engaging joke if you varied the number of qualities you were debating, not stick just with size.
martykate reviewed Version 1 -
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“To know find a school who would”
—“This sentence needs to be fixed “to know how to find a school that would…”
The double entrende that you used throughout your story was delightful! You don’t give the sexual allusion away right in the beginning—I like the way that slowly evolved. You transitioned into that at just the right pace, and continued your teasing of the reader until your conclusion. It was very well done.
I can’t say that I “knew” but knowing story arcs I knew the conclusion would have nothing to do with the insuations. They were done in such a clever way, though, that I gladly went along with the joke.
Please please please do not take this story out of its Bangkok setting! I love Thailand, and I even love Bangkok. I think your setting is perfect as it is.
Really enjoyable read.
acwd reviewed Version 1 -
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Your point about smaller schools being better than larger schools is well-taken, and I agree completely.
I was surprised to see it was education facilities you were referring to during the dialog, and it felt to me a little misplaced and almost “dirty” to be referring so suggestively to something that matters so much.
Needs a little polishing here and there – “Thai whose her husband” from paragraph 5; also from the same paragraph, the phrase “punch drunk” I think might be misused, although I may be not quite understanding what you mean. Also saw “what every young women aches for…” where it needs to be “woman” instead. Little things like that will discourage an agent or publisher.
crayonmustache reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi! I enjoyed reading your work. I have some suggestions, please take what you want and leave the rest.
I found the current in the word stream flow to- engage in a good pace allowing for easy reading. It kept my interest and was well written, you show your skill, I look forward to seeing your future endeavors. The topic is one of those age old questions of man, a thought is to meditate on possible plot pondering and come up with something more original. I think an original plot will be more refreshing.
On this piece, I was sure you were going to end it with the wives talking about something else, like a vacuum, and the man just assuming they were talking about his manhood. I like your take on it.
A couple of word roadblocks, this close to last sentence needs to be clarified, “To know find a school who would nurture and care for their kids the way they do.”
In this line I do not know what a Thai or Expat is, but perhaps i am just ignorant? ”... Nan, who was also Thai but married to an Expat..”
Just a side note, you may wish to change the past tense to present, I find it more effective. So this line, “I immersed myself in my hot latte and stared blindly at the …” could be “Immersing myself in my hot latte I stare blindly at the….” see?
Again I don’t know what this means, ”...was from Aoi, a ‘hiso’ Thai…”
I liked the comparison of school size for personal treatment, will have to remember that in future events. :) All in all very good, you did a good job. Thanks for the good read!
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