This piece is biographical.
Poetry / Opposite the way of the sun. (Analysis)
I hope I can break this spell:
the long line of daughters
bearing changelings
who will grow into women,
tormented
by men without fear.
When I was young enough
not to fear the sun,
you gathered my
brown skin to your chest
and read fairy-stories of brave women.
You were the stone-eyed queen
with a cement tongue;
you abandoned entire countries at whim,
you birthed me, trickster child, as duty.
I still see you mouthing incantations.
I didn’t know the words as a child,
just the execution, bowed heads
and the absolute, unyielding decision
to escape this long queue
of which I do not wish to be a part.
I do not wish to be apart.
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Vincent_Gosheaf reviewed Version 1 -
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I did enjoyed the piece as a whole although I did not like the way that it was set out in short lines all of different sizes. At the start the lines were randomly set as though you had hit the space bar to start a new line at odd moments, ending up with some lines that were six or seven words long and even a line consisting of one word. I know that this may seem something somewhat insignificant to criticize although I did find that towards the second half of the poem the lines became more fleshed out if you will, becoming easier and more enjoyable to read.
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TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 1 -
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Great stuff, some powerful imagery and very evocative. I don’t have any thoughts on the content or the words themselves, but I think the layout could be clearer. Maybe adding more words per line to reduce the overall number of lines would help? Other than that, a great read.
Did you base this on another story, or did the child’s history come from your own imagination? Just curious.
Fionn
dbear22 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this but I am not sure of the use of the word “changelings” I dont think it fits with the overall vibe of the piece
hitfor37 reviewed Version 1 -
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Good building rhythm to your work.
Rather than referring to “the execution” of the reader (near the end), perhaps you could describe the actual sound or rhythm of her reading. Ex: I didn’t know the words as a child, just the _____. (How did it sound to you?)
I also think your poem is stronger without the repetition of the last line.
black_neon reviewed Version 1 -
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What you need to do is take the whole poem, keep it mostly the same, but try and change the words so it does not seem like normal speech anymore.
“You were the stone-eyed queen
with a cement tongue; “
Can be expressed the same way with different words like so;
Oh you, the stone eyed queen,
you had that tongue of cement
Or really a whole million other ways.
Try to think of the way Yoda speaks backwards or how other launguages place their verbs nous and construct their sentences. Do not limit yourself to just English thought.
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I do not wish to be apart. Is this meant to be together. A PART OR APART.
I like this very much.
Who is without fear the women or men?
I am a little confused concerning who is without fear, men or women? I don’t know what the last line means. If it is apart then i don’t understand. But if it’s a repition of a part then it makes it more potent.I love repetition in a poem. I do it all the time. I think it adds depth to a work. I like the structure and the premise of this one. Sandi
drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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Dear Stranger,
This poem was unique enough to catch my attention. It caught a glimmer amongst much of the angst pieces, and I wanted to touch on a few things I thought worked well.
The first thing I took note of was the mystic feel to the poem. Even though this mysticism is present, in the guise of changelings and incantations, it is still something that could be seen as realistic. A sort of magical realism, if I had to guess.
A lot of the adjectives you have chosen work well to describe the nouns. Cement tongue is probally my favorite. I can imagine what words might weigh from that mouth.
My favorite part: when I was young enough / not to fear the sun
Overall, a successful poem. There is little room for any improvements that would not change the poems intention. This piece about the speakers mother is excellent.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
P.s. I also admire the play on words in the last two lines. Part and apart.
lostthunder reviewed Version 1 -
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oK, trying not to analyze. cuz honestly, i don’t understand it all. moving on.
You were the stone-eyed queen
with a cement tongue;
this is a nicely worded vision of one’s mother. solid, unflinching, truthful.
the piece had its own style, which is good, but not much rhythm to it. it was choppy in parts, the word “flow” is overused, but i guess for good reason. and the only thing i dont see is the connection between the first six lines and the rest. perhaps its just my ignorance.
(no comment please) haha, LATER
gting reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job. Your lines flow well. Strong sense of rhythm and the simple form and punctuation enhance the content.
i love your last 2 lines. In fact I really enjoyed this piece as a whole :)
heidipatton reviewed Version 1 -
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“I hope I can break this spell:” Well, I couldn’t find how the body of this poem and the end related back to the first line…which I was looking for as I read it. Your descriptions are brilliant however, “stone-eyed queen with a cement tongue”, yet how do you see her mouthing incantations? I would have liked to have been able to envision these women, perhaps walking in the circle of life, with you stepping outside of that circle to lead them in a new direction in order to break the spell or some other resolution or idea that ties the end to the first statement instead of contridicts it with, “I do not wish to be apart”.
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